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I don't know what to do anymore...

Hello, I'm not doing great. For context, I’ve been questioning my gender identity since I was 12, and ever since I came out as transgender, a few months ago, I started to spiral into anxiety attacks, symptoms of major depressive syndrome (which was validated by my psychiatrist), and started to have more and more gender dysphoria, and I don’t know why. Throughout the month of Nov/Dec, this also caused me to not being able to attend school, and I’m now currently enrolling into an online school. I’ve seen therapists and psychologists about this, but I never feel comfortable talking about this to anyone face to face, and I panic whenever someone tries to talk to me about this in person (like I’ve thrown up multiple times on my way to psychologist appointment before due to stress). However, during winter break, I often had no motivation to eat/drink/sleep/do basic daily functions, I often either woke up at 1am or slept at 1-3am, and I started to have episodes, as I was (and am still) experiencing so much emotional pain (that I would scream and thrash, and I would become violent, unfortunately, often resorting to harming myself). 

Like a week ago, I verbally lashed out at my mom when she asked me about school, and this spiraled into me having a breakdown, self-harming (being angry at myself), rocking back and forth, breathing was quick/shallow, chest dysphoria heightened, and I felt nauseous (then I felt, mostly, despair). Some of the things that go through my head when I’m dealing with this is, at the worst, is that “…I can’t keep doing this…there’s no point to anything…” and that's really difficult to deal with, even though I know it makes no logical sense. At the best, its "nothing I'm doing to help myself has a point, and I'll never get better..." I've also been experiencing 2-3 breakdowns per day, which is now common, and I know that's not good, but that's what I'm dealing with. I tried calling a local hotline about this, a week ago or so, and they couldn't help me, which just made me feel more alone and is what makes me hesitate to go reach out for help/support in the first place. I’m currently on anti-depressants to try to temporarily help me cope with all of this, but that still isn’t helping. I’ve basically done everything I can to help myself: I’ve joined support groups, my mom has bought me chest binders to help deal with my gender dysphoria, and I’ve reached out to people about what I’m dealing with. Yet that still isn’t enough, as I’m currently doing everything I can to help myself feel better, yet nothing is really helping, as I’ve said.

I couldn't really relate to anyone I talked to, in the local LGBTQ+ community, even when one person in the community texted me that he could strongly relate to everything that I'm going through, because basically all of them are older than me, and I haven't found anyone who's nonbinary in the community so far, which makes me feel a bit alone. And then one of my therapists is trying to help me find support groups that won't hecking turn me down just because I'm under 16, people there are actually around my age, and isn't in the middle of the night as my timezone is UTC+ 8, but then again I have to deal with people like my psychiatrist, who knows that even while I'm dealing with anxiety/depression/gender dysphoria, when I mention hormone replacement therapy (hrt), as hormone blockers don't exist here, in Singapore, she immediately says "I don't know what that'll do to your brain, and it'll stunt your growth," so basically refusing to acknowledge how I'm feeling. And there’s a stupid law against being a publicly gay man, section 377, and how one has to undergo all of the surgeries, all of them, just to change one’s gender marker to the opposite gender.

I'm also going to the IMH (so institute of mental health) gender clinic on March 19, so hopefully that'll be a bit better, but I'm really skeptical of if they'll be supportive because I went to the IMH ED (so the emergency department) because I was dealing with suicidal thoughts, and all they did was change my medication and make an appointment to the IMH gender clinic, so they didn't actually help. I also currently have an appointment for talking to a gender therapist/endocrinologist in March, in Grand Cayman, as I happen to go there 3 times a year as my family has a house there, so that's nice, but that is in a quite a long time from now, as I can’t even imagine myself in a state of tomorrow. And so it just feels like no one cares, or that nothing matters. So all of this is quite overwhelming and difficult to deal with, and yesterday after telling my mom, "I don't want to talk to anyone, because you'll just yell at me for my inability to do things," since I constantly have no energy to do anything, she comes home and yells at me, while I'm having a panic attack and breakdown, and "I'm going to get a tranquilizer and get you on airplane and send you away," when I'm dealing with all of this, just because I can't get myself to school.

Re: I don't know what to do anymore...

Hi @hi_alex and welcome to the forums.  I am so glad that you found us here and I that you have shared your story – that was incredibly brave of you to speak so beautifully and honestly about the things that you are going through at the moment,

 

It really sounds like you are doing it tough at the moment and are in a lot of pain almost constantly and I really feel for you right now – the things that you have been facing on a daily basis are so incredibly difficult and it is only natural to feel overwhelmed by dealing with everything at the moment.

 

Just as an aside, I did make a couple of tiny edits to your post so that it is in line with our community guidelines – this is so that our amazing community can support you in the best possible way.  I hope you don’t mind.

 

Also, as you probably know, we are based in Australia and so we cannot offer you specific practical advice around resources in your region, but I am so glad that you found us here as this is such a loving and supportive community, some of whom have had really similar experiences as the ones that you describe who can share their experiences and just generally be there for you.

 

I was really struck when reading your post that you feel like you are in a position where nothing you are doing to help yourself is working – especially around lessening some of the pain that you are dealing with every day.  Is this fair?

 

It sounds like up to now you have been let down by all of the avenues that you have turned to for support – both practical and emotional that have not been that useful in dealing with the day-to-day pain that you are experiencing. 

 

I really hope that some of our amazing members can support you through this and so I would love to introduce you to @N1ghtW1ng who has spoken so beautifully on this topic in the past.

Re: I don't know what to do anymore...

Thank you so much, and it's no problem (this was a copy and paste, and therapists/counselors usually ask for all the details, so sorry about that)

Re: I don't know what to do anymore...

@hi_alex

I'm trans Ftm so can relate a lot to your pain. It sucks.

I'm not allowed surgery or hormones yet so I'm stuck with a lot of dysphoria. One thing that helped me was watch Ftm videos on YouTube and reminding myself that it won't always be like this.
Do you see a therapist? Mine has helped me a lot with ways to manage my mood and emotions and panic attacks not just everything triggered by my dysphoria.
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Re: I don't know what to do anymore...

Yes, I see a therapist. For some reason watching nonbinary or trans youtubers doesn't really help me feel better, it's just a video that I'm watching. Thanks anyways.

Re: I don't know what to do anymore...

@hi_alex how do you get on with your therapist
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Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
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Re: I don't know what to do anymore...

He's alright, but it’s so much harder to talk about things out loud, to therapists/counselors, as that’s basically acknowledging that what I'm dealing with is real, and that causes me to start feeling like I’m being suffocated, and a low mixture of despair, hopelessness, and anger/frustration.

Re: I don't know what to do anymore...

@hi_alex are there online counselling/therapy options in your country. Or online helplines you might be able to use.
Or could you write a letter to your therapist.

I have found being open and honest about how I'm feeling the best way to start recovery. It's the hardest thing to do but it helps.
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Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: I don't know what to do anymore...

No, I have 53 hotlines/chatlines on hand and none of them have been helpful to me so far, in helping me feel better. There is one online counseling option here, but it's not that great, as it's just general counseling. 

Re: I don't know what to do anymore...

@hi_alex are there specific lgbti support lines.

Also sorry about all the questions.

How are you feeling right now.
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Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire