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I feel like I've ruined a beautiful relationship and it hurts not having a second chance

I need your opinion on this story. I started dating a guy in the beginning of December and at first the relationship was amazing. I was coming out of a very tough relationship where I was in love with someone who wasn’t, and who treated me like a piece of disposable shit towards the end, and I was not expecting to fall in love with someone else so soon but he came and took my heart by surprise. Everything became so great, so fast. I remember he and I telling each other that every single time we were together we felt on top of the world. I mean, everything, from the talking, the laughing, the looking in each other’s eyes, the doing things together or just staying in bed all day, the sex,… litterally every . single . thing . was truly amazing !
It was insanely great and we started saying ‘I love you’ three weeks in the relationship. A month into the relationship, we had a pretty set routine : saw each other almost every day, he slept over at least two or three times a week, on days we didn’t hang out we would call each other sometimes an hour to talk over the phone, we would text each other sweet things at least 4 or 5 times a day,… Everything was so great that we both felt like what we were living was unique, like our love was a super-strength and one day, he told me 'I will always love you, I've never said this to anyone before but I will love you forever.' I remember telling my best friend the next day that I now knew for sure who I would spend my life with. I was so happy, and we started telling each other our love would last forever often. We sometimes spoke of getting married, not in a concrete/'let's set a date' kind of way but because of religious purposes (he's jewish and I'm not), and he seemed open to idea of one day tying the knot. One day, we even told each other we were 'The One' for one another. It was such a damn fairy tale.
And then one day, we had a very serious conversation where I ended up telling him about how in a couple of years we were going to settle, how he and I were building something very serious and concrete and 'grown-up'. And for a week, he was distant, different. I ended up asking why and he told me that that conversation had scared him, that saying 'I love you' and being there for me had become scary since then because he knew that for me, it meant that he was in this relationship for life. And he said he couldn't promise me that. I said I understood, that it was logical that things could end all of a sudden and that I knew this, and he said that he was glad we had this conversation and that things could now go back to normal. But they didn't, they never did. I started wondering why his views had changed suddenly, why he never said 'I will always love you' anymore, why he had gone from being sure I was the one to not being sure, and I started fearing I would lose him all the time. And so everyday I started feeling insecure for the littlest things and seeing my fears in everything, and I would share these daily insecurities with him, and need to be reassured all the time.
It took a toll on him because he would take the time to tell me I was just going crazy and that he still loved me, but then the next day I would get another reason to be afraid. Obviously, the time we spent together was not as magical, as a consequence of the constant arguing. Which was a vicious cycle because I felt that we were becoming less close, growing more distant, and it made my fears become greater and it was just horrible. The spark was gone, there were still some good times but it wasn't as perfect as it used to be, even the sex was becoming spark-less, our conversations too. We just weren't happy together anymore.
And then, after a little more than three weeks of this, after another argument about something he had done that had made me feel insecure, he told me something had broken inside of him, that he wasn't as much into the relationship as before and also said: 'And anyways, I'm too young and I've given it some thought, I know I will be with other girls after you'. I was so shocked, destroyed, and said 'Alright, then it's over'. He tried to fight it but I told him that knowing this now, staying with him would hurt me. We hung up and then I started crying, realizing that maybe he had had been influenced in coming to this realization that I certainly wasn't the one because of the three weeks of crappy relationship we had had, and I also finally understood that the only thing that mattered was that I was crazy in love with him and wanted to live something beautiful and meaningful with him, to live in the moment.
I called him back to tell him this but he said it was too late to give me a second chance, and after pleading him he said he was going to take some time to think it over and give me a decision. So he took a week to think and when I saw him, I was ready to work on so many aspects of the relationship, ready to make all the efforts myself and I told him once again that all that mattered to me now was the love I had for him. After my speech, he just told me that things were over for him, that he had spent a week not having to worry about me, a week where he spent time doing things for himself and being carefree and that basically, he was better off without me. Also, that he didn't love me anymore.
I felt so hurt, and also guilty, like I a had ruined the most beautiful thing I had ever lived and like if he could only see what was inside of me, if he could give us and love a chance, we would surely get back to what we had because I had let go of all my insecurities once I had understood that love was stronger than everything.
It was terrible, it's been a month and a half and I still miss him, I feel like even though it's probably not going to last forever, we still have something amazing to live. But I understand that anything else is better than the girl I was for three weeks, than the last impression I left him with. any girl, even the thought of being alone, is better than the annoying girl I had become after that conversation… So I can understand why he wouldn't want to be with me, but I wish I could show him how much I have changed and grown from this, and how this almost logically means we could fall in love again and have what we had. I'm almost sure that although he does not want to come back, he's made that pretty clear, he's going to realize after a while that we truly had something and realize that I had to learn from my mistakes to get back into something a little more down-to-earth and realistic.
I feel like shit, I miss him, and it's like I'm waiting for him… I don't know what to do, please help?

