I don't even know what this is
The reason WHY I'm on RO in the first place... Before I go on - I need to point out that I am not only telling my own story - I'm telling my best friend's story - hence why there are SOME details missing - nothing that is make or break; some of it just isn't my story to tell.
So - my username Cait'sGirl is about a girl called Caitlyn. Who happens to be in a guys body...You see - the body she belonged to (we're going to refer to him as her brother) went through some pretty bad thingsI can't say relationship and as a result developed something called Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) otherwise known as Multiple Personality Disorder...Yeah - I fell in love with an alter. Smart move hey? So - starting from the start; I met her 'brother' about 4 years ago and found out about them both. We honestly both believed at the time that he was transgendered not DID and I wasn't aware that they actually were as close as siblings could be. I ended up falling for her brother who didn't return my feelings and ended up accidentally starting a love triange between us and another girl in our friendship circle. Unknown to me it was actually a square because Caitlyn was in love with me. So anyway - 2 years after this started I finally met Caitlyn and begun a 2.5 year relationship with her...Well- it was never a offical relationship - but I never was with anyone else during this time. Due to the issues that aren't MINE to tell I can't go into detail on Caitlyn's...er, personal life, but what I can tell you was that regardless of what she did - she still loved me. She was just too scared to 'commit' because she felt as a alter she had no right to love.
Caitlyn and I were extremely close and intimate. I hate to say this -but I let my friendship with her brother slide when we were in person. The only thing Caitlyn and I never did was intercourse - and that was out of respect to her brother (and me not being ready) until Caitlyn left in April. Now when I say left - she puts it as 'she went to sleep' because the last 4 times she has 'gone' she's likened it to being asleep for a really long time - but this time it's pretty much that she died. Her brother hasn't spoken to me since several things happened to him in late december (again - I can't explain - but it wasn't anything I did per say. It was things that happened to him, the Caitlyn/me thing, the old love triangle...) besides a late night drunken phone call about 3 weeks ago where he told me he missed me, that he was rooting for me to win in life, but that he couldn't come back because it was better for both of us this way.
I've been to counselling. The counsellor I saw was a free service and she seemed more interested in meeting Caitlyn/her brother as a science project not actually helping me deal with her death. She basically told me that because Caitlyn wasn't "real" I should just move on and pretty much go and start dating other people to move on/rebound from her. She also said that because I've been pretty damn strong in "allowing" Cait's brother to have his space and not call him every day begging for him back (Yeah - I'm not proud - but he's been my best friend, my rock, and this whole me and Cait being intimate thing made it so that he knows exactly who I am, in every damn situation in life because apparently now that Cait's gone - he remembers everything that she did/we did) that that means that I'm done fighting for him and obviously I never loved either of them because I stopped fighting. I haven't stopped fighting - I've just stopped bugging the crap out of him. I want him to fly. I want him to be able to enjoy his life without my dependancy - and to be happy. I want to be able to move on from Caitlyn. But I don't know how to.
I consider myself bisexual but (I think) because of my having Aspergers and being 'weird' nobody seems to notice that I am an adult and I am looking for a relationship. I honestly think people are worried because of my vunerabilities and niavity (and my disabilites) that if they think of having sex with me that they WILL be charged with statutory rape. My parents have drilled it into my head since I was extremely young that I am incapable of anything besides living with them for the rest of my life. They have done everything they could to make me helpless; by emotionally blackmailing, abusing, me. Physically stepping in so that I cannot do things independantly and controlling most aspects of my life. My mother actually controls what clothes I wear, when I wake up, what I eat, and what I do with the things in my room to the point where I actually fear what would happen if I said no to her. She is extremely narcassitic. Caitlyn wanted me to move out - but the point that she doesn't get is that I've been conditioned my entire life to believe I am useless. They have also drilled it into my head that I am a child even though I am a legal adult. They do not allow me to date, wear makeup, hang out with friends without knowing exactly where I am, etc -but yet yell at me when I DON'T do these things. They have convinced me that they are planning on filing for legal guardianship of me and charging any person I have a relationship with of statutory rape with a disabled person but yet tell me to get the f*** out of their house every second day - here's the thing though - I have MILD aspergers.I do have anxiety disorders - but that doesn't stop me from moving out. Just from being social. I know I am physically and emotionally capable of moving out - but the blackmail and the crap and the fear of being dragged against my will back to their house stops me.
