My thoughts scare me. It's not just the psychotic ones like the last few days or the suicidal and self harm ones, it's everything. Like I don't want to be in my head. I don't want to think.
I went for a 2.5hr walk blasting music tonight just so I couldn't be in my head. It's like I'm trying to run away from myself.
And today I dissociated most of the day and when I came back I was scared. I started getting weird thoughts and I'm like I can't deal with this I need to run away.
I never know what's real and whats not and that's scary. Are my thoughts real or just the product of the aliens or the trauma or some outsider getting in my head. And if they are real why do I think them.
Why do I get fixated on death, why do I obsess about all the bad stuff from my past and possibly make up new things that happened and think it's real, why do I get paranoid, why do I obsess about everything being caused by the aliens in my head I believe in, why do I think bad things about myself, why do I fixate on harming myself and blood and pain, why do I think I'm stupid or worthless or pathetic.
And now I'm thinking about my thinking its I'm just like this is pathetic, your stupid your fat, stop attention seeking, stop making up problems, stop it.
=========================== Trying to make my misery just a piece of my history A little less victim a little more victory -Icon for Hire
Hey @redhead, not being able to recognise your reality sounds so intense. of course you would be feeling scared. You are honestly one of the most brave people I know
It's very easy to get caught up in asking all of those 'why' questions. It is all anyone ever wants answers to. I believe it's important to focus on what you are going to do (your actions), instead of why all of these things are happening to you. The truth is, you may never get a complete answer for your questions.
What you could ask yourself instead may be, "what can I do to look after myself?." or "what is my plan to manage this issue?" or "What helps me get in touch with reality?"
When you can't help having hurtful thoughts Mindfulness teaches us to observe our thoughts- they aren't our reality. They are just thoughts we need to notice, acknowledge and allow to pass. They do not define us, they do not give meaning to our reality, and we do not base our actions on them.
Try not to be so harsh on yourself Red, you need compassion and love, and you need to start by giving that to yourself, even if you don't believe it right now...
Hi @redhead thanks for your post. How do you feel now you have journalled this here?
This sounds like a completely overwhelming situation, and I really feel for you. As @TOM-RO said, you are so brave and strong. I noticed you mentioned that you were seeing your psychiatrist on Thursday - is this something you could bring up with them?
In the meantime, what's something you can do to ground yourself - I think the suggestion of mindfulness was wonderful, and I'm wondering if I could start you off with:
- 5 things you can see
- 5 things you can hear
- 5 things you can taste
- 5 things you can smell
- 5 things you can feel/touch
(the last 3 are more difficult than the others)
We're all here for you, and please keep us updated.