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I don't feel normal anymore

This is quite long, so bare with me.

 

I have a deep feeling in my gut that I have a paranoid schizophrenic disorder. As a kid growing up, whenever I used to go to bed I'd hear voices that were plotting against me saying "she's right in there." "we should go get her now." and whenever I'd call out to my parents they'd just say it was only the wind and I was just imagining it. Years after, the voices stopped, so I ignored it, thinking it was just something all kids phase through. 

 

Firstly, I already know I suffer from an anxiety disorder. But I've done my research and these following symptoms are way different to the ones when I'm having anxiety.

 

These are the symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia I'm positive I have:

 

1. Auditory hallucinations (laughing, whistling, someone saying my name when no one's around.)

2. Delusions (thinking people are 'out to get me' or stalking me and is planning to use information whether false or true against me to either hurt, harass, humiliate or even kill me)

3. Severe anxiety (I'm starting to think my anxiety isn't the only thing driving me insane.)

 

I have no idea how I would have this disorder regarding genetics etc... 

 

I noticed these symptoms way before I found out about schizophrenia, I'm always shaky and nervous, checking behind my back or keeping an eye on suspicious looking people whenever I'm in public. The only visual hallucination I remember having before I knew about schizophrenia was when I went out to the lounge, which is connected to the kitchen to get a drink. I noticed my brother going the same way, so I followed and when I reached the lounge he wasn't there. I then heard him talking to my mum in the front room and checked to see that he was there and not the lounge room and I began to freak out, I told them what happened but they seemed to just shrug it off.

 

My auditory hallucinations have only become recent, first time I had them was when I thought 'what if I have schizophrenia' then I started to think things like "everyone hates you" "why would you do this?" "do that" and then it wouldn't stop, as if another voice had popped into my head and was controlling all of my thoughts and I began to break down crying because I was trying my best to make them stop. Then just last night, I heard laughing in the distance, today voices in my head kept telling me, whenever I looked at someone who I had a suspicion about my thoughts would go off like a metal detector like "he's here to hurt you, he's right behind you, you better walk faster or he'll kill you." I was with my mum and brother at the time and didn't have the gut to say anything.

 

Then in the coffee shop I noticed a guy standing in the corner of my eye and my suspicions piped up again, when my mum finished ordering I turned to see no one was there, I'm not sure if he moved away whilst I wasn't looking (which was only for a few seconds and the exit was within my line of vision) or perhaps I was seeing things. Next thing, I'm sitting in my room and I heard someone whistle a couple of times, but I had earphones on and it sounded quite close to me. 

 

I just haven't been feeling like myself and I wish to seek help, but I'm too scared to talk to my mum about it just in case she shrugs it all off. I go to school next week and I have no idea how that's going to go if I'm not diagnosed soon. I am just so scared right now. 

 

But the thing is with this, I'm not sure if I'm imagining the schizophrenia, or if it's actually happening.

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Re: I don't feel normal anymore

Hi @superlock164 , I'm sorry to hear that this has been a struggle for you for so long. It must be very difficult to deal with and I really admire your strength for reaching out to us on this forum.

There are a number of avenues you can explore in relation to getting help for your symptoms and eventually a diagnosis. First of all there are support services such as Kids Helpline and places you can recieve more information like SANE Australia which might be a good place for you to start.

The best method of seeking help would probably be to go and have a chat with your GP. They would have the resources to refer you on to mental health professionals that would be able to give you the help you need like a psychiatrist or counsellor. 

 

Having support from the people around you will also make dealing with this a lot less daunting while you seek out the help you need. Is there anyone you would trust to talk about this with, such as a member of your famiy or a friend?

 

I hope you get the help you need and good luck in starting on the road to managing your symptoms Smiley Happy

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Re: I don't feel normal anymore

Thanks for posting @superlock164. That sounds like a lot to deal with on your own, you are so brave!

 

As @Chessca_H said, if these things are bothering you its best to go chat with a doctor. You can always call KHL to get things off your chest when its getting a bit much or if you need some pointers on how to approach talking to your parents or even the doctor themselves. Is this something you could talk to your parents about and they could help you make an appointment?

 

While its good to be aware and educated, be careful not to google symptoms too much - sometimes even the most innocent of symptoms are scary on google and can lead to unneccesary worrying. Doctors are much better sources as they can assess your situation individually and talk directly to you, about you Smiley Happy

 

Let us know how you go !

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Re: I don't feel normal anymore

I can talk to my parents about it, but I'm just having troubles on how to bring it up. I'm just scared to, I'm not a big fan about talking about what's troubling me.

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Re: I don't feel normal anymore

hey @superlock164 

 

It definitely sounds like you're ready to get some support with this. It sounds like these feelings and the confusion have been affecting you for some time and you need to get some professional answers. Reach Out is a great place to get emotional support and to experience the relief that comes from knowing you're not alone, but none of us here are doctors.

As suggested, a GP is a great place to start, your local Headspace can provide you access to GPs and mental health professionals. 

Maybe you could talk to your parents about taking you to an appointment, if you don't feel ready to talk to them about everything yet.

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Re: I don't feel normal anymore

 

 

I can understand that, it would be hard

Maybe you could try to ease yourself into it?

If you are worried about going into great detail straight away, you could always tell your parents what you told us; that you arent feeling yourself lately, and that you would like to talk to someone about it to get back to feeling good.

 

There is a good fact sheet here about the benefits of talking

Maybe you will be pleasantly suprised at how easy it is talking to your parents and how well they react?

If you find it difficult still, you could talk to the doctor and get their perspective and explain that to your parents - im sure you could even ask them how to talk to your parents about this kind of thing?

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Re: I don't feel normal anymore

I could give it a try, don't know when I'll gain the gut to do it but I'm just fearing that if I am diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia or something similar I'm going to go into complete denial, despite the fact that I'm convinced I have it. I don't know how it's going to affect my school life, my job and my relationships with friends and family.

 

I just feel trapped in my own head, I'm feeling worse as time ticks by, I keep having mental breakdowns, crying and pulling at my hair, I feel like a complete mess, I even nearly lost my composure in front of my brother and mum whilst shopping today, I kept thinking a man was stalking me in the shop and I was getting so paranoid and felt like curling into a ball and sobbing.

I think my brother said "why are you walking so quickly today?" I do feel like I've been acting skittish. And I think my mum has noticed me acting a little different too, but it could be me becoming more and more paranoid. 

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Re: I don't feel normal anymore

I just had the worst panic attack I have ever had. I was just in the shower and I let a few emotions out, then I started breathing heavily, sobbing and I felt like I was going to faint. I'm so scared of what's wrong with me. 

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Re: I don't feel normal anymore

hey @superlock164 

 

I can totally understand that it would be very scary to go to a doctor, and maybe even be diagnosed with something, but it sounds to me like things are not great for you at the moment anyway. You're in a kind of limbo where you know something is not right but you're worried about finding out what it might be. It's just that the beauty of seeing a doctor is that they can give you some answers and then help you work towards a solution. It may or may not be the diagnosis you're thinking but either way you'll be getting the support and help you deserve.

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Re: I don't feel normal anymore

Dear @superlock 164
I totally agree with Nigio C latest advice...Thru getting professional help to help you help yourself you will be befter able to manage your daily life and you will enjoy life.. I have schiziophrenia and have a good life now.. It will not be as bad as it now feels like it will be