I am currently seeking help from the disability office to move me into a transition home - but I'm not sure how to cope in the mean time. This post was originally supposed to be about Cait - but now I've ended up blurting out my entire life story. Sorry guys. Just on the Caitlyn note; I still email her every single day. I think of dying to get away from my family. To gain control. I've tried self harm, I've tried not eating, but I have NOTHING I control. Besides my computer. I am extremely protective of what I do on my computer because it's the only thing my family has no control over...I just wish I knew what to do or how to be strong enough to prove to my family that I AM an adult. It's gotten to the point where I am a 21yo when I am alone or out in public -but as soon as I get home I'm reverted to a 10yo little girl terrified of being slapped in the face and told that I'm a useless whore again. Again - I have told all this crap to my counsellor and all she said was 'well we can't choose our families'. I have to admit -the free services in Australia suck >.>
Comments
I guess I'm "bumping" the post for more replies on what I should do...
Hey CaitsGirl
You are going through so much and it is a very complicated and intense story there. Thank you for having the courage to share with us. NigioC and mischiefmanaged have given you some great advice, so I feel like anything I would say would be repeating what they have said. It is terrible that you are going through this but you sound so strong and for you to be here talking to us shows how courageous you are.
I just wanted to let you know that we support you and we are here for you and I hope being on RO is helpful in all that you are going through. I have to say that self care is super important right now and maybe you could dedicate some time to do something to make your self happy even just for a minute. Check out this thread for some ideas
I hope everything works itself out for you.
Take care 🙂
Hey @CaitsGirl ,
This sounds like such a complicated issues for someone of 21 to be dealing with. It must be really hard and you must be dealing with a lot of emotions right now.
I really just wanted to make sure to link you into some stuff on self care. Make sure you're looking after yourself during this time.
All the best,
Atma
Honestly all I want is an answer. I want something that will fix everything and I don't kno whow to have that.
Sometimes I wish I had a magic wand or three wishes that could fix all of my problems and then I get sad thinking about how long the journey will be to overcome them so I need to start finding the positives of my journey. Perhaps you could check out the Turning Negatives into Positives thread and give that a go?
I admire your courage to already be seeing a counsellor and checking out your housing options. It also sounds a bit like you're feeling like your counsellor isn't listening to you, or perhaps isn't hearing what you're saying. Have you looked into options for finding a new counsellor? The Aust. government has a scheme called Better Access which links people into 10 free counselling sessions. You can find more info about it here.
Don't feel like you need to keep seeing the counsellor you're with, if you don't feel comfortable talking to them or they aren't helping you then don't be afraid to look into other options.
Unfortunetely I am not eligable for the government's scheme because the counsellor I *WAS* seeing fell under that and I used my 10 sessions with her. Oddly enough I feel guilty if I go back to my GP and ask him for a referal to someone new. I feel like I'd be betraying them I guess. Nobody seems to get that I knew the difference between Cait and her brother. That it was Cait I loved like nobody else in this world - not him. I mean - don't get me wrong I love him to death - but Caitlyn was something else.
Today I went to look at my first ever house inspection - the place was shocking and misleading to the website information and smelt of pot - after my mother spent the whole day telling me 'I'll find the perfect place' she told me that because I wasn't "mentally 21" I should give up and go with her. I feel so tired of fighting to be 'normal'. I feel like I should just give up. Cait's brother also texted me today to tell me that he wants to start over next year with me. I feel like I can't move away because I still need him. Even though whenever I'm upset or whever I fall (metaphorically) it's Cait I call out for - I still need to be around him - it's like I still need to believe that we have a chance because of me and Cait being together.
I understand how you feel when you say that you're worried about betraying your original counsellor. I used to feel that way too, but recently I've come to understand that it is my life and I should be able to choose who I see and determine whether or not someone is helping me.
If you're over 18 your GP will need to keep your information confidential unless you're at risk of harming yourself or someone else, so they shouldn't be able to tell your current counsellor that you'd like to see someone else, if that is the decision you make.