Re: I feel like I've ruined a beautiful relationship and it hurts not having a second chance

Hello,

I resonate with a lot of what you've said, and due to that I really felt like I needed/wanted to comment, even if I'm not all that sure what I'm going to say or if it's going to be helpful.

I know that this is going to sound really hard, but maybe you two need a proper complete break from each other in a little bit.
While you may feel different and you can look back and feel like you know how to make things better, most people aren't going to believe us when we suddenly start saying that we'll be better. They need some time, some distance usually, and both of you need to sort of start afresh properly. Maybe you could set yourself a goal? Like not to interact with him for a week or a fortnight. Then keep increasing it for a while.
At some point you may realise that you didn't even consciously increase it. Anyway, regardless, the best time to restart trying to talk to him is a time when you've both been able to think and live away from each other a little and be okay with yourself.

I think that's really what you need to focus on right now too - being okay with yourself and living your life outside of him. Go immerse yourself in something that you were doing less with him, or that you always wanted to do. Carry on and be present in your life. It will help immensely.

Best case scenarios involve you two being able to speak again and go back to enjoying each other.
If a relationship on any capacity - be that a more casual friendship, a close friendship, or back into a relationship, is going to work you both need to let things naturally build back up to it. You can't really rush back into a relationship. I've been there. It's so easy to do, but it's not going to feel right. Both of you are still going to have hurt and worries in the back of your mind from the last relationship so make sure these are talked out before another one commences.

Also, please please remember that this is not on you. We all make mistakes, and he is a part of the reason why this relationship didn't work or why is won't work or why it just didn't work at this point in time. There's nothing that you alone can do to fix any of this as it absolutely isn't just about you making mistakes.

Re: I feel like I've ruined a beautiful relationship and it hurts not having a second chance

I have to agree with what @Birdeye has mentioned, there isn't much point in rushing back to talk to him, and that a break could give you time to think the situation over and clear your head a bit. If you do go back to discussing the relationship, be honest about what you went through, and talk about what you think would be best for both of you going forward.

If worst comes to worst and he isn't willing to talk to you at all, it might be best to move on. There is no point in trying to reconnect with someone who has given up on you, and you deserve someone who is willing to listen to you and work with you to improve a relationship

 

Here are some other resources that might help:

Conflict in relationships

Tips for communicating

All about breaking up

 

Hope this helps Smiley Happy

 

Re: I feel like I've ruined a beautiful relationship and it hurts not having a second chance

Hey @Leeloulove200,

I just wanted to say "Oh boy, I have so been there!" When something's been so good, it is so hard and heartbreaking when the other person says they don't want to try again after a split. I really feel for you.

I think the others have given some pretty good advice. It's ok to grieve for what you lost, whatever that might look like to you. Watch the saddest movie you can think of and cry into a tub of ice cream (either alone or with a friend you can be yourself with) or cut up a picture of him into a thousand pieces and flush it down the toilet, whatever feels like it lets you get out your feelings and then hopefully start to move on. It can take a while, but it's important to keep going with the rest of your life while you let your heart heal.

 

Best of luck!

blithe

 

Re: I feel like I've ruined a beautiful relationship and it hurts not having a second chance

Hello Birdeye and thank you for your reply! Yes it is so hard not being able to make the other person see how you've changed, especially when it seems so logical to me, when I feel like I've explained things to him so clearly and like it couldn't seem more obvious that things could and would get back to being great if only he gave me a second chance, now that I have understood so much.

What also hurts is feeling like he is hanging on to all the negative stuff in his mind, which is probably clouding his judgment since to him, I am the girl of the last three weeks before the breakup, the annoying, insecure, stressful girl, I feel like if he remembered how it was before, how he FELT before, it would change everything. But he is stuck on that last impression and probably thinks I would be the same if we tried again, and thinks that life is better without me. While I can understand why he would think that, it's hard not being able to be given a chance, just a try, a test, to see if it works out or not... Am I that terrible that just testing it out to see if giving our story a second go is a repulsive idea?

