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Re: I feel like I am unwanted.

Hey @TOM-RO 

 

Thank you so much for that ❤️ It really took a lot out of me to face that situation and literally not turn around and run off. And it paid off I think, which is so nice. I agree with you completely...the stuff my mind tells me when it’s in that anxious state is never really true. But the unfortunate thing is...we tend to believe it in the moment, despite knowing that the truth can be far from our perception of it. It’s played a huge part in my life, as I know it has with others...and it just sucks. I wish I could more effectively sort of step back and pull my mind from all those thoughts...but it’s just really difficult to do though. 

I am currently applying to Unis at the moment...and I don’t know why but I really want to apply to an undergrad med degree. The thing is...I know I won’t be the most academic candidate that is applying...it’s significantly tough to get into their program. So making that decision...to even apply toook so much out of me. I am not sure if it’s just me...but sometimes, once in a while, my mind mocks me “Why are you even trying, it’s not gonna go anywhere, there are other people more worthy of it than you.” It hurts like hell that I think like that of myself..but I am going to apply anyway. I have nothing to lose...and to be honest as cliche as it sounds, I am following my heart ☺️. Who knows....maybe just...maybe something good might come out of it.

Yeah, that’s what I am thinking too. I am just not...ready to even think about telling them just yet. Last night I was so exhausted and I finished what I wanted to for the day. I wanted to go to bed at 9 ish, and that’s what I did. My parents however, stopped me midway and said not so nice things about how much of a lazy failure I am. I just...walked off. Never have been able to talk back to them..but maybe I will get there some day. It’s tough, because every time I tell them this is my situation, they cut me off so rudely and say that I don’t know anything. Where can you even go with that? In fact, I once wrote them a letter. I told them I wanted to see someone about it...like a psych, because I genuinely felt so isolated and alone and completely hopeless. They mocked me for it, for months on end. They even said mental health issues aren’t really a thing...it’s just what we make of it. Like if we think we need help or something - we will..but if we don’t think that way, everything will be fine. It’s such a stupid thought. Mental health is such a relevant issue and the fact they said all that to me still sort of angers me. The other day my psych asked if I would like to tell my parents about our meetings - but when I told her about the situation...how they don’t believe in stuff like mental health issues - she thankfully understood and didn’t push despite being required to. 

Just two more months...and I will be out of here. My parents want me to stay, which is ironic considering that they are the main reason that I am planning to leave. I am just hoping something good comes out of next year...fingers crossed.

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Re: I feel like I am unwanted.

Hey @StarGirl101 

 

I think it's so great that you're applying to uni, (I've just edited some details out of your post for privacy reasons) and following your heart! That's really amazing. It sure can be scary though and a really tough and vulnerable spot to put yourself in. When I was applying to uni I was convinced I wouldn't get in - and I did get rejected from quite a few unis to be honest! But I kept applying because I only needed to get into one, and eventually I did and I was so glad I put the effort in to apply. I understand it can be really scary, you should be so proud of yourself Heart

 

That must be hurtful that your parents said that to you, and that they've mocked you for wanting to get support with your mental health. It sounds like you are in tune with how you feel and you're being really proactive with working out what you need, good on you walking away from them, sometimes it can be best to just remove ourselves from a situation. Thats also really good to hear your psych is on board with not pushing you to talk to them, you have a right to privacy and to be supported on your terms Heart

I'm crossing my fingers for next year too @StarGirl101 ! I think it's really exciting that you are thinking about your future like going to uni and moving out, there are some cool things to look forward to Smiley Happy  Have you got a place organised? 

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Re: I feel like I am unwanted.

It's so lovely to hear from you again @StarGirl101 Heart

I'm glad you've been feeling better and are excited about applying to universities! It is such an exciting journey that you are beginning and I look forward to hearing all about it!

I'm sorry that your parents are still being negative towards you Smiley Sad What kind of coping strategies have you been using to help you get through this?

 

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Re: I feel like I am unwanted.

Hey @StarGirl101,

 

I am really sorry you are struggling with so many negative thoughts. You are right, it can be so difficult to step back and push back from all those thoughts, especially when they have been like that for a long time and when you feel there is little else to balance those negative thoughts out. It is great you're able to recognize that they're untrue, even if you can't always see it at the time when those thoughts are most intense. In the past I have sometimes found it helpful to imagine how I would feel if someone said those same negative things to a friend or someone I care about - e.g. "why are you even trying, it’s not gonna go anywhere, there are other people more worthy...”, it would be very hurtful to say this to someone. I have also found writing out all of the negative things I tell myself/negative thoughts I have either in a word doc or on paper - sometimes just externalizing them can be helpful in giving them a little less power over you & can help you challenge them a bit more. I apologise if you have already tried these things, but if not maybe it might be worth trying. 

 

I am sorry your parents have not been understanding and that they haven't supported you in seeking help and in applying for universities. That must be really difficult. It is great that you have sought help and continued your applications despite their discouragement, I admire your courage. 

 

Applying for uni can be so daunting - but you don't know if you don't try. And it can be reassuring to remember there are other pathways down the track (e.g. to get into postgrad med) if you don't get what you were hoping to the first time around. It is great that you are able to look forward to next year - that is exciting and I hope that you find something somewhere that you enjoy and feel comfortable. 

 

 

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Re: I feel like I am unwanted.

Hey @th967 @sunnygirl606 and @Hannah-RO, thank you for all the support...I really mean it. 