I hope that you can find someone who can help you get through the tough times you're having.
I know - I'm just so used to either being judged or being treated like a 10yo. So it's something to get used to I guess.
Thanks so much for sharing your (and Cait's story). And welcome to ReachOut.com.
It sounds like a very complicated story, but I hope writing it all down has helped in some way?
I honestly think you must be an extremely strong person to have gone through everything you have. As is your friend Cait for everything he has gone through.
I am sorry to hear things did not work out for you in regards to your relationship with Cait and I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you. I really admire how you want what is best for Cait and this is why you have stopped "bugging" him. I know you are missing Cait a lot, and that's understandable. Hold on to those great memories you have.
I am so glad to hear that you have been seeing a counsellor but I am really upset to hear that it has not been beneficial for you. 😞 Unfortunately counsellors are a bit like hairdressers, we don't always find the one that suits us from the start. Maybe you could try a different counsellor? There are also a few free online services that might be beneficial for you:
Kids Help Line (1800 551 800 - http://www.kidshelpline.com.au ) - the phone line is free 24/7 and the web counselling is available at set times (check the website for more details). eHeadspace (https://www.eheadspace.org.au/ - available at set times too).
I would STRONGLY recommend that you contact either of those services when you feel as though you are going to self harm. Also have a read of this factsheet on self-harm, it offers some alternatives for when you feel like self-harming (http://au.reachout.com/What-is-self-harm).
I am glad to hear that your disability advisor is helping you move out. It sounds as though being at home can be quite destructive for you. Do you have any other family who might be able to help? Aunts? Uncles? Cousins? Siblings? I don't believe you are useless!!! You sound like a very strong person.
I would really recommend that you keep trying to reach out for help from counsellors or those services I listed above. There is people you can talk to who can give you helpful advice and give you the support you need - unfortunately it can just take a while to find the right people for us. Do you have any friends who can help as well? Maybe some friends who you can just hang out with when you are feeling upset about Cait and/or your parents?
Keep staying strong and remember to try and smile every day.
MM
I don't know if people go through and read every comment so forgive me if I repeat details.
It did help...I got in trouble off Cait's brother once because I had talked about Cait with my mother (he wasn't aware that I was actually FORCED to at the time) and oddly enough - even under the circumstances even talking about her helped. Sometimes if I'm talking to someone I'll say "haha that reminds me of my friend Caitlyn". I pretend she's still around I guess. It's easier that way.
For the record - Cait's brother DOES have a different name - I'm just not using it beause A) not my place to and B) He went through a lot and it's not my place to put anything to do with him on a site where the whole world can see it - hence why I just refered to him as her brother.
I answered in my last comment about counselling - I don't have enough privacy at home in order to make those phone calls and my mother has a hard enough time believing I need counselling (in her eyes everything I do is attention seeking) and she has no idea about the extent of mine and Caitlyn's relationship - I'd rather her NOT know that if I can ever help it. My mother is the type of person where if they aren't allowed to get what they want/need nobody is. If she has a bad nights sleep you can bet a million bucks she'll wake me up at like 7am to help get the kids ready for school just because she believes if SHE can't get a good nights sleep neither can I. She finds it completely acceptable to send my siblings in to wake me up where they jump on me and treat me like crap in order to wake me up. It's gotten to the point where I stay up until at least 1am to do anything I want done in private because everyone just opens my door if they think it should be open. Like - if they think I'm doing something "wrong" they'll slam the door so that it bounces off the hinges. Terrifying and annoying as all hell.
All our family are far away and have been convinced by my mother that *I'M* the problem not her -that my behavioural difficulities caused her depression and anger and that everything I get is my own fault. Yeah - cause being called a fat slut at the age of 10 is so the right way to discipline your child >.> Even now if she doens't like what I'm doing the first thing will be swearing (the word "fucking" terrifies the living daylights out of me from her) and names like 'slut, whore, fat ass, useless, hopeless' etc. I've been told to committ suicide. I've been told I'm going to live off centrelink for the rest of my life. Hell - this morning my mother told me I was going to be a fat lump of shit like her and every time she saw me my stomach gets bigger and bigger. What did I do to that response? Went and ate breakfast >.> My stomach is a stupid stomach that if I don't eat at regular times or enough then I get extremely nauesated very quickly for long periods of time.
