I hate me...
http://25.media.tumblr.com/caefbd05ff10d78c2fa1edee50d15218/tumblr_miz32uuEwG1qgs775o1_1280.jpg
My thigh body art for tonight. It came out and I thought I should share it in the hope it will make me feel less shitty about everything.
My second year of uni starts in less then two days and I’m less then interested. In fact I’m starting to feel pretty depressed about the whole situation. I have no interest in seeing my classmates, in fact I just don’t care. I think it might be because I tried so hard to get to know them all last semester and it seemed pointless.
I’ve come back from being in a good place after going to that spirituality gathering and feel like I have nothing in common with anyone. Which is really not true. But there are better things for me to do then go get wasted and high on whatever’s lying around. I’m not damn interested. It’s so materialistic and in fact verges on boredom for me. If I’m being honest I’ve never done either of those (just what I’ve noticed from acquaintances in the last few months), in fact I’ve not done a lot of things. Sometimes I feel like I am too bloody innocent for my own damn good and it really pisses me off. Then I ask myself, why do I care? Because at the end of the day if I really look into the depths of my soul, I don’t mind, my ego minds sometimes and the rest of the world who judges me minds.
Anyway, after seeing my therapist today I feel worse, not better about myself and I think it’s because she made me realise that I’m going into this with a really bitter attitude, so how on earth am I going to expect myself to enjoy this semester and get through it.
The self loathing I have for myself is rearing it’s head a little more often of late as well. Ironically my therapist asked me to set a goal for myself this year, which is 'self acceptance'...failing!
*let’s out a deep sigh* Okay, I do actually feel better after letting that all out. I’m going to have a bath and I’m going to enjoy it.
Comments
Hey,
did you see what you did to your frigging thigh!
thats Awesome!
Don't hate your self,
im sure somebody on this world loves you, and if even one person can smile at you then can't you smile to.
everybody hates something about themselves,
and even if you hate everything,
try to think about those who care about you,
think about how much pain they go through seeing you suffer.
If i were you i'd try to make something to feel good about!
once a day you could do a good deed, help an old lady crossing the road.
pick up some litter. because at least then there is something about yourelf to be proud of.
and then try to accept the rest of yourself.
Never give up.
Hey sagira
You know amongst the Youth Ambassadors that uses the forums, some of us got confused thinking you are also a YA! This is because you are on the forums so often helping other users. It shows you DO CARE! It def shows you care about other people when they going through a tough time. All you need to do is put a little of that kindness into yourself too.
Hang in there with your therapist. It is good you know s/he really cares about you. You know that she too haven't given up on you and we haven't given up on you neither!
Stay strong, sagira!
D
Wow D...that really is kinda something. 
Thanks a bunch for your kind words, it was sort of what I really needed to hear tonight. And yes I need to apply it to myself, it's a lot more difficult to take your own advice sometimes.
I actually made myself a coping bank on Saturday, which I mentioned above somewhere. I couldn't focus in the slightest on uni work...and by the end of the day I felt like I not only made and did something for myself. But it's also practical. So when I do get in a crap mood and down on myself, I can pull something out of that jar and do whatever activity I wrote down.
This is a couple of the 25+. Thought I would share it as it might be helpful for someone else to try.
http://25.media.tumblr.com/73c592d98589cff8e097fa7ecc4c2708/tumblr_mje17ple6Z1qgs775o1_500.jpg
@_sagira_ wrote:
I actually made myself a coping bank on Saturday, which I mentioned above somewhere. I couldn't focus in the slightest on uni work...and by the end of the day I felt like I not only made and did something for myself. But it's also practical. So when I do get in a crap mood and down on myself, I can pull something out of that jar and do whatever activity I wrote down.
This is a couple of the 25+. Thought I would share it as it might be helpful for someone else to try.http://25.media.tumblr.com/73c592d98589cff8e097fa7ecc4c2708/tumblr_mje17ple6Z1qgs775o1_500.jpg
This is an awesome idea! I'm super impressed with this! I'm going to share this idea with a friend of mine who could really use it!
I wasn't feeling great last night and made myself a coping bank. I don't think I would have done anything like that if you hadn't posted about it Sagira so thank-you. It helped a lot in the moment, as well as right now and can hopefully continue to help me! 😄
I used to have a gift box which turned into mine. It was an odd mixture of perfume, photos, paper, pens, books, toys and cards from friends, but it worked- until Mum threw it out by accident. I didn't speak to her for a week! Need to make myself another one! Thanks for reminding me! 🙂
@birdeye Really glad to hear that making something practical for yourself helped you not only in the moment, but hopefully in the future too.
@Shadow That's a horribly story! I would be absolutely furious at my mother even believing she had the right to throw anything of mine away. I know you said it was an accident, but still!! Yes, go make another. 🙂
If it certainly is then remind yourself of the reason's that it is.
Make an inspiration board if that helps.
Look back on the last semester and think of any of the good experiences. For each negative you're coming up with try to match it with a positive.
Could you come with some things that you'll be able to enjoy throughout the semester? It could be something simple and school related like an awesome looking piece of stationary, or completely unrelated to school but more life/reward based such as booking into some festivals/concerts/whatever. If you're up to it, a new hobby could help as well.
I had a goal like self acceptance for a while. When I did mine it certainly wasn't a SMART goal, is yours?
If you haven't already, it could helpful to break it down into the exact things/areas which you don't accept/like about yourself and work on them bit by bit.
