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I don’t really know how to start this- (tw ??)

I mean I’m new to this forum and I don’t really know how it works ( a bit ignorant I guess) but yeah- I’ll get to the point 

 

for so long I keep feeling numb so detached from everything and like the most mundane tasks suddenly become so challenging. I mean I look to my friends doing school work and are able to write English essays and do homework in 2 hours per night max- but I often just sit at my laptop and can only manage to write 2 lines in 45 minutes. It’s not that i don’t care about my education or anything like- I really do (I’m trying to get into med) but everything seems so impossibly heavy and insurmountable. Like my self esteem seems to massively fluctuate too- like one day I’ll have this facade of like “oh I got 100% on this test” or something like that and feel good. But the rest of the time I just feel so inadequate and disgusted/disappointed with myself. I feel as though I keep letting myself down over and over again and rather than dealing with it- I just ignore it and set it aside. Like if I accept it it’ll disappear. It’s like every morning I just want to stay in the dark warm anonymity of my bedsheets and not have to disappoint anyone. And then there’s the issue of people complementing me. When people say like “you’re so smart” or “you’re so pretty” I feel so sad because I know deep down that I’m not. And that I wear makeup and try to speak intellectually to appear a certain way when in fact I’m none of these things. I act like I can get in to a good uni and do well in school when I mess up the most simple things and constantly hand work in a week or more late. I can’t deal with this stress either- because I know I’m lacking and my grades are sliding but I’m just stressed and feel so frozen like I can’t do anything to stop it. And when I want to cry about it I just can’t??????? Like me crying lasts a solid 3 seconds before I miraculously stop and dissociate. 

my friends are really nice though- like i’m quite lucky to have people in my life but I feel like I can’t talk to them about my constant feeling disappointed/empty/fearful. Every time I bring up something like “I feel so tired, like I genuinely want to give ” everyone will be like “OMG SAME” and I can’t tell if I’m being overly dramatic by assuming there’s something wrong with me bc this is quite simply a normal thing.

 

i feel like I don’t really have much to say and I’m sorry if wasted your time reading this- I’m just finding everything really overwhelming right now - like school work - staying happy etc etc. 

 

I mean I’m sure this is probably temporary. But also if anyone has like advice ... or something ?? 

but yes thank you for reading this if you did- I don’t expect this to get much attention

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Re: I don’t really know how to start this- (tw ??)

Welcome @tfamidoinghere! We were all new to the forum once so it's okay to be unfamiliar with stuff Smiley Tongue

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling to focus and motivate yourself lately Smiley Sad This must be really isolating for you.. It sounds like you've been comparing yourself to your peers a lot because they seem to be getting more work done than you? But it sounds like this kind of thinking is only making you feel more down about yourself and less motivated..

That's interesting that you mentioned that your self-esteem fluctuates. I hear that if you think you did well on a task that matters to you, your self-esteem gets a bit of a boost? Is that right? It sounds like your performance in your studies are really important to you and maybe that could be why if you feel you haven't met certain standards, your sense of self worth dramatically decreases?

It might be helpful to remember that how you perform on a particular task does not define you as a person. You are more than a grade! I'm curious as to where your thoughts go when you feel you're doing poorly? You mentioned you wanted to get into med, do you feel you might be catastrophising about that when you don't meet your own standards? Anxiety can cause us to think that there is only one way we can do something, and if it goes wrong, we're doomed to the worst case scenario. But that's just not true

What stood out to me is that when people say you're smart, you dismiss that, because you feel you're faking it? And that your peers seem to be faster at completing their homework? How can you know this for sure? What if some of them are pretending everything is okay like you are? It's important to not get caught up in comparing yourselves to others because often everything is not always as it seems...

Have you thought of reaching out to a counsellor or something like that to help with your mood and concentration? It all sounds really difficult to be dealing with on your own Smiley Sad
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Re: I don’t really know how to start this- (tw ??)

Ahhh I’m really not used to ppl caring this much it feels so alien- thank you so much for like responding and stuff it really means a lot Smiley Happy

 (Like you’re so kind and- i -)


I mean I’m not really sure how to answer this but I’ll try - 


“I'm curious as to where your thoughts go when you feel you're doing poorly?” 
 Generally when I do poorly it just feeds into the idea that I’m not as good as I present myself to be. Like my success is a facade to both the people around me and myself (when I think I’ve done well when indeed that was only because it was an easy/menial task). But basically it just kind of silently builds up- like all my past and present failure and makes me feel like I cannot compare in the slightest to anyone else ( and I acknowledge that comparison is unhealthy but that’s ultimately how schools rank you and how society ranks you against other people).

also as additional information in a few weeks I have an interview for a selective entry school and I feel so helpless because I know I won’t get in but I want nothing more than to get in. So me getting substandard grades/not doing well kinda  solidifies this.

 

as for reaching out to a counsellor - my parents I think are quite averse to the idea of me going to counselling (also I don’t want to ask them because I don’t want to put any strain on them/ have to involve them in my issues) and I don’t really trust school counsellors from past experience... so that’s kind of an issue.

 

But I guess in summary, what you said has helped me understand quite a lot Smiley Happy 

 

like to reiterate- thank you so much for like responding I really appreciate you taking the time to do this.

