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I don't know how to get out of this

I'm new here and I need some help and kind words. Next week I'll search for a therapist and I'll begin treatment, because this has gone too far. I've been feeling depressed far too long. I'm in a relationship for 8 years and I've know thia guy since I was 16 (I'm on my 30s now). In 2015 he decided to tell me that he is poli, that means he can love two or more people at the same time. I gave him all the support he needed and now he has a girlfriend. The thing is that now he totally changed his behavior towards me. I feel that he is cold and distant. And he says I'm crazy, that he loves me and won't know what to do if I leave him. At the same time it seems he is doing everything to make me wanna separate from him. I have all the classic symptoms of depression, I think about killing myself everyday, I feel worthless because I imagina horrible things, like he doesn't love me anymore. I want to be free from all the horrible thoughts I have. I'm an active person, I'm at college, I work. But all I wanna do is to be in bed all day, wishing to be forgotten by everyone. Please help.
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Re: I don't know how to get out of this

Hey @Adnanref, i am sad to hear that such a long relationship has hit such a rough patch I can't imagine how hard that must be and i feel your sadness coming through in this post. 

 

When i was in a polyamorous relationship a little while ago, my first partner at the time explained a nerdy math formula that kind of helped. Basically for every extra partner things become exponentially more complicated. Long story short, a relationship between 3 people is around 9 times more complicated than a relationship with 2 people and a relationship with 4 people is 16 times more complicated than a realtionship with 2 people!

 

It takes a lot of skills, you have to be really good at communicating and you have to be clear about what you need in the relationship from the other people in that relationship. If relationship skills were like muscles, everyone in the relationship  would have to build the muscles of an olympic powerlifter, train every day and work very hard! If you do that though, it's possible to be happy and healthy in a poly relationship! 

 

So tell me; what do you need? What do you need from your guy that you feel like you're not getting, how would you like him to show that to you? And how can you tell him those needs in a way that will help him understand what he needs to do?

 

If you're not sure how to answer those questions then it's probably best to get someone to help you build the skills (along with your partner's). Relationship counsellors are a big help with this!

 

I noticed that you're not in Australia, so i am not sure who to recommend to you over where you live. Have a look for relationship forums and relationship counselling organisations over there and let us know what you find? I think it would be good to find other people to talk to who are in similar relationships to yours. 

 

I am a little worried about some of the symptoms that you have talked about. If you are feeling like ending your life, it's really important to reach out to someone who can help you be safe safe. Are you okay with talking to someone? From what i understand, CVV is a great place to reach out for support. You can find out more about them by clicking here. Can you let me know if you're okay with calling them or someone else? 

 

 

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Re: I don't know how to get out of this

Good to have someone that had the same experience. Thanks for answering!

The problem is that I'm monogamic and he's poly. And it's a difficult situation because he wants to talk to her girlfriend on the phone in front of me, he wants me to listen to him telling her that he loves her, and those things are all too much for me to handle right now. And it seems I'm in this mind game, being manipulated. I have to be the strong one, I have to face everything that makes me feel uncomfortable. If not, he'll treat me with indifference and he says he's suffering because he's treating her girlfriend as a mistress because he can't talk to her in front of me. Today I accepted everything, I'm so tired. I'm mentallu exhausted from everything that's happening and I think it's easier to accept anything just to get over with it. He now can do whatever he wants to do and I won't comment on it. It feels like I'm becoming numb to this situation. I don't know and I'm afraid that this will change the intensity of love that I feel for him. That it will make me love him less. I feel like, since I don't have any say or power over this situation, that I have to accept it the way it is and move on, concentrating on the stuff that I have to do for work and college.

About the suicidal thoughts, I'm doing better. I've been talking a lot to people I can trust and I've thinking about it less and less. My family doesn't know about my situation but I keep in contact with them everyday and just to have their love and care is enough for me.

Thanks for replying!
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Re: I don't know how to get out of this

Hi @Adnanref, I'm really glad to hear you've been talking to people you can trust about the suicidal thoughts. Don't forget that if you need some extra help, there are support services that Ben mentioned like CVV.

 

I don't know heaps about poly relationships, but I know a little and what I do know is that communication is key. Everyone needs to be open about what they want and what they're ok/not ok with. If hearing your boyfriend talk to his other partner or listening to details about their relationship makes you unhappy, you need to let him know. Everyone needs to be happy, it's not about one person making all the sacrifices so the other can get what they want. I hope you can find the courage to speak to your boyfriend and come to an arrangement that makes you both happy. All the best!

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Re: I don't know how to get out of this

Thanks for answering! The problem is that what makes me unhappy makes him happy. To avoid confrontation, I just decided to let it go: he can do whatever he wants and I'm exercising my head to not let it care anymore. That can have a bad result, which is me not loving him as much as I did, but maybe that's the price to pay for this relationship. We communicate all right, but this situation in particular ia indeed very difficult.
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Re: I don't know how to get out of this

Hey @Adnanref

I can see how this situation is incredibly hard for you, as I imagine it would be for me too. Like Ellebelle was saying, relationships are about compromises and that does not, and really can not, mean one person making all of the compromises for the other person. Especially when the compromises are this big and taking this much of a toll.

You being unhappy should make him unhappy. And you shouldn't be sacrificing all of your happiness for his. You're already talking like you can see there being an end to this relationship due to this issue, and it sounds like right now you're more afraid of being without him than being unhappy.
I'm not advising you to break up with him, but know that being without him doesn't mean being alone. It also doesn't mean being unhappy. You need to take care of yourself, your happiness, and your mental health.

Anyway, if he cares for you he shouldn't want you unhappy. He shouldn't want you to grow to love him less. And he shouldn't want for your relationship to end.
I think it would be good to have a really big talk with him about exactly how you feel, including this recent development of trying not to care at all. If you feel up to it you could even show him all that you've written to us here.
If you feel like you two talking isn't enough, what do you think of some couples counselling?
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Re: I don't know how to get out of this

Thank you for you answer! I think about marriage counselling, I'm looking for some options where I live. I believe that, if I have to compromise for this relationship, he should, too. If I need help to deal with this, he should come with me because he's facing difficulties with this relationship as well. I've told him the same things I've written here. It seems things are getting better. At least I'm trying to make things better: I'm not comparing myself with her girlfriend anymore (as a monogamic person, this is a very common practice), I'm living my life, being more independent in emotional terms. I don't know if he's working to get things better in our relationship, I still see changes in the way he treats me. If that continues, after all the conversations we've had, and even with the counselling, I'll have to do something.
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Re: I don't know how to get out of this

It sounds like you are feeling a little bit better about yourself and how you are going to handle things now @Adnanref? It is really great to hear that you are seeking help from local services as well as considering counselling.

 

I thought I would recommend to you a book about polyamory. It is called "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. It talks about how to communicate, set boundaries and look after yourself. It also has activites you can do to help yourself figure out what you are and are not comfortable with. Which you might find worthwhile identifying as a monogamous person with a poly partner. 

 

|| Life runs in cycles, the wheel never stops turning, no matter how dark the night morning comes, no matter how cold the winter, spring comes. When you feel despair know that the wheel is turning, joy will come. ||