Firstly, thank you to each of you. I really appreciate what you all had to say.
Secondly, I was on my way to yoga this morning and had a car accident. I’m fine, everyone’s fine…but my car isn’t and I'm quite annoyed about how it's going to muck me up in the next few weeks.
@ElleBelle
My therapist seemed genuinely concerned about my attitude towards not really caring about catching up with everyone in my degree and not going out. It’s mainly because I’ve only lived here for a year now and my social network is nowhere near me. Yes, I have made one super close friend (who’s in a different degree to me) and a few others. Ultimately at the end of the day I agree with you, I’m at uni to learn, but I know I need to interact with people, but I guess I don’t want to pour my heart and soul out to many, seeing as I’m going to leave as quickly as I came.
With the whole innocence thing, I can sometimes get overwhelmed with peoples generalised and expectations of each other.
Also, I thoroughly enjoyed my bath!!
@Myvo
I’m a mentor this year at uni, so I’m hoping I will meet some new people through that and a spirituality group is going to begin through a monk I spent some time with over the new year. So I’m hoping I will meet some more like-minded people. What I have found living where I am is that everyone already has friends; they’re not interested in making new ones. So that’s can make it somewhat difficult.
@graphiqual
I know that the thoughts I have aren’t helpful. Most of the time I can defuse them, but sometimes it can get really bad and I forget everything that I know and have learned!! And yes…you did help me.
Thanks for your positive attitude and suggestions. I’m not much of a positive affirmations type of girl. I’m more realistic. So if I look at it all realistically I know that I can’t change anything about going to uni, or the workload, but I can adjust my attitude to how I go in everyday. Reminding myself that this is the only moment I have has put me in a better mood. I’m actually better about it all today. At the end of the day if I choose not to talk to anyone, I’m the only one who will suffer…we will see how I go.
I came across this post on tumblr the other day called THE COPING BANK. I plan I doing one for myself. It’s basically about putting in all the things that will help you in a crisis, whether it be doing a mindfulness practice, or going and petting your pet. It’s actually a pretty practical tool and I can see it being very beneficial to me.
More info. on how to go about it, can be found here if anyone’s interested:
http://www.something-fishy.org/reach/copingbank.php
@birdeye
I haven’t thought about practicality at all and at the moment it’s definitely not a SMART goal, it’s something I haven’t even thought about. I think the best thing would be for me to sit down with my therapist and work out how I can make small milestones each week.
Sagira,
I totally admire you for your 'self-acceptance' goal, because I understand how hard that can be. I also think it's great that you've acknowledged that you need more self-acceptance because, from experience, being aware of that really is the first step. One of the things I've gotten into the habit of doing is consistently asking myself, what purpose does this thought have? Being aware of the way I think and how helpful or not helpful that is was the best way I found to becoming more self-accepting. Because I would then go on to ask, so what purpose do I serve by hating on myself so much? Why should I waste so much energy hating on the configuration of my own personality/body/face? When I saw that it was my own thoughts which were doing me the most harm, it became easier to control those thoughts and change them into more self-accepting ones.
By extension, that could be applied to attitudes towards uni; you've also stated that you know you're going into this with a bitter attitude, so why not try changing that into more positive attitude? Can you think of just ONE thing about this coming semester to look forward to? And if not, how about just trying to think of how you can make the most of something that you have to do. I think a new year and a new semester brings so many new opportunities, which can be incredibly exciting. How about joining a new club or two to meet some new people and give yourself something to enjoy and look forward to? You know that a bitter attitude is not beneficial to you, so let's try and do something to change that.
I also think it's great that you're not one for partying and getting wasted/high, it means you understand that there's no need to conform to what the rest of the world thinks you should be like. I'm definitely not the partying type either, and sometimes I think I'm too innocent as well, but at the end of the day, what does it matter what everyone else thinks? Their thoughts and whatever judgement can't hurt me and don't affect me, so I don't pay them any attention. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being different.
Hope that helped, at least a little.
Hi Sagira,
You're feeling out of it and frustrated. That's understandable.
Accepting yourself takes time and so does confidence. It's not something that can done straightaway but it is realistic to make it a goal. We'll never be entirely confident or accepting of ourselves - people who are, are either living in fear but overexert themselves or are somehow fortunate to have great self-assurance.
You could take a hobby - try something new, meet people who share the same interest and put yourself in a better mood. Even though you say you feel too darn innocent for your own good, there's no harm letting loose once in awhile.
You're not failing Sagira, you're growing. Self acceptance doesn't just happen overnight, it can be a lifelong journey for some of us. Some days will be better than others, but you're working on it and that's what is important.
I didn't make any friends at university. I was friendly with people I had to do group assignments with, but I didn't hang out with anyone outside of class. I went to uni to learn, and I had a social life and three part-time jobs so I didn't find it necessary to try and fit uni friends into that jigsaw. I was doing an Arts degree, so it wasn't like high school where you are confined with the same people for 8 hours every day. I saw most people for one hour a week in the silence of a lecture theatre, hardly enough to form a lasting friendship. For some people that social aspect of uni is important, for others (like me) it wasn't at all.
You know who you are, and that's more than a lot of people can say. If you don't care about getting wasted, that's not your innocence - that's just who you are. Not every young person has to live up to the party hard stereotype. You are allowed to be different, and it's what makes you awesome.
Enjoy your bath! Hope it takes the stress out of your day. You're a strong chick, we're all here for you!
