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I don't know what to do?

hI Guys sorry i have been really sick the last few months so havent really been able to get to a computer. 

 

starting to feel a little bit better, but things have gotten worse. 

The doctors have found some more malignant tumours throughout my body. 

I have two on my spine, one behind my right eye which is effecting my eye sight, i have one on my hip and a few on my stomach. 

I am on chemo and not taking it as well as the doctors expected. 

 

But what i really need is some advice. 

My older cousin has been supporting me through this tough time as my mum doesnt know, but the other day she told me she can no longer be the support to me it has to be my mother and if I dont tell her she will call my mum up and tell her. BUT i just dont know how to tell her something this serious.. if i should tell her face to face, right her a letter or message her while i am out. 

I told my cousin that she knows a little bit but not a lot, but the truth is she doesnt really know anything besides the tumour that i had taken out about two months ago came back malignant. 

so i am scared if my cousin tells her she will think that i have been lying to her about everything that has been going on. 

But the truth is i have just been scared to tell my mum, but now the time has come and i really need to tell her, I just dont know how to go about it... 

 

Please any suggestions?

Re: I don't know what to do?

Hey @Talitha93 

 

So nice to see you back around! Smiley Happy

 

I'm so sorry to hear your health issues have continued. It sounds like things have been getting worse since you last posted.

 

It sounds like your cousin might have a point in saying that it seems like now is the time to tell your mum. Not only because it's a lot for your cousin to deal with but also it's really important that you get the care you need.

 

I'm sure there's a reason for you not wanting to tell your mum. Is it one you can share?

Only because maybe you're reason for not wanting her to know might now be trumped by your need to be looked after.

What do you think?

Re: I don't know what to do?

Hey @NigioC

Thankyou.
I know she has a point but i just feel abandoned by her. She said she would always help me no matter what happens. she will always be there for me.
I havent spoken to her since we had a little argument about it on Wednesday, im fighting this urge to message her but i dont know what to say. I told her i would tell mum on saturday but i just havent.
I just think if i tell my mum it will upset her an just make this all feel so real.
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Re: I don't know what to do?

That's so understandable @Talitha93  this stuff is super scarey and real. So much so that it's possible your cousin didn't quite realise what she was signing on for. Her telling you to tell your mum may be her way of saying 'I'm scared I can't look after you properly. I need help with helping you.'

Is that possible?

I know it might feel like telling your mum will make this very real. It's a very common response to trauma. We all do it. Some in big ways, some in small. I do it everytime I feel overwhelmed with my financial responsibilities, so I stop going to the mailbox and answering my phone if I don't know who's ringing.

Unfortunately, the biggest irony when we do this is, it's already real. It's happening. There's no changing that and avoiding or hiding from it only ever makes it worse.

Know you're fighting with your cousin, right at the time when you need to feel relaxed and supported so you can concentrate on getting well.

 

What if you wrote a pros and cons list? All the pros of telling your mum and all the cons of telling her. Would that help?

 

Re: I don't know what to do?

@nigioC- I really dont know what she could have meant by that. An I want to talk to her but i don't know what i would say, i am really hurt by it. She always said she would always be there to support me no matter what. And i just feel like she has abandoned me.
Its so scary to know my mum could find out about this from someone else not her own daughter.

I dont know if writing pros and cons would do anything, but ill give it a go.

Re: I don't know what to do?

Hey @Talitha93 , I'm so sorry to hear that things aren't going well for you health wise. It's really scary stuff that you're having to deal with right now, so I can understand that not getting the support you need from someone you're close to would be very difficult.

 

You mentioned a really good point in your original message,which was that you have a lot of ways that you can start the conversation with your mum about your illness. Is there any kind of communication style that you tend to fall on particularly in times of conflict? I know from personal experience that sometime I have an easier time writing things down than hashing it out face to face, so finding what works for you might make things a little easier.

 

I understand from this post and ones that you've made before that you and your mum have a patchy history when it comes to you being sick, so maybe before covering the topic of the new illness it might be a good idea to tell her how you feel about what's gone before. Your feelings are valid and you deserve to have an opportunity to let her know that she's hurt you.

 

Wishing you all the best for your treatment, hopefully some good news will come up soon Smiley Happy

Re: I don't know what to do?

hey, @Chessca_H 

 No need to be sorry, i think its just a way of life now and I;m not the only one that is going through a tough time at the moment.. 

It's not that i dont want the support, its that im scared to tell my mum because i know how she will react and i dont need that right now. My cousin wont reply to any of my messages. 

 

But i messaged what was going on to my mum about 2 hours ago and she hasnt replied to me as of yet. i couldnt bring myself telling her face to face so i thought it would be easier to tell her by a mesage and if she wants to come to me and talk about it then she can, if she doesnt then thats fine too. 

 

No we dont have a great relationship when it comes to things like this, she shits down and doesnt talk to me about it, but i guess i do the same. having someone that means so much to you find out that you are really sicks kills you and it makes everything feel so real, i cant hide it anymore, i cant act like im okay and i certanly cant lie to her anymore. 

 

Thankyou Smiley Happy

Re: I don't know what to do?

@Talitha93 I just wanted to say that you are really strong and brave with what you are going through. Thinking of you. I hope things work out between you and your mum.
===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: I don't know what to do?

Hi @Talitha93  it sounds like you've been going through a really difficult time recently, but your bravery and maturity has been so so great.  Well done on telling your mum, that's huge! 

 

Remember that you can't control how she responds, but you can control how you react.  It could be a lot for someone close to take in, so if she reacts poorly it's probably not a true indicator of how she really feels.  Maybe acknowledging how she might be feeling could smooth it over a bit?   I think you've done so well just letting her know. 

 

I really hope it goes well, and that you get some good news soon

 

 

Re: I don't know what to do?

@Talitha93 welcome back. I am so sorry to hear about your health. You sound so amazing and strong though, I really admire you.

I definitely think you should tell your mum in person. I say this because, it sounds like its going to be something on a emotional level and you will be able to explain better in person. Sometimes when you don't get to tell someone something yourself the message can not be relayed correctly.

I understand what you mean about when you say it out loud that it makes it real. And that is really scary sometimes.

But you are obviously so strong and amazing. Please let us know how you go with your mum!