I desire to be self-sufficient so I never feel lonely again

[Beautifullybroken]

@Taylor-RO and @MisoBear sorry for late response. It's all good @MisoBear, hope you feel better soon <3. Didn't feel up to replying until now. Even now, I felt reluctant on coming here. Chronic pain is so exhausting I don't know where my day goes. I'm so used to be alone it feels somewhat easy and uneasy at the same time. Loneliness feels really normal for me. It's the road I've known for so long it hard to walk away. That I've had moments in my life I was lonely but didn't realise I was.

I can talk to my KHL counsellor about balancing being too self-reliant and too independent as well as the disconnection I feel so often. My psychiatrist appointment is next month. I can call KHL in the meantime.

[Maddy-RO]

Hey @Beautifullybroken 

You said you were reluctant to come on the forums today due to feeling unwell. Sorry for jumping in this thread -  I just wanted to say we're glad that you did manage to come on. You have provided some awesome support for users today, so thank you. 

[MisoBear]

@Beautifullybroken I definitely resonate with feelings of loneliness. Because I'm undertaking Honours at uni, I'm constantly locked away studying. I'm naturally extroverted...like if I could spend time with other people all the time I would (I actually really don't enjoy being alone for extended periods). Right now my partner is away and I really miss him. I know you said loneliness is quite natural to you now but is there anything you have done in the past that helps you to feel less lonely? Also coming on the forums is a great step

[Beautifullybroken]

@Maddy-RO it does help to come on. I often feel so exhausted to really talk about what is going on. But I know how important it is to talk. Suppressing emotions has become a habit of mine.

@MisoBear uni can be tough, it's hard to not fall under the pressure. I hope it works out well for you. Uni can be challenging when you're not feeling the best. I had to undertake part time for that reason. I don't think I'm in the right state to complete my coursework and thesis. I'll leave the joy of writing up my thesis for next yr. I need to work on my physical and mental health.

I think it does help to try to connect to people. Come on forums, socialise with friends and family.

[MisoBear]

@Beautifullybroken sounds like you're really in touch with your needs and what your boundaries are at the moment. I think a thesis is such a big undertaking that it's a good idea to undertake it when you feel you're able to fully commit to it, and that in doing so you're not going to compromise other areas of your life too much. 

That's so great that you're trying to connect with people too. I'm glad it helps you feel a bit better.

[Beautifullybroken]

@MisoBear sorry for the late reply. I probably could have come on earlier than today, I was pretty much free (uni just started this week), but I don't know where the days we're going. I'll just sit there ruminating. Loneliness, shame and anxiety can be overwhelming. I'm just talented at shutting myself out from the world and bottling emotions up. But I guess that's expected if you've grew up with very few friends and were bullied in school. At the end of the day I've accepted the fact I'm alone, we are born alone and die alone. We are all just broken people, some of us being better at hiding it than others. I don't know how you can remain whole and innocent in a world like this one. I feel there is no single person I can really talk to and release it all. I don't want to have to rely on anyone either. Maybe some battles are meant to be lonely ones.

[Bre-RO]

Hey there @Beautifullybroken 

Just wanted to let you know that is good to see you back on forum despite not feeling the best. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you juggling loneliness, shame and anxiety. In saying that I can see that you are being resilient in connecting with this community. Even though you feel that maybe some battles are meant to be lonely ones I'd just like to reiterate that this is a safe space you can always visit to share the weight when it gets too much. 

Also by sharing your emotions (which isn't an easy task) you make others feel a little less alone - so thank you for your honesty  

You mentioned earlier that reaching out to other people can be hard and you'd prefer to be self sufficient. Do you have any activities/hobbies you can do independently to help with offloading emotions? 

[MisoBear]

Sounds like you've been going through a really difficult time. I'm hearing
that it sounds like things are not very hopeful for you at the moment, that
you're feeling alone and that you're feeling very cut off from others. I'm
also acknowledging that you coming onto the forums, especially after a
period of time away from them, can't have been easy for you. I am hearing
that it's difficult for you to express how you're feeling to others, and
that sometimes it can feel easier to keep things bottled up.

I agree with you that it is true that we are alone, but I also want to let
you know that humans are social creatures. We do need meaningful social
connection, even if it's just with one person we trust. I acknowledge that
you feel like everyone is broken, and to an extent that is probably true.
Everyone does have their cross to bear in life, things will never be
perfect in life, but there's a crack in everything, and that's how the
light gets in. It's only by sharing our brokenness, like you are bravely
doing with me, that we can support and lift each other up. I want you to
know that it's okay to be vulnerable with other people. It's hard to trust
when we've been let down, which I acknowledge you have in the past. But do
you think you might be able to do one thing today to share how you're
feeling with someone else?

[Beautifullybroken]

@Bre-RO I just do regular self-care stuff like listening to music, taking a warm shower, praying etc. I've been trying to write but my mind is completely blocked. I guess I'm out of habit of writing. Maybe I need to stick with it a bit longer.

@MisoBear I'm doing okay at the moment. When I do feel overwhelmed, I could start off by saying I'm stressed and overwhelmed. It's a pretty normal thing for uni students.

[MisoBear]

@Beautifullybroken, that's good to hear. You've been getting through the days even though you've got a lot on your plate. I think acknowledging what you're feeling is a great first step.

You're right, it is very normal for uni students to be stressed. I was telling my boyfriend the other day that I felt really stupid for being so stressed out about uni and he was like "um...uni is freaking stressful! my life is so much better now I've graduated!". It's was this amazing acknowledgement that I'm not just "being weak" or "complaining even though I shouldn't complain", that actually yes, uni is very stressful but I will get through it, and so will you!

In my experience, if you're feeling stressed about uni it's probably because you deeply care about succeeding. While we can defs find good strategies to manage stress so it doesn't take over, a little bit of stress I think is inevitable (at least in a high-pressure academic environment like uni), and so I acknowledge it and thank it for motivating me to do better, while simultaneously recognizing that it will pass eventually. But making time for self-care is also a great tool for stress management and it sounds like you have a few good activities in place that can help you.