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I can't get over it and time isn't helping (possible tw)

I am trying so hard to make uni work this time. the people here seem nice and i dont mind where i am living but being away from home keeps reminding me of home and half the reason i left to begin with. i had to get away from them i couldnt risk it happening again. but even though i am away from there i have been crying almost every spare minute about what happened. i cant even say what happened out loud it play over and over in my mind 24/7 but i cant even say it out loud. i am still just as scared but also just as hurt as when it happened it has been 8-9 months i dont know how long it is supposed to take before it stops ruining everything and it hurts even more because i feel like i am letting them win by getting upset like i am letting them continue to hurt me without having to even physically be there. i dont understand why it hurts so much. was it all my fault, did i not try hard enough to stop it to avoid it. what are you even supposed to do when you have no fight left in you. i feel ashamed that it happened and guilty and i feel angry and it just hurts so much and nothing i do makes it hurt any less. i thought i would feel safer here but i dont i will never feel safe again not in the way i used to the way a child does in their parents arms unaware and able to sleep in peace. i am not the same person i feel like i died those days each time it happened i died again. i am not sure how i am supposed to move on from this or if that is even possible i just dont know how to stop it from hurting so much. 

Re: I can't get over it and time isn't helping (possible tw)

Hi @Eden1717, just wanted to let you know that we are all here for you. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so scared and upset. What can we do to help?

Re: I can't get over it and time isn't helping (possible tw)

@Eden1717 sending massive hugs your way Heart uni is hard and it's so great that you're giving it your best shot despite everything right now.

It's okay if you can't talk about things out loud just yet. Do you have anything planned over the weekend that might help with these feelings? Heart
No human being, however great or powerful, was ever so free as a fish

Re: I can't get over it and time isn't helping (possible tw)

@Eden1717  this sounds like such a painful time for you Heart Hugs if you want them. 

I want you to know that it wasn’t your fault. It was not your fault. 


Is there anything that helps when you feel like this? Sometimes journaling or cuddling a stuffed animal helps me. Heart

Re: I can't get over it and time isn't helping (possible tw)

Thanks @WheresMySquishy @lokifish @DruidChild  i dont have any stuffed toys with me sadly they are good to hug though. i have tried journaling about it but i cant even write what i am feeling and about it like some things but i cant actually write about what happened. like i did when it first happened i wrote down a bit of what happened but now i cant even touch it like i cant i want to in the sense that i feel like i need to get it out of me but i just cant. and like i still have injuries from it and every time they hurt it reminds me of what happened but i feel like i cant see anyone about them or they will ask what happened and i just cant go there. and i feel like disgusted in myself as well even though what happened wasnt like sexual in nature but it still had some things that made me feel violated. and i already hated my body before now i cant even stand to look at myself i dont even feel like i am in my body anymore i am trying to move on but all these small random things keep taking me right back there as if it is happening all over again. even things like words someone i am walking by says and bam i am back there smells, colours, sounds, tastes, words or things i see. no where is safe anymore. i get scared easily now and jump at everything. i feel like a toy that someone broke and stepped on then threw in the bin. 


Re: I can't get over it and time isn't helping (possible tw)

@Eden1717  I’m so sorry that anything like what has happened to you actually happened. Sending hugs your way. I want you to know that like @DruidChild said, it’s not your fault and that there is no normal amount of time to get over anything, you have every right to feel however you do at any time. It’s so good to hear that you’re trying with uni, even though its hard. Maybe it will provide a good distraction? Are there any activities or groups that you could join at uni that might create more of that sense of inclusion and safety that you get from home?? It might help build a bit of a support network.


Also, while I know you’ve said how hard it is to talk or even write about; do think it would be possible to maybe message someone, even a photo of the initial journaling you tried to do. Kids helpline has an online feature where you can speak straight to a councillor without having to actually phone someone and verbalise what has happened. If you one day feel comfortable enough to talk about what happened a phoneline life kids helpline might be a really good place to visit for professional support.


Are there some activities you do to practice self care? These may provide a means to de-stress and take some time out form thinking of what happened. For me, I find exercise or listening to music helps me to shut off. This page also has some fantastic suggestions for self care. Processing takes however long it takes, these events can be incredibly difficult and you’re incredibly strong for telling us about them here.

Re: I can't get over it and time isn't helping (possible tw)

Hi @Eden1717, I am so sorry that something so traumatic has happened to you. The things you are feeling and experiencing are normal reactions to trauma, and I can hear how overwhelming and distressing everything is right now. Heart What could you do to soothe yourself tonight? Music, going for a walk, taking a warm bath, reading a comforting book are all things that sometimes work for me. 


I also want you to know that, although I don’t know the details of what has happened to you, if you’ve been harmed or assaulted you can report that to the police if you want to. It’s not your fault and it’s okay to want the people who hurt you to be charged (even if they’re your family). Heart

Re: I can't get over it and time isn't helping (possible tw)

@_Artemis_  i am not talking to kids helpline ever again they are terrible and they suck. i know you didnt know i hate them so i am not mad at you or anything but please never suggest ANY kind of help or crisis line to me ever again. 

@DruidChild  i reported it to the institution who did this and they basically said to f-off and the police dont give a crap there in no existing legal avenue for me to pursue with this issue because basically no one wants to hear about it or know that it is happening because essentially if they admitted what they did the government would probably be vulnerable to a class action lawsuit and it is violating a number of human rights but it also doesnt care about that and never will. so basically i just have to suffer in silence and cry myself to sleep every night for the rest of my life. 



Re: I can't get over it and time isn't helping (possible tw)

I’m so sorry @Eden1717, that is so awful and I can hear how painful this is for you. I can’t express how sorry I am that your rights have been violated in this way Heart If it helps, we care about what has happened to you and we are always here to listen and to support you. 


What’s on for today? I was wondering if there’s anywhere nice on your campus to go for a walk? When I feel upset I sometimes walk around my uni campus and focus on taking photographs of pretty trees or flowers and stuff. It helps to be in nature as well as to have something to concentrate on. 


Do you mind mind if I ask what professionals you’re seeing right now? Sometimes university counsellors will do an unscheduled appointment if you’re going through a crisis, so they might be able to talk if your usual supports aren’t around during the week. 


Thinking of you Heart

Re: I can't get over it and time isn't helping (possible tw)

@DruidChild  i only have access to a GP at the moment i cant see a psychologist until April. i dont know that the university counselors would be best for my situation they are counselors and i have been told by many people that my case is "too complex" for a counselor to deal with and literally anytime i have tried to talk to one they have said they cant see me and they need me to find a psychologist or someone else because they arent the right kind of support. so i dont feel they are an option. i dont really have any support at the moment.