As for friends No. Nobody knew Cait besides me and her brother. The other girl in the triangle knew OF her but due to the complicatedness of the love triangle, her selfishness, her personality which is naturally selfish/self centred, I just can't talk to her anymore. It's sad though because she used to be like a sister to me and when she found out about me and Cait - I think she thought I was only doing it to get back at her for her not dating Cait's brother and stopped speaking to me. Another friend I had (before Cait came along) I had incredibly strong emotional feelings for (similar to love but not quite so srong) and she was incredibly cool with it - until Cait came back on the scene after one of her "breaks" and then this girl just randomly left me with no answers, no nothing and hates me for some unknown reason. it's been two years and she still won't give me answers. I have people I occasionally talk to on the internet - but my "friends" mainly are the 5/6yo's I'm working with at a local school...Since Cait's brother left there's been nobody. I get why he left - and I completely support him - I guess selfishly I wish he had've let Caitlyn stay so that I wasn't completely alone even though I know that is a 100% not fair on him. I know he left for both me and him - I know he left so that I could learn to fly on my own. I just didn't expect it to be so damn hard/obstacle like.
Hey Caitsgirl,
Welcome to Reach Out! I'm so glad that you found your way here. It sounds like you've been through heaps and I'm so sorry to hear how difficult things have been and still are. So I think it's so awesome that you've found the courage and strength to come onto Reach Out to see if you can find some answers.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely friend, Caitlyn. It sounds like you two had an amzing connection, deep and intimate, and I imagine you must miss her very much. Grief can be so overwhelming, the last thing you need is someone not understanding what you've been through. This is some info of dealing with death that might help. It doesn't matter that the specifics of your situation may be different to someone elses. You have lost your friend, you will feel that grief regardless of someone telling you it's 'not real'.
I'm so sorry to hear how crap your experiences with a counsellor have been. Is trying again something you would consider? You sound like you have so much going on in your life, and that you have been through so much, you deserve support. You deserve someone to help you get through this and to advocate on your behalf. You deserve a good counsellor. This is some info on the different types of health professionals out there, maybe the fit was not right for you but a different approach might work.
It's great that you have your computer in your control. That gives you access to a whole bunch of info and services that might help you improve things at home. This is an advocacy group for people with autism. You could email them to get some facts regarding your rights. It might help you understand your rights and provide you support when you decide what you would like to do next.
KHL and Lifeline both provide webchat and phone chat options. Maybe you could see how you go with one of those services to see if you get a better result with a counsellor.
What do you think?
replying bit by bit cause that's easier.
Sometimes with Caitlyn - I didn't even have to talk for her to know what I wanted - it was the same with her brother - but so different at the same time. I can see so many differences between them it's not funny.
I've looked at the info on death - but it's really not the same because it's not a physical BODY I lost. there's nothing to say goodbye to, you know? Like - how can I say goodbye to her when I never got to actually be hers? Sometimes I pretend she's still here. I pretend to talk to her. I can see her during the "conversations" but as soon as the conversation is over - she disappears again.
I'm not too sure whether I would try again. My mother forced the details of Caitlyn's existance out of me even after I told her it wasn't my place to tell (I really hope people can understand HOW It is forcing) but I refuse to tell her the details of our relationship after she said "Caitlyn wasn't real - stop talking about her like she's real". My mother likes to build me up to tear me down I guess. So with regards to counselling -if I was to try again -she would be extremely demanding as to know why I was doing so.
On regards to the Autism groups - I've contacted a few different groups/disability protection services/etc and because I don't have severe autism and because I'm not being physically or sexually abused - nobody is willing to do anything to help me because from a legal perspective there is nothing stopping me from leaving. Legally my parents DO have to give me 30 days notice to leave because I do pay rent - but because I pay in cash my mother says that she has no "proof" I'm giving her the money. I've tried KHL before - but I rarely have the privacy to have a phone call like that. I have rules on who I can call, what times I can call people and what areas of the house I can call people in. It's very...controlled I guess.
