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I don't know what to do with myself

I'm tired of being on this roller coaster. I feel like I can't take the pain anymore. It's overwhelming. I may not be depressed all the time, but the pain always comes back. I'm tired of having continuous and rapid mood changes. I never experience a mood in between, and the last normal ish mood was a few months ago. Feeling depressed is the worst part. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if it's my fault and that I'm a waste of space. I don't really know what to do. I don't know want to hold on and be safe, because I hate living a miserable life. But I'm too scared to let go.

Re: I don't know what to do with myself

Hey @Creativegirl12,


What makes you think that it's all your fault? I think yoiu're such a bright and  inspiring person, just by reading your posts on the forum. I think you are doing really well and it seems to me that every time you feel like this, you can find the energy to push through. We believe in you here and know that you can do anything when you put your mind to it. 


Do you notice yourself having these thoughts occurring after something has triggered it? 


I know it might seem a little rushed but how about we set a goal. It doesn't matter how short term it may be (ie could be going for a walk around the block today for 5 minutes, going to bed at the same time every night, having a healthy breakky) or long term (challenge negative thinking effortlessly). 


It's important to realise that even though your thoughts may seem to be controlling your mood right now, that it doesn't have to be that way and we can help you change that. Our brains can be super silly, and it's essential to know that these thoughts no matter how strong and overwhelming they may be, that they are not helpful and we can beat them.


What do you think?



Re: I don't know what to do with myself

Hey @Creativegirl12 you've talked a few times about how hard things have been for you right now and that you feel as if you're struggling to find a way to find that point of stability. I know a lot of people can feel suicidal when they go through this. Are you having thoughts of ending your life?

Re: I don't know what to do with myself

@Lahna I'll try challenge my negative thoughts. But sometimes I wonder if what my negative thoughts are saying is true. For example What if I am actually lazy? After all I'm lying in bed doing nothing much today. What if it my fault? I've seen various therapists and been on different meds, I'm not saying it didn't help. But what if I'm not doing enough? I've tried so many things why do I still feel like shit? Why am I crying? Am I crazy?

@Ben-RO I've been thinking about it, I don't have a plan as of yet. I felt useless and hopeless. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel sick and really depressed today.

Re: I don't know what to do with myself

you are enough. you are worth it. you are a amzing person. its okay to not be okay. it's fine to feel like shit. just breath, and take it day by day. take care of yourself. not every treament works for everyone give your self the time. and please please keep fighting. please. i know your in a dark place and its so hard to get out. im in there too. im fighting everyday. i can't say it will all be fine, but please please dont give up. please.  

Re: I don't know what to do with myself

Hi @Creativegirl12


Keeping in mind that you were feeling quite low on Friday, I just want to check in and see how you're doing now and whether you've had any thoughts of suicide today? How's your weekend been so far? 


I can sense how hard you were trying to fight these negative thoughts and it seemed to really be tearing you up. I know how easy it can be to doubt yourself and to continue to do so once you're in that dark place. And I also know that it is so much easier said than done, but believe me when I say it's not your fault. Would you blame a mate's broken arm on his/her inability to get out bed all day? Would you say it's their fault because the meds are not working to heal their arm? We know that some things work for some people and some things just don't. In this case, the mate is probably just not doing that well in terms of pain so he's chilling in bed, and his meds are most likely the wrong combo for him, right? 


When it comes to mental health, it's not as black and white as a broken arm because we don't have clear cut answers. But that's because recovery isn't a simplistic fix, it's a journey with ups and downs and trial and error and breakthroughs and frustrations on the way, whether it means therapists, meds, shitty feels or days feeling like you're unable to move. And that is OK. It's such a compliated mix of factors, so how can it be your fault? It is so hard to challenge these thoughts, but it is imperative that you do because ultimately they are counterproductive to your journey to recovery. 


How does all that sit with you? 

Re: I don't know what to do with myself

@ma30n thanks, I hope it gets better for you too. I guess it takes time, patience is something I need to work on.

@Sans-RO I think I have a tendency of feeling guilty and ashamed of myself. I put a lot of pressure on myself, I think I'm afraid of letting people down for being this way. While it's true different things work for different people, and maybe I haven't gotten there yet. I feel guilty for various reasons, over things that were never in my control. It's been a hard weekend, I'm trying to keep myself safe, can't really stop thinking about ending it.

Re: I don't know what to do with myself

@Creativegirl12 feeling concerned for others is a wonderful trait. I can understand your tendency to blame yourself for experiencing unhelpful thoughts and painful feelings - it sounds like you really don't want to cause other people some kind of inconvenience and that in turn makes you feel worse. When you are feeling up to it, I would like you to consider the possibility that perhaps people who do care about you, don't expect you to be a 'certain way' i.e. 'not depressed', 'not anxious'. They care about you just because.


As other people have so nicely said on this thread that depression and anxiety can do a real number of on perception of ourselves and they can make us believe things that are simply not true. It is imperative to have awareness of this so that when we are feeling really down and having suicidal thoughts, some part of us knows that this isn't 'all of me' that's like this - it's my depressed brain. 


I also hope you are not feeling pressured here on this thread. I just wanted to tell you that you sound like a very special and brave person and to take this one day at a time. It's really okay to feel crap. Self-compassion can be very challenging to develop but it's a goal worth aiming for. When you want to, you can check this awesome thread on this topic. 

Re: I don't know what to do with myself

@Mona-RO I definitely need to work on self-compassion, my psychologist tells me I'm too hard on myself.

When I'm depressed I am really sensitive and vulnerable, when some comes along and criticises me I feel like shit and I feel even more worthless, and in the end I become more depressed. I don't know why i let my old psychiatrist criticism get to me, and I sort of feel guilty. Maybe it's nothing and I'm letting it get to me. Maybe it was just a honest misunderstanding between us.  She accused me of playing games, not being honest about my symptoms, relying on meds so I don't have to actively do anything about depression and said she does not believe I have migraines even I've been diagnosed with migraines. I don't like it when my problems are belittled. it's like she thought I was making it up. I felt pressurised by her to fix myself, I felt like I had to be superhuman. I felt pressurised to find what triggers depression, and when I couldn't find it I felt incredibly frustrated. She thought my mood swings were reactions, but I don't know what they're reactions to, but somehow she thought I was suppose to fix myself, and that the reason I'm like this is due to my lack of effort. Sorry for ranting. I'm just really angry.

Re: I don't know what to do with myself

Hey @Creativegirl12,


Firstly thank you for sharing. I can relate to what you're saying so much. The first psychiatrist I went to was like that and really pushy and said things like that that were really challenging and didn't really suit my mentality because I was already really hard on myself so it just sort of made it worse. It can be really hard to digest all those things when they're being said to you and it's completely normal for them to hit a sore spot especially because some of it was so harsh. I can imagine how frustrating that would have been because you are trying every day. 


Have you spoken to your new psychologist about what happened? Hopefully you can pick out some positives things that you can learn from them, I learnt that I had the power within me to change. That it was up to me to want things to be different and work hard at it, she didn't really tell me in a way that was good but I just tried to take that away and leave all the rest of the stuff. If you do that it can be a really empowering lesson if you let it. That doesn't mean that your problems aren't important or that anything else she made you feel is okay or true. Only you know the true you, everything you've been through, how hard you try every day. It's hard not letting criticism get to you, it isn't easy, but you have grown so much already. The fact that you've recognised that you need to be easier on yourself and love yourself more is already a huge step forward!


Anyway i better end my rant now. Just wanted you to know that things can and will change and you aren't alone Smiley Happy