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I just want someone who understands.

(This is really long, I'm sorry)

Hi, so um I'm new, and I sort of just want someone who understands me/my situation, or can at least empathize in some way. 

 

A bit of backstory: 

I am three years into recovery for a nine year battle with EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified [it's called OSFED now]), and also three years clean, and I quit smoking (cigarettes) exactly 29 ago, so that's pretty great. I'm also diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder, PTSD, and Panic anxiety disorder. My parents are both functional alcoholics, and were extremely mentally and emotionally abusive towards my older brother and me. 

 

Right now, I feel like I'm sixteen all over again. I'm mad at everything. I'm mad at my family, my mother, my girlfriend, her family, money, rent, not being able to pay bills, work, lack of work, society, the world, anything and everything, it doesn't matter. I so angry all the time, and I try to hide it and control it, but I'm screaming inside. And when I'm not angry, i'm so unbearably anxious it's physically exhausting and painful. My insomnia is out of control. I want to go back on my medication, but I have no money to pay for it. No one in my life has money to help me pay for it. I need to see my therapist, but I can't afford that either. I need a second job, but I don't know if that would be good for my mental health. I'm driving myself crazy with all this. I'm pretty sure a lot of this boils down to my "mommy issues." Let me explain:

 

So, my Dad filed for divorce about five months ago, and it recently got finalized. Please don't offer sympathies on that because my brother and I have been begging my parents to divorce for fifteen years, I really couldn't be more thrilled. My Dad and I became really close through the process of the divorce; he started going to therapy, made a really big effort to cut back on his drinking, or at least not call me when he was drinking, and he opened up to me a lot, and I have starting forgiving him a little at a time. For the first time ever, not only was I unafraid of my dad, but I actually felt like he was a real Dad.

 

My mother and I became close while I was in recovery, up until about a year ago. She got sober just before I went into treatment, and that really bonded us, but she relapsed when I moved away in January. She did and said some pretty awful things to me, and has refused to seek help or treatment, and denied relapsing or responsiblility at all.

 

During the process of the divorce, a lot of really bad stuff came out about what my mom had done over the years, news to all of us. Lies she had told, relationships she had intentionally sabotaged, affairs, crimes, just so many things that I couldn't ignore and can't seem to forget. My mother is a very sick person; I think her alcoholism is merely a symptom of something much bigger. She has needed long term treatment and care for a very long time, but has and is refusing anything of the sort. I can't force her to get help. Unfortunately, I have lost hope that she will ever get help. We haven't spoken in five months, and if I'm being honest, I don't want to speak to her. After everything that came to light during the divorce, I realized that I honestly have know idea who my mother is. I question every good moment or memory I have with her, every word she every said, every single thing that ever happened. I hate myself for noticing it, but I was, for a very long time, very much like her. I don't really think I am anymore, I have changed and grown so much since I got into recovery. I am really proud of who I am now, but I am terrified every day that, as time goes on, I won't be able to break the cycle. I mean, everyone says it right? When you get older, you turn into your parent/parents. It's just how it works. I am so conflicted about what I feel/think towards her. Is she a bad person? I don't know. She's my mother, I'm not supposed to think that! I'm supposed to forgive her, but I have no idea how to forgive someone who I'm not sure I ever really knew. What I really want is an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind scenario, where I just wipe her off my memory. That would be awesome. 

 

Can anyone relate to this in any way at all? I have so many great persons in my life, and they are awesome and supportive, and do everything they can to help me, but not a single person can really empathize. I just want to know I'm not the only person who feels this conflicted about a parent/ parent figure. I just want to know that I'm not the only person who doesn't know if it's possible to forgive a parent for certain things. 

 

If you have advice, i'd love it so much, but honestly, I just want to feel less alone in this. 

Re: I just want someone who understands.

hey @tbirdd and welcome to reach out!

 

You've definitely been through a huge amount in your life. Way more than anyone deserves.

It sounds like your mum is a massive weight for you to bear and definitely a relationship you need lots of help with. It can be overwhelming when a parent behaves in a way that turns the dynamic of the relationship around. Rather than her having lots of patience and kindness for yiou, the child, you need to debvelop all these things for her.

It's really unfair.

is some info on managing conflict with a parent. I hope you find something in there that helps.

I hope this helps a little.

 

Smiley Happy

Re: I just want someone who understands.

Hey @tbirdd 

 

This is the Australian Reach Out.

 

Here is the American one. The main reason you might find the US better suited is that the services they refer to will be local for you.

 

Of course you are welcome here, we just want to make sure you're getting the absolute best support you can get. Smiley Happy

 

 

Re: I just want someone who understands.

Hey @tbirdd 

Im sorry to hear all the crap you have been through

While I cant say that I understand as I havent been through anything similar first hand, I can tell you that you are not alone. We are all here for support and Im sure a few of our members have been through something similar and could maybe shed some light on how they dealt with it

 

Forgiving family/parents for things they have done is a tough one.. I think a  lot of people forget that parents are people too.. If it was anyone else that did what they have, would you find it hard to forgive them? Would you maybe not care as much if you didnt forgive them? Should they be put on a pedistal or given unlimited chances because they are parents or should they have even graver consequences for doing whatever they did because they are parents? Forgiving (or some sort of closure) might be part of moving on, although I suppose there is a difference between understanding why people do what they do, forgiving them and not standing for being treated crappily.

 

(For fear or this turning into a rant.. )  I suppose only you can decide if you are able to forgive your parents, if you want to forgive them, what relationship you have with them from now on, what you will accept and reject from them etc.

 

As for the anger, have you ever spoken to anyone about the stresses you are going through that are making you so angry? As NigioC has mentioned, there is an American RO site (if you are from there) that might be best for resources round your area or are more suitable for you

 

We have heaps about anger here aswell if you want to have a read

 

 

 

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Re: I just want someone who understands.

@tbirdd you are not alone in this type of situation.  I'm am really sorry to hear of your experiences and understand how conflicting and helpless it can make you feel.  I have a few pieces of advise and will keep my post short.

 

Firstly, you mentioned you began to question your memories with your mother and the good times you have spent with her.  Please understand your mum is just a person and, as such, has both positive and negative qualities. Those moments were real for both you and her and are something to be cherrished. Her denial of her problem could well represent the shame and guilt she may be feeling - she just may not be able to verbalize how she feels so it comes out in an agressive and violent burst.

 

Secondly, and this is huge and something i want to stress, you are absolutely not destined to become your mother.  In fact, your experiences will give you understanding and allow you to be an excellent parent.  I truly believe that, given a sober mind, you have complete control over your behaviour.  I've seen victims of parental abuse grow into outstanding parents themselves - when I ask how this happened they all say they had learnt from their experiences and that it had made them a stronger, more loving, forgiving and empathic individual.

I would encourage you to be supportive of your parents but not invested - you have your own life to lead and are not responsible for them.  Don't abandon them but understand it is not your role to take care of them.

I truly hope things start to get better and you are not alone in this experience! let us know