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I feel useless.

It's not so much about me as it is my grade at highschool.

 

It's one of those schools where the popular bitches have to have a scape-goat, some poor kid who has to be teased and bitched about or else.

 

One of my friends has become that scape-goat. She has social anxiety and she isn't the thinnest girl on earth, and now these three girls are making her life hell.

 

If she doesn't come to school, they joke about her weight and her anxiety.
 If she doesn't want to talk, they do it then too.

 

But, heres the worst bit, I don't stop it.

 

If I was to stop it, I would be excluded and I would become the scapegoat too. I'm a coward and I'm letting a friend suffer because I don't want to be teased, I don't want my life to be hell.

 

Lately they have been pretty rough on me too, but we remain friends. I don't think I could stop them even if I tried and the teachers never do anything, especially at my school.

 

So I'm useless.

 

If I do something, my life will be awful too, but then if I don't I have to live with the fact that I'm contributing. If I don't join in they tease me too, so I tease her as well so they'll leave me alone.

 

I'm a lousy friend.

Re: I feel useless.

Hi,

 

I still have chills when thinking about highschool and I am glad it is over.

the constant need for social interraction there is something that is very difficult to rise above and even when you do you are often hurt by seeing the pain of those who don't.

 

I understand that it is difficult for you to condone this treatment and I acknowledge the difficulty you face but from what I have gathered from what you have written you already seem to be feeling bad about the situation and perhaps your life is already this 'hell' you describe.

 

I personally would emplore you to stop worrying about the opinions of people who are bullying your friend because if they cannot accept someone for who they are I doubt that you will have a strong relationship to them if their actions are causing you so much stress.

 

Be the better person and take pride in doing what you feel is the right thing.

 

as Eleanor Roosevelt once said: "Do what you feel to be right in your heart; you'll be critisised anyway."

 

I hope that that this helps you. You don't have to follow my advice if you don't want to as I doubt I can fully grasp your situaition from reading just one article you have posted but I do sincerely wish you all the best in overcoming this predicament.

 

Benny C

Re: I feel useless.

I love this strategy: Get your friend to close their eyes and imagine that she says" yeah, and your point is?" to the bullies then shrugging her shoulders and walking away. An eyebrow raiser works brilliantly too. Actually doing it feels even better.  Works for you too. You do that, the power returns to you! They aren't worth your time or worry! Smiley Happy 

Re: I feel useless.

Hey LivH,

 

You know what? Your post is probably the most honest and honorable message on these boards I have seen in the couple of months I've been hanging out here. And I really mean that. There is a lot of talk in the media these days about bullying in schools and how bad it is - but your perspective is unique on that is represents the 'silent majority' that we rarely hear about. It is not just about the insecure but confident bully, or about the poor victim who get preyed on and has their life made an unnecessary misery. It is also about the rest of us in between who do our best to 'fly under the radar' and not do anything about it out of fear of being bullied ourselves. 

 

We all see the high school movies where the main character is a bit of a nerd (but is always somehow inexplicably REALLY good looking), but manages to stick her/his finger up to the bullies and stand by thier motley crew of nerds, goths, gays and fat kids that are his/her REAL friends. And while we all wish we were that person, it just isn't that easy in reality. It is so hard to stand up to bullies at school (and believe me, it can be hard after school as well), as if you stand by your friends, you know you are gonna cop it as well. 

 

So I am not going to tell you to just summons the guts to stand up for your friend and tell the bullies to get a life... if it were that easy you would have done it already. What I will tell you is this... when I look back on my time at school, I don't think about the cool kids that ruled the roost and wonder why I wasn't one of them. I don't think about them at all, because after school you realise you don't have to hang out with them or be nice to them to stay out of trouble. What I do think about is the fact that the people I am friends with now are the unusual, unconventional and truthful people who got picked on at school for being themselves. And I do think how silly I was for not standing up for them - because as much as the popular bitches might attack you for sticking up for your friend, you wont care about them in a few months or a couple of years time. But your friend will always remember it if you stand by her now... and chance are you will both be laughing about those nasty chicks and how insignificant they turned out to be in years to come.

 

So hang in there, don't be hard on yourself, as you are just being honest about a dilemma we all face. But if you can pluck up the courage to at least be there for your friend, if not directly stick up for her, I swear you will never regret it.

 

Stay gold, let us know how you get on, and be sure to hang out here whenever you feel like it - we like your style.

 

PS. Nice old skool Eleanor Roosevelt quote Benny C. It's very true. 

 

PSS. BennyC - are we related? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Re: I feel useless.

You and your friend - the current 'scapegoat', are you friends/in the same social group as these three? It sounds like it, if so, have the two of you thought about changing friends/social groups?

It may sound hard but throughout my last five years of high-school the social groups have been changing. It sounds like you have friends that aren't these girls so are you able to enhance those friendships?

You mention that you remain friends, yet you don't actually refer to them as your friends and talk about exclusion; are you worried about exclusion from these girls because they are your group or are you worried about exclusion from the whole grade/year level?

 

If you're a part of a different group and you don't feel that you can stand up to them then the best thing you can do is to be a friend for her and everyone else in your group. The better you feel around your friends the easier it is to deal with the bullies. If you can make her day just that little bit better by not being another thing that provokes her then you're being a big use to her. 

I think the big thing you need to do is to figure out how you can stop taking part in the actual teasing. Every person that contributes gives them more power.

Re: I feel useless.

Thank you so much.

 

If you really analyse these people, it's their confidence that stops us all from turning to them or stopping them.

 

Good old Eleanor is right, they'll criticise me anyway. I'd rather know that I was teased for being a good friend, than teased for being a weakling that they think they can overpower.

 

Smiley Happy

 

Re: I feel useless.

Honestly, I will try. Smiley Happy

 

Thank you for the wonderful support, I suppose I'm luckier than previous generations because I can simply type a few words and the advice comes. I haven't any clue as to how my parents got through high school with these thoughts bottled up.

 

I suppose the light at the end of the tunnel is leaving highschool, entering the world and leaving the hierarchy of high school.

 

Thank you again Smiley Happy

Re: I feel useless.

The idea of moving groups is an inviting one, and I am considering it.

 

Thank you so much Smiley Happy

Re: I feel useless.

Great thread LivH - I'm sure it will help a lot of people who read the forums but are a bit shy to post - so thanks for kicking it off! Be sure to come back and share any tips with us.

Good luck with your situation - you're a good friend to come and seek support Smiley Happy

Re: I feel useless.

I think you're a great friend LivH, you know that there's a problem there and you're looking for advice on how you can try and ease the suffering a little.

Everyone here has given great advice, but at the end of the day I always ask myself. Do I really care what those girls think? No...because they're burdened with their own insecurities and I'm sure they wouldn't pick on you if they weren't in their little pack either.

Cheers...and keep us posted!