Yes, I'm trying the no contact thing at the moment. The only pb is that it's only been two weeks of NC and before that I sent messages trying to get him back which I knew were a terrible idea because it was certainly only pushing him further away, but I couldn't help myself...

I hope he realizes certain things during this NC period, and I do plan, after a month of NC, on sending a message just to tell him I'm doing good, that I've gotten over the breakup, just to try to begin a friendship. Of course, it will have to be sincere. Which is why in the meantime I really am trying to get over this breakup and so far I'm doing a pretty good job, especially these past few days! I'm seeing someone, nothing serious, but it's been helping. I'm feeling happy and though I miss him, I'm beginning to make my peace with the breakup. I hope when I will finally be totally fine with it, and when I will tell him, that he will finally see I've changed and give friendship a try, and maybe one day this friendship will blossom into more. Who knows, I'm trying to stay optimistic but not to count on a happy ending to much because that wouldn't be good for me either.

Re: I feel like I've ruined a beautiful relationship and it hurts not having a second chance

I'm very impressed that you've had no contact for so long already, you should be proud of yourself.
It's also really good that you're going out, meeting people, and generally getting on with your life.

I think you're doing good. It's difficult, but it's good.

When you do message him, maybe just start with a simple 'hi' or something rather than one message that immediately lays things out? See how the conversation goes first.

Things are going to be okay. I'm going through a similar thing right now, and we'll both get through this.
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Re: I feel like I've ruined a beautiful relationship and it hurts not having a second chance

I honestly think that if he was so quick to drop you that you should walk away. Long lasting relationships need to be able to endure conflict and insecurities. I don't think anything you have described is particularly negative, not bad enough for him to just drop you and fall out of love with you. Who cares if you were being 'annoying'? You were incredibly insecure at the time. I feel even if you got him back, he has all the power in the relationship now. He has already said he plans to be with other women after you. He has crushed you by telling you he isn't in love anymore. Maybe that's how he genuinely feels, still, if he wanted to make it work and truely loved you he would try to make it work with you and not make you feel so guilty for thinking your the one who ruined the relationship. It's a two way street. Please don't think you were too annoying to handle, as long as you wernt outright abusive then it's okay to be insecure sometimes especially if he's changed his behaviour becoming distant. In saying that I understand the horrible feeling of losing an amazing relationship with someone you not only love but could see a real future with. I know that mental space where you would do anything to have them back, where you blame yourself for everything that went wrong - easy to do when you're the one being rejected! What a horrible feeling to be rejected from the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with. How bleak life must look after experiencing such an intense love and the happiness and security that comes with that. Believe me I understand. I would implore you to please not let him get the better of you anymore and retain your dignity and show him that you are not at his fingertips that he doesn't have all the control. From what you've written YOU are the one who came back from that week break and was 100% ready to commit to working on the relationship AND yourself which shows that YOU are the one who is the real adult, is not running away from commitment, is sensible and selfless enough to look inwards and reflect on your own behaviour as well as being willing to do what it takes to work on the relationship. From what you've written it seems like he just wants to give up as soon as it's a little inconvenient for him. That doesn't sound like a long term partner to me that sounds like a boy who is running and self absorbed and probably doesn't realise how special it is what the two of you have, he may end up regretting it later when inevitably all his relationships turn out like this because he is unwilling to put the relationship or his partner first. I suppose he feels how he feels and you need to respect that. But for God's sake don't let him walk all over your heart and beg to be taken back. YOU are the one who is being an adult about this, sometimes boys take longer to process what's going on. By the time you've gotten over him and moved on because you are dealing your emotions in a healthy way, he will either still be in denial or start to process what he's lost and what he has done to lose it - was not prepared to be a grown up and tackle problems and love a woman who loves him. He has taken you for granted and you WILL find someone else who will love you with all their heart, even though it feels like he did, he only had so much to give because he is closed off emotionally and can't deal with a real relationship because it involves work and compromise and holding your partner's hand and yes, reassuring them when they are insecure. It's OK to be insecure! Being in love makes us so vulnerable emotionally. A well rounded adult ready for a real relationship knows this, which you clearly are and he clearly is not. The right person will come to you and when they do you will ready to receive them because you didn't demean yourself by pandering to that boy and because you are ready to really feel love, give love and work for love. People like you are hard to come by, trust me, you're destiny is not with this person. You have so much more to give than he does. All the best  ♥️