I need help
Well in all honesty, I have Asperger's Syndrome. I know it sounds stupid that I don't want to have this because everyone thinks it must be great to have but it isn't. I go to sleep at night wishing that when I dream it's actually me waking up from my nightmare of a life. But those few moments after I wake up I spend the next 5 minutes crying. Do you ever wake up and ask yourself why me? What did I ever do to deserve this? I would never ever admit any of this to my friends or if that's what I can even call them I don't feel as 'friendly' towards them as before. I know that my condition is a form of Autism and classified as a disability and my 'friends' make fun of people like that everyday is like I've overlived and they just laugh at people with down syndrome or torretts so I'm actually terrified to tell anyone. I'll be more of an outcast then I already am.. One thing I guess that I should mention is that I am fostered which means I don't live with my family because they gave me up and took on drugs yay not.. I know if I get sent away because it's my fault but there's a certain number of times you get sent away from a place you thought was home until you break down. I have so many problems it's not funny, I'm ugly, I'm fat, I have no friends or family and i'm left all alone in this cruel world. I don't get why my real parents could give up drugs for the rest of my siblings yet not for me. I am the only one who is fostered and it sucks. The whole world is against me i'm scared if I ask for help or just a friend it'll be taken as attention seeking. I just don't know how to deal with these unwanted feelings. So I'm a 15 year old is this normal?
Re: I need help
Welcome to ReachOut.com. It sucks to hear that everyone's been giving you a hard time. It's definitely not easy when people make you feel like an outsider by pointing out what they think is 'wrong' with you or make assumptions about who you are as a person. Having Asperger's is nothing to be ashamed of and people who do identify with it do go on to live normal healthy lives.
Is there anyone at school or in your local community that you can reach out to - like a school counsellor, a trusted teacher, or your local GP? They may have more insight and resources to help you through these tough times. Alternatively, if sitting face to face with someone isn't your go, you can also chat to the folks at Lifeline via Crisis Chat or eheadspace.
Stay strong and let us know how you go
Re: I need help
oh wow honey. That's quite a message. I know what its like to have a chronic illness & not wanting anyone knowing. (even though mine is quite obvious sometimes) I am just in shock & wanting to cry over your family\fostering issue. I don't live with my parents because my mom is a drug addict & my dad is an alcoholic. My grandma took me in when I was 6 weeks old & had me ever since. I'm an only child so I don't know what its like having brothers & sisters but I do however get the question 'why can't my mother & father looked after me instead of doing drugs & drinking alcohol all the damn time?'
Being a girl who has quite severe depression & has since she was 14, having feelings such as this is normal to me. It might not be for others. Being\feeling unwanted, yes you can feel that at your age & you can younger. Some people even feel it even if they ARE wanted. I know its hard right now. I truly do & I'm so sorry. I wish I can go through the screens & hug you.
I'd LOVE to be your friend. Shoulder to cry on even.
Re: I need help
Welcome to the community! I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time at the moment. I think pretty much everyone going through a tough time has times where they wonder why it's happening to them and if things are ever going to change, and crying is actually a health and completely ok way of letting out emotions. It's a shame you feel put down by friends who are not supportive of anyone they perceive to be different, the key word there being perception, what they perceive doesn't mean they're right or it's real. You certainly have plenty of friends on here and by the looks of it, you and @RubyTuesday19 are already growing a blossoming one, which is awesome!
Also, a general comment on feelings. I don't think there's such a thing as a "normal" feeling. Everyone's feelings are different and are equally as valid as everyone else's. It's ok to feel down some days, it's not wrong or "abnormal". Yes it really sucks sometimes to feel that way, but your feelings are there for a reason and are completely valid.
Also, asking for friends or help is by no means attention seeking. It can definitely be difficult, but everyone needs friends and help at times and you have every right to want that for yourself, and if the person you're talking to sees it as attention seeking, they're not worth your time. The people worth your time will see it as it is and accept and love you as you are.
Re: I need help
It's understandable to not want to have Asperger's, especially when you consider society's attitude to it - as you mentioned, even your friends make fun of people with disabilities. It doesn't sound like your friends are very understanding and supportive at all, and it seems like that would make it even harder to hang around with them and just be yourself.
It sounds like you've had a really tough time with foster care, too. Being in and out of different living places is certainly a challenge, and it can be hard to be separated from your birth family. I'm sorry to hear that you've had some terrible experiences in foster homes.
It sounds like you've been pretty tough so far! You've recognised that your friends maybe wouldn't be very accepting of you, and that you haven't had good luck with finding a good foster home. I know that there's a pretty strong community of people with Asperger's online, particularly on tumblr, who interact together and share experiences. It might be worth checking that out, or maybe you could find some other online communities full of people with similar experiences. Sometimes being able to chat to people who get it can make you feel so much better :-)
Do you think that your friends would maybe change their attitude if they realised that they were bothering you? Sometimes people are cruel with no idea how that might impact the people around them. If they're just mean people, though, you might feel better if you just don't spend time with them anymore! Hanging around people that make you feel terrified isn't the best feeling :-(
You've done so well to stay strong through everything you've been through! I totally reckon you can keep at it and find some sources of happiness in your life, even if it's just small things like a favourite song.
Re: I need help
Not much to add here but just wanna give you a hug.
Though I dont have the same condition as you but I get to ask myself the "why me" question many times. I live with chronic pain and there are now a lot of things in life I cannot do and also having pain all the time is... well lets not go there.
Im not sure if this video will help you but it helped me immensely.
Take care and sending you lots of love.
Re: I need help
It's not at all stupid to not want to have Asperger's Syndrome. Personally, I've haven't encountered anyone who thinks it's great to have it because I personally don't think so.
Have you checked out any of the links provided?
You've already had so many awesome responses, I just wanted to add that this is totally normal. Everyone goes through life a little differently, but that doesn't make it weird, only different.
Another thing I wanted to mention is that you aren't alone. A lot of people say that being online is terrible and talking to strangers online is dangerous, in some places, it can be, but you can also find support online, like here. There's always someone out there who is willing and ready to help you.
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