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I feel like a burden, I hate myself & am lonely

Im not sure why im here tbh but i have always had very low self esteem i was bullied as a kid and sometimes still am, my father was and is emotionally abusive (physically a few times but not serious) and I have always never been good enough no matter what the circumstance, most of the time i hate myself im a burden to the people around me and i cant talk to my friends about issues because i feel like they dont care and only want me around for comedic relief i even feel like this when i go see the school therapist and my psychologist. I am always angry and stressed and i take it out on other around me and im a horrid person and everyone would be better off if I wasnt around them im a burden in every sense of the word and often think what is the point in living or doing anything, one day we will die and everything we have ever done, said or thought will cease to exist (im not suicidal). I went through a rough patch for a few months and got diagnosed with depression by my GP but it went away after a few months and the psychologist doesn't think im actually depressed, my depression comes and goes i'll be fine for a week or a month and then boom all of a sudden im depressed i hate myself even more and i cant stop crying and hating myself, this lasts from a few hours to days and it comes and goes sometimes it happens days in a row for a few hours and my physiologist wants me to try and be more positive and show myself compassion but i cant do it and i dont deserve it and iv tried but i have spent so long hating myself that i cant do anything about it i can try but its not going to work and i find all that i love myself and cheesy be positive stuff to be rubbish and I cant do it. For years everyones been telling me to be positive but i cant do it it just isnt me. I also have extra life stress and body issues after realising i might be transgender and am in the process of transitioning. I have also been having some symptoms that my doctor believes may be anxiety, im just sitting in class, or eating at home or at lunch at school or in my room and all of a sudden it feels like someone is choking me or has their hand tight around my throat i know logically i can breathe but it is unpleasant and everything up head,neck etc gets tight and uncomfortable and i sometimes feel nauseous and worried.I dont know what is going on and i dont like it.

Re: I feel like a burden, I hate myself & am lonely

Hey @Alec29, welcome to the RO community - thanks so much for sharing your story.

 

Hmm I totally feel for you, it sounds like you're going through what may be one of the most challenging times of your life all whilst trying to transition as well as complete school.

 

I hope it helps you to know that you're not alone, you will soon discover a lot of the RO community have dealt with many of the things you are going through and I am confident the crew here will be a great resource for you. Bullying succckkksss, I got bullied heaps too during school, but was also the class clown so it was an odd experience (I can relate to peers just wanting a laugh from you though, and not taking you seriously - frustrating!).

And yes you're not wrong bullying happens across all of life but as we get older we become more resilient in dealing with it as well as the fact that globally it's slowly becoming more unacceptable as a society. I wanted to check  in re: your Dad hurting you - do you feel safe now? A few of the people on RO have tried 1800 RESPECT and have found that's helped them with physically and emotionally abusive parents.

 
Also I do not believe you are a burden, I know it's easy to feel that way, but imagine a world where you get on top of all of these problems you're facing (which I believe is totally achievable for you!), and then are able to provide other people who are struggling support and empathy, from your lived experience Smiley Happy

I am wondering, is there anyone in your circle that you trust or respect, or someone you really feel confident will listen to you?

 

Look forward to hearing from you. 

Re: I feel like a burden, I hate myself & am lonely

@May_ what are your thoughts on this situation? You always have a wonderful perspective on hardship. Smiley Happy

Re: I feel like a burden, I hate myself & am lonely

Welcome to the RO community, @Alec29 !!

I too was bullied quite a bit during school, and geez it wasn't fun. Waking up knowing you have to go... :/ One thing I did was -- because I never really used to sit near anyone, always kind of isolated myself, but I did have a couple mates in classes and what not -- I ended up chatting to one of my mates one night, asking if I can just chill with them for lunch that day, just so I wasn't alone, and my mates just kinda chilled, keeping an eye out for the bullies. But approaching my mate and asking that actually help develop a nice bond between us, and we've been friends 7 years at the start of next year, so I definitely got something out of it.

I know quite a bit about having the buildup of anger and stress -- I'm not one to really release emotion much, so I was much the same in that case, but one thing I started doing was writing, sketching and what not, it worked quite well, as you can express emotions quite well in forms of art.

About the fact you may be a transgender, I'm proud of you, because really, not many people actually admit or face it. There's honestly nothing wrong with it! You are still you! -- One of my mates didn't feel right for quite a while, and then found out they were actually transgender too, and they started to transition across, and in all honesty, when open to yourself, you can be much happier.

You're not a burden for anything you may be going through, it's all just part of the process of helping you realise who you truly are, and from what I can tell, you do seem like quite an amazing and honest person. We're only human, right? No need to stress x

Hopefully will hear back from you soon, and I really loved @Bree-RO's input too ^_^ -- Hopefully we can work with you and help you out as well ^_^

Re: I feel like a burden, I hate myself & am lonely

@Alec29 it sounds like you are going through such an incredibly tough time Smiley Sad thanks for reaching out to us here on the forums.

Your story resonated a lot with me - although I often encourage others to be positive I struggle to really believe it is possible for me to achieve "positivity" when I have had negative thoughts for so long. But we do need to remind ourselves that although some people might be damn good actors - everyone suffers from negativity at times.

Do you ever have moments when you don't hate yourself?

Re: I feel like a burden, I hate myself & am lonely

I know were your coming from I've been there still am, this might sound chessy and kinda lame but

your not alone

 

Hope this helps

Re: I feel like a burden, I hate myself & am lonely

Hey @Alec29 and welcome to ReachOut. 

Bullying is a terrible thing and I'm sorry that it has happened to you. Do you have anyone close to you like a family member or friend that you could talk to about how you're feeling?
Transitioning can be a difficult time, do you have anyone that you can talk to about your experiences during transitioning? Here is a list of LGBTIQ services in each state that you might find helpful. I understand how you're feeling around anxiety. I often get a tightness in my chest that leaves me struggling to breathe. Have you ever heard of Smiling Mind before? It's a meditation app that helps to guide you through breathing exercises. Here is a link to a thread with some relaxing mental health apps, some of them can be very relaxing and helpful to get through moments when you might be feeling anxious. 

Are you feeling any better today?

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