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I dont know how I feel.

Just finished work its 2.43 am and I came home after a long day feeling depressed and run down, wanting to scream and throw things and sit in the corner, but I didnt I kept working I kept smiling until I finished. I'm very self annalytical so I'm sitting here thinking all of a sudden, like "Your not depressed, your not sad, your not anything. Your fine, its normal to be feel like this" i keep focusing on this idea that this is normal where I logically know its not. This comes after I was talking to a girl about how her counsellor always makes her feel like the things she is feeling is normal, and it gives off that impression that you dont belong there and should stay home instead. Of course I've had a similar experience in the past where I've felt like I havent particularly felt i've belonged. But then again I've never belonged anywhere. Other than under my bed covers, hidden from the world. 

 

^ All those words were saved from the night before the day I attempted suicide. I was admitted into hospital after I overdosed. And I'm not sure if I'm worse than prior to this. I still have suicide on my mind. I'm still unhappy. Its been two weeks. I didnt even last 5 hrs without self harming once I got out of there. I dont know why I self destruct so easily. They think I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and I dont know if that is official yet. The only reason why I dont try to commit suicide again now. Is because well if I live, I'll be stuck without money and a way to pay rent. Its soo painful dealing with these emotions, and in the moment it doesnt feel like I can make it another month. I'm on medication but I honestly feel no different to before, it takes a few weeks to make an affect apparently, so its only a matter of time. And for my sake I hope they work. I feel like I'm soo disconnected from my emotions. That isnt entirely a new thing, I've felt like that for a long time. But when I do feel its soo overwhelming. 

 

What did I ever do to deserve to feel this way? Why am I trying to live? What is my purpose? Life just feels so pointless now. I see my clinical psychologist tomorrow, so I guess I will talk to him about it. I'm just here venting and I'm sorry if I bothered you in anyway from coming on here to do so.

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Re: I dont know how I feel.

Hey @endommage,

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a tough time, but I'm really glad you've got people like your psychologist who are supporting you. And you don't need to apologise for coming on ReachOut to share and vent - that's what we're here for!

I get what you're saying about having trouble sometimes working out if something you're feeling is normal or abnormal (how can we know? We only know what it's like in our OWN minds, who knows what goes on in everyone else's heads?). What would happen if you instead asked yourself "does this feel good or bad?" instead? Because if something feels bad, it's ok to try to change it - who cares if it is "normal" or not? Smiley Happy

I hope that you have a safety plan for if you start feeling suicidal or like self harming again. And of course, if you find you're not in a safe situation, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Talking to your psych was a good plan - how did that go?

 

Be well,

blithe

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Re: I dont know how I feel.

hey @endommage thank you so much for sharing, it sounds like you are going through a really hard time at the moment and my heart goes out to you

 

@blithe  had some really good suggestions, especially regarding having a 'safety plan' and lifeline

 

With the medication - it can sometimes take a little while for it to take affect, so give it time and it should start to help.

 

Is there anyone that you would consider yourself to be really close with?

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Re: I dont know how I feel.

Hi @endommage , just wanted to pop in and say that you are always welcome to post about your troubles here on ReachOut!! We're all here to support you.

Also wanted to ask, how is everything going? Did you make up a safety plan yet? Have you spoken to anyone about what you are experiencing?

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Re: I dont know how I feel.

Sorry for the late reply. I have a crisis plan with the inpatient unit I was with. I spoke to him about everything including the self harm and the non intentful suicidal thoughts.

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Re: I dont know how I feel.

That's good @endommage How are you feeling?

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Re: I dont know how I feel.

Hi @endommage 

don't feel like you've been a bother, we're here for you Smiley Happy

It must be really tiring to have to bottle up your feelings like you've described. During times when you feel depressed and want to scream, I think it's best to find an outlet for that energy, other than keeping it hidden and making you feel worse. What are the things you enjoy doing? Have you tried anything in the past that eased those emotions? Perhaps you can try journaling, exercising/going for a walk or listening to music.

 

I understand the questions you have about life can be really overwhelming to think about and a lot of people I know have struggled with them. Maybe it's best not to pressure yourself to find an answer for them now because as you continue exploring life and learning from experiences, you'll figure out your goals and purpose. 

 

Stay strong @endommage we're here for you Smiley Happy