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I need to get this out

Hi everyone,

 

This is something I have alway's wanted to say, but never got the chance or did not know how to express it. I recently watched a tv show and it triggered me. I was seeing character who has similiar traits as me, such as trust issues and obessive issues. It got me thinking about all my fears and traumatic events I had gone through and how it has affected my life. I remember when I was younger and how I thought my life was going to go! I always thought I would experience teen love/relationship/girlfriend, close friends, a loving mum, graduating at high school and being happy. However, it turned out a hell of lot different!

 

It hurts me that in the morning I wake up and feel this emotional pain! How everytime I meet someone I find it hard to trust them! What it feels like going over every hurtful thing my mum has said to me! Over-anazyling every text or facebook message I get! Looking at myself at the mirror and seeing every flaw I have and trying to convince myself I am good enough. It just hurts so bad knowing my life isn't where I want to be. It also hurts not seeing the good I have done! I got my senior certificate at tafe, I have been at university, I volunteer, I have lost 30 kgs, I got my driver's licence, but I always see the negatives over the positives! 

 

I guess I get triggered ever day. It happens every time I see a couple and knowing that I have never experienced love and everytime I see a loving mum. It hurts me everytime I go out into the world, but I still go out into the world! I think it's taught me to never take things for granted, which I see a lot of people doing in this world. The biggest lesson it has taught me is that how beautiful and fragile life is! I think that's another reason why I want to help people, because no one should have to go through what I have been and go through in life! Thanks for letting me share and hopefully someone can relate.

 

 

Re: I need to get this out

Hey @GentleGiant it can be really tough seeing other people with the things that we want Smiley Sad it seems like through your tough times you have learnt some really valuable lessons and gained some very admirable traits like not taking things for granted, wanting to help others and resilience.

Those achievements really are huge. You said in another post that you were feeling positive about the new year - are you still feeling like that?

Also have you seen the forum about turning negative into positives? You seem to be doing that in this post here even if it doesn't feel like it - would trying it out be something you'd be interested in?
http://forums.au.reachout.com/t5/Something-s-not-right/Turning-Negatives-Into-Positives/td-p/1810

Re: I need to get this out

Hi May_,

 

My apologies for the late response. I am still postive about the new year, but I am still hurting from the past and it's painful. I guess without seeing my psychologist I am finding it hard to express/explain my feelings. My dad is good to talk to, but I often feel he doesn't fully understand. I have called lifeline and beyondblue and found it didn't really help me too much either. I don't know whether to feel sad or angry about the way I feel, because all this anger I have is directed at myself. I don't hate myself...I am just really frustrated! It feels like everyone else was meant to have happiness and peace! It hurts that I have let this trauma effect me. 

 

I have seen the turning the negatives into postive thread and I quite like it. I will probably post there soon. I guess I am glad I have here to post because I would be a lot more upset than I already am!  I am just finding it hard to feel normal and not like a alien. 

Re: I need to get this out

@GentleGiant no worries re late response Smiley Happy

Have you got an appointment lined up for when your psychologist comes back? Another option is Kids Help Line - not sure if you tried them?

Have you found any other way of releasing anger that could maybe shift it away from yourself?

Oh cool - looking forward to seeing your posts if you decide to post in the negatives into positives forum Smiley Happy