 


@Lost_Space_Explorer5 wrote:
Welcome @tfamidoinghere! We were all new to the forum once so it's okay to be unfamiliar with stuff Smiley Tongue

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling to focus and motivate yourself lately Smiley Sad This must be really isolating for you.. It sounds like you've been comparing yourself to your peers a lot because they seem to be getting more work done than you? But it sounds like this kind of thinking is only making you feel more down about yourself and less motivated..

That's interesting that you mentioned that your self-esteem fluctuates. I hear that if you think you did well on a task that matters to you, your self-esteem gets a bit of a boost? Is that right? It sounds like your performance in your studies are really important to you and maybe that could be why if you feel you haven't met certain standards, your sense of self worth dramatically decreases?

It might be helpful to remember that how you perform on a particular task does not define you as a person. You are more than a grade! I'm curious as to where your thoughts go when you feel you're doing poorly? You mentioned you wanted to get into med, do you feel you might be catastrophising about that when you don't meet your own standards? Anxiety can cause us to think that there is only one way we can do something, and if it goes wrong, we're doomed to the worst case scenario. But that's just not true

What stood out to me is that when people say you're smart, you dismiss that, because you feel you're faking it? And that your peers seem to be faster at completing their homework? How can you know this for sure? What if some of them are pretending everything is okay like you are? It's important to not get caught up in comparing yourselves to others because often everything is not always as it seems...

Have you thought of reaching out to a counsellor or something like that to help with your mood and concentration? It all sounds really difficult to be dealing with on your own Smiley Sad



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Re: I don’t really know how to start this- (tw ??)

Hey @tfamidoinghere thanks for sharing what you're going through, I'm glad that @Lost_Space_Explorer5  has been able to offer some support and welcome you to the forum Heart

It is such a shame that schools use rankings, because as you say comparison is unhealthy but it can be so unavoidable when that is the system. I think it creates this horrible pressure that is really unfair and I'm sorry you're feeling this right now, is there anything you are doing to look after yourself while you're going through this intense time? I think completing menial tasks is something that should be celebrated, it can be exhausting just to get the smallest things done sometimes, but it's ok to take it one day at a time.

If you don't want to see a school counsellor that is totally up to you and fair enough, and if you aren't really keen to speak to your parents about things that also your choice.

An alternative to that if you want some additional support could be getting in touch with Kids Helpline, they have a webchat service as well as a phone and email service and are available 24/7 here is a link to their website for more info: https://kidshelpline.com.au/

It sounds like a really tough, high-stress, time for you @tfamidoinghere, we are here to listen and support you Smiley Happy 

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Re: I don’t really know how to start this- (tw ??)

Thankyou so much !!! Everyone on here is really supportive and I really appreciate it Smiley Happy

 

I will definitely try and look into it 

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Re: I don’t really know how to start this- (tw ??)

@tfamidoinghere welcome to the forum, we know posting when you are struggling can be difficult so we appreciate you being here for sure!

 

It' great to hear that you looking into the advice that @Hannah-RO and @Lost_Space_Explorer5  have provided, that's a productive step to take. Feel free to use this thread to keep us updated on your journey, find community and just chat in general. We appreciate you reaching out, and we can help you make the most of the forums.

 

Sending hugs!

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Re: I don’t really know how to start this- (tw ??)

Smiley Happy ahh thank you so much

 

your support means so much like- 

 

i can’t express how grateful I am 

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Re: I don’t really know how to start this- (tw ??)

You're very welcome Smiley Happy I'm glad you're finding the forums supportive! You deserve support!

Let us know how looking into getting a counsellor on Kids Helpline goes Smiley Happy
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Re: I don’t really know how to start this- (tw ??)

Hi, @tfamidoinghere, I'm happy you're finding the forums helpful. The community on here is really nice and supportive, so everyone, including myself, are always open to chat about anything.

 

I'm not sure what year you're in at school, but it sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed with the stress of the education system, which I can totally sympathise with. I graduated last year and I really resonate with feeling detached and numb, and feeling stressed and overwhelmed but not really knowing how to express it or cry, or even being able to. Just try to remember that school is an outdated system that relies far too much on unrealistic ideals and expectations, especially the ranking system. I see that you want to get into medicine? Just remember that no matter what course you want to take, you can always find an alternative entry into uni, not just the ATAR or early entry.

My advice would be to try and give yourself some self love, and if you can (even though I know its hard) try to not care so much about expectations, both from others and yourself. Try to take it one day at a time, and remember that school is only a minor chapter in your life in the large scheme of things. Maybe also look into techniques like 'grounding' to help with any feelings of dissociation and numbness. And like others have said, I would recommend using a service like https://kidshelpline.com.au/

Hope you are doing well today, and I hope this can help you a little bit. 

 

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Re: I don’t really know how to start this- (tw ??)

Hey @tfamidoinghere,

How are feeling about everyones tips? I just wanted to check in on you since you mentioned you sometimes feel really good but then can quickly feel disappointed in yourself. I have a similar experience with this and I know what it feels like to talk to a friend or someone, feel better for having it off your chest, have them move on but then a day or 2 later go back to feeling kinda bad again. So I just wanted to let you know that it is okay if this is or isn't the case, but also that I'm here for you either way.

Smiley Happy