I had quite the tough day I guess. Hasn’t really been easy...I don’t feel like Anybody cares about me...which is completely okay, but that gets to you of course. I had a test today. I prepped for it all by myself...did all the research. Some people however did get some help from tutors - and knew exactly what to write. When I heard about all the stuff they wrote...just..I don’t know. I felt like I could have controlled it and done better...but I wouldn’t know what to do if I had another chance. I am proud I gave it my own best work and that I was able to come up with similar things they had in their responses - just..wish it turned out different. 

I am so..so exhausted from living. Everything feels like it’s falling apart. Nobody cares...you know? No one really cares for me whatsoever...and that sucks. I just wish things were different...I wish something turned out okay..for me for just once. I hate having to pick myself up...every single time. I want to give up. On everything. I don’t want to care about what other people say...or think about me. I hate being the one person on the outside...watching as people get what they want, be happy with themselves. How nice would it be...to be so confident when you walk into the classroom - knowing that something will work out for you? I crave that. I haven’t seen...the light at the end of the tunnel. I found out today that I need to get teacher recommendations for my application to undergrad - because I only decided to apply two days ago. The teacher I asked, of course was asked by many others - more capable people I guess. And he didn’t try to hide that fact. I am trying to push on...it’s so so exhausting. I just wanna hit that pause button...for two three months on end...and just lay in bed and never have to get up. My friend asked him for it...and he told me to ask her about it instead. But she didn’t care to tell me anything about it...she didn’t want to, I could see that. 

I don’t know...what to do. The cliche answer would be to never give up...and keep going. But I physically feel like I don’t want to anymore. I need to let go of something...everything is just too heavy. My parents haven’t talked to me since last night - just been making side comments...the people who I trusted at school showed me today that they don’t give crap about me - only want some sort of academic gain. How do you...I just have no idea. I feel like there is nothing to live for...as dangerous as that thought might be. It’s true..i have nothing going for me. I have no idea what I am doing here...and that is so scary. 

 

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Re: I feel like I am unwanted.

Hey @StarGirl101, I can see just from reading your post how exhausted and tired you must be right now. It sounds like a lot of your studies and school work have really been getting you down which I totally understand. 

How have you been tonight? It seems like you've been processing a lot of really heavy feelings, which would be so difficult. Especially if you're feeling really isolated by your friends at the moment. Were you able to talk to your parents at all tonight?

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Re: I feel like I am unwanted.

Hey @Andrea-RO 

 

Yeah yesterday was difficult. I made sure to not do anything for the evening though just to ease things up a bit. It helped to sort of turn my mind off and not think about anything for a few hours. Of course...this morning I am feeling a little stressed out because I am now a little behind. I have a bunch of school work to catch up on...and applications to fill (which have so many questions 😅) all by myself. Just hoping to take one thing at a time though - probably start of with getting those applications done so I can review them over the next few days. And then...focus on whatever comes next. 

They haven’t really talked to me properly yet. But it is okay I guess, it is what it is, no point taking it to heart. 

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Re: I feel like I am unwanted.

Hey @StarGirl101

 

It is really good that you were able to give yourself a bit of a break from your studies last night - it sounds like it was what you needed Heart Take one thing at a time, as you said, and do what you can. I know it is so much easier said than done, but try not to beat yourself up. It sounds like you are really hurting. Are you seeing your psych sometime soon?

 

Try and do something nice for yourself today, or if you don't feel like that is possible, maybe try and plan something for the weekend that you can look forward to.

 

Take care.

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Re: I feel like I am unwanted.

Hey @StarGirl101 

It's good to hear you let yourself relax after what seemed like a really stressful day! I understand completely how it feels right now with the school year coming to the end and the exams/ATAR slowly creeping up! It seems so scary but you will do good; before you know it, it'll be over! Heart 

 

When I find myself falling behind, I try to make studying/catching up fun! I create lists of what I need to do (i find it so satisfying to tick off something I've done to see the list get smaller), I play music (have a little jam session whilst writing some notes) or make my notes look really fun and colourful (which I have found helped my recall memory for the test or exams)! Maybe this might help you feel better whilst catching up?

 

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Re: I feel like I am unwanted.

Hey @sunnygirl606 @and @th967 😊

 

Yeah...I got my estimate ATAR today. It dropped quite a bit from when I last checked. It literally felt like all my energy got drained out of me. My student adviser was so sorry for me. Seeing her so pitiful for me....idek it made me feel hopeless. Wasn’t an easy day. I was running around, trying to get teachers to reference for my application. It’s hard to not think “what’s the point”, because my atar is far from what they need for a competitive application. But yeah...somehow I was just able to say “It’s a part of life” and yeah...weirdly moved on and didn’t dwell on it. It was defs exhausting @th967 😅 but I guess...I am getting stronger. I even got up to talking to my careers adviser, who said that post grad med would be a much better option - not only because my atar doesn’t exactly reach what’s required for undergrad...but just cause some people have found that doing post grad med is more beneficial and almost easier. 

@th967 @I am gonna visit her in two weeks time and try to talk to her about it. It’s hard cause no one around me knows really how I can move forward or how to improve when school is almost finished, which is of course completely fair. Just wished there was another way 😞

 

@sunnygirl606 naw thank you for that. That genuinely sounds great right about now. I have to get back into the groove of it all I guess 😇 and this is a perfect way to get started. I have no idea which way is forward to be honest...but I guess I will never know if I don’t start. Just...really really hoping something works out...idk if I have said that a lot...but I can’t even help it anymore 😆 all I can do now is hope and work as best I can...then just be done with it.