I feel stuck
I feel stuck, like there's nothing that can help and no way for me to be ok, and that makes me feel scared and desperate and frustrated and angry. I'm struggling to deal with it. I don't know what to do.
I've spent a large portion of today doing 'self care'/ distraction stuff (it's my first day off in a while). Thoughts just keep getting stronger and they're true so I don't want to just try and ignore them by doing other stuff anymore, it feels like accepting things will never be good and sinking into a life of resignation/ trying to become numb to it.
I tried texting lifeline, then stopped because it wan't helping which was just making me more frustrated (don't know why I even try anymore, I hardly ever have positive experiences with lifeline).
I miss my kids helpline counselor, I usually found talking to them helpful. They were someone I could always talk to (when they were available, at least) about anything going on and they would always care and want to help, and that was enough to be helpful. Then they left, and I've been speaking to a new counselor,but it's just not helping at all and that enhances the stuck, frustrated, hopeless, angry feelings every time I try, even though I know she's trying. I don't know why it's not helping. But that means calling them will probably make things worse. With my old counselor when I called and spoke to other counselors as one offs they usually helped, that doesn't seem to be the case anymore either...
Professional helps overall been really damaging to me, so it's so not worth the risk trying that again.
Does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do next?
Re: I feel stuck
hey @hellofriend i'm sorry to hear things have been so heavy for you lately, i understand that sometimes just distracting yourself isn't quite enough to keep bad thoughts from circling in but seriously good on you for trying to take time to practice self-care
That's so unfortunate about your KHL counsellor, it can be so hard to open up to sometime and establish that trusting relationship and then have to start over, it's totally understandable that it's adding to your feelings of being trapped right now, i'm sending a massive virtual hug your way I'm sorry that professional help hasn't been helping
I was wondering if you'd ever tried headspace's online/phone services before? As an alternative to the others?
I can hear just how frustrated and hopeless what's going on has been making you feel, it sounds really really painful Would it be helpful for you to talk to someone close to you about what you're experiencing?
Thinking of you xx
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Re: I feel stuck
Hi @hellofriend! That sounds really tough. Well done for trying the self care and distraction stuff even though it didn't work out. It is still useful to figure out what helps and what doesn't.
I'm sorry about your experiences with Lifeline and Kids Helpline. It can be really hard when we make ourselves vulnerable and open ourselves up to professional help only for it to not work out. Professionals are only human and don't get it right all the time. I wonder if your new Kids Helpline counsellor is open to you telling her what you find helpful and what you don't find helpful. Are you able to tell her that you would like to speak to someone else? I think it probably won't hurt her feelings. I think it would also be a good idea to name one positive you get out of each session, so that you don't find yourself dwelling on your negative feelings. There are also a lot of self help resources you can try that aim to teach you ways of coping with negative thoughts such as Moodgym.
I think @ecla34's suggestions are really helpful. Hang in there!
Re: I feel stuck
Thanks guys those messages were really lovely
@ecla34 I haven't tried headspaces online/ phone services before. I'm a little scared of them so haven't really looked into them much at all. I had a not great experience with headspace in person, and having been to their centres/ knowing there are lots around makes them seem less safe with online/ phone stuff... like they could find me/ track me down/ there'd be obligations to keep doing it even if it wasn't helping. I know that's probably not the case though. But then I tell myself there's no reason it'd be any better than the other phone/ online services. And I once heard of someone having a bad experience with them and haven't heard of anyone having good experiences with them). That's probably TMI, and also not really good enough reasons, it might be worth trying (or at least going to the webpage and reading about), so I guess I'll see. There have been a couple of times recently when it's been really bad I've spoken to my husband about this stuff, and it's been a little helpful. I don't want to overload him though.
@WheresMySquishy I might ask her about changing counselors. Sounds hella awkward though. I do like her as a person from what I know (we had one conversation that was just chatting to ease into things and I felt good after that, I was reassured because she was lovely so I thought working with her would be good). But then none of our actual counseling sessions have helped at all so I've felt worse after every one, even though I don't know why it's not helping. I'm thinking it might be the commitment of having her as my counselor before speaking to her/ having positive counseling experiences, and that I might be more likely to have success with KHL if I just go to not having a counselor and call when I need to, and then if it doesn't help there's less consequences because I can just talk to someone else next time, and if I do find someone that helped I can ask for them again, and maybe after that happening a few times there's more to base a commitment off. It's a bit scary. But the alternative's giving up on KHL altogether, and I probably prefer this? Do you think that's an unoffensive enough way of reasoning it if I said that to her?
A lot of the self help stuff I find hard to engage with because it seems to be saying 'the problems aren't real or serious. you've just gotta breathe/ notice the senses you're experiencing/ tell yourself what you're thinking is wrong/ colour/ some other simple or obvious thing and it'll be fixed. it's your fault you're feeling the way you are, you're just not doing things better humans do instinctively and you're making a big deal over nothing.' (Maybe there's more to it than that. I hope it helps people without making them feel ashamed. My views are quite possibly warped and I don't encourage anyone to adopt them, especially if that stuff helps them. Please be gentle if you're telling me those views make you angry though, I am fragile)
Re: I feel stuck
@hellofriend I don't know how she would feel, but I wouldn't feel offended myself if I were in that position and someone told me that something wasn't helping or that you wanted to change how you used the service. Sometimes, things just don't work out, no matter how nice the counsellor is. I think we really have to click with the counsellor or psychologist in order to give the sessions the best chance of being helpful. I hope it all goes well if you do end up bringing it up with her.
I get what you mean about some of the self help stuff. I find that I often felt better when I didn't think of problems as being my fault. I think there are factors outside of our hands that can sometimes cause issues for us. We can't control everything that happens to us. It's the way that we respond to them that matters. A lot of people get anxious about things that are a very real possibility, even if there's a slim chance of them happening. Many years ago, I experienced a home invasion/burglary while I was at home at the time. Thankfully, no one was hurt and it's never happened again, but for many years we were really paranoid that it would happen again. I guess our anxiety about it helped us take steps to try and prevent it from happening again and keep us safe, so it was useful in a way. But when anxious thoughts tend to dominate everyday life and affect our ability to function, that's when changing them can be helpful. In the end though, only we can help ourselves. Apps can just give us the tools to do so. People are always developing and updating self help tools so I think it's a good idea to not discount them as options completely. I keep checking to see if there are any new ones that would interest me.
I hope that you can feel better soon
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