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I need my healer’s attention badly

I want to have a voice. I want to have some power in my voice as a ritual abuse victim.

 

I want to know that I matter. I want others to understand the weigh behind what I’ve gone through. I want others to not only look at someone else who looks like they’re worse than me.

 

It turns me off when I had no one to validate my own trauma history. It was also extreme. I want love. I was told that I was loved but I haven’t seen true love yet. I hope my wait is not pointless.

 

Those other victims got all the attention. I had none. They were validated again and again and I got none. They were loved again and again to be healed of their pain but I got none.

 

I don’t know why. This always reaffirm me as though I don’t matter. He said he loved me. How? I want to see actions. I’ve been more than faithful. I was ritualistically abused my entire life and got the perception of love twisted.

 

Loving this other victim is the same as loving me? I don’t know how to receive the care that I need, when it was directed to her instead. I never was having direct care.

 

Even after I’ve attempted suicide thrice and survived recently, she was still being taken care of and I never got the same care. In fact, I had none from him.

 

Why am I despised all the time? A man of sorrows? I’ve been abused enough and I got rejected of help. She kept smiling and being grateful for the help. I wished that I could smile by being helped also.

 

She is lifted up in my eyes. She made herself centre stage and I’m always in the background. I’m always the unknown, the unseen. Like a veil of the bride, I’m formless and invisible.

 

I’ve been humble. I believe the humble will be supported soon. The attention of him will be moving from her the older, L by initial and to me R, by initial the younger.