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I never want to feel this way.

I never want to feel anything, I only want to think breathe and have motor skills. I want the nothingness I have all day to consume me. Its either nothing or anger or sadness, I haven't seen happiness for a long time, but it doesn't really matter as long as I felt nothing. Nothing pretty much makes me not care about the fact I'm never happy. You can see me smile but is that really happiness? I can laugh at something genuinely funny, but I don't feel connected to that emotion to feel anything long term. Two hours ago I found sadness, and when sadness comes its heavy like I'm being held down by the world, this was because I missed my eheadspace appointment for like the bajillionth time, I got the email two hours earlier so I was like okay I wont forget, 4 hours later I realised I forgot about it, and do you know how it makes me feel to have been so stupid to forget this shit over and over, like an idiot. I was then watching youtube videos about ednos and eating disorder recovery stories, because I like seeing these girls grow as people and find happiness. But I realised that they didn't find this happiness until after their illness, so this makes me envious and sad, and I know how stupid this sounds that I've watched these girls who have shared their experiences and the consequences, but I still want to be them, losing weight now, only to hope that someone will help save me along the line and help me find this happiness. Hopefully finding myself along the line. Plus I don't understand why people don't care about people until their suicidal or about to commit suicide, which I don't want to do but its so annoying that these people are trying to save these people now which is good to do, but ignoring the ones who just need someone to talk to those you could save from entering those situations in the future, because no one should ever experience soo much pain that they want to die. That just makes me sad.

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Re: I never want to feel this way.

Hello endommage,

It may not be the same situation but I do have some idea of where you are coming from. But it's okay, but happiness is just a word. You can be happy but some people haven't found their real happiness, what really makes them happy. Just keep believing that it's out there, you'll find it. Don't worry about missing an eheadspace appointment, I have missed every single one of mine too. I feel stupid too that I missed another one, but remember that you can just go again. Or you call call any of the numbers from the yellow link at the top of the page. It's okay to be envious of these girls, and a little sad even, but it doesn't sound stupid. Do you have friends or family members to help support you? Perhaps even a counsellor? No one can really help you find happiness, it is something you will discover for yourself.

It's true, some people don't care about others until they feel suicidal but not everyone. There are people who do care about others when they feel down, before it gets too bad. There will always be bad people out there, but remember that there are always good people too, good people who can see someone suffering and try to help them before something bad happens. It is sad that people experience so much pain that they feel the need to die, no one should ever feel that much pain but without pain, we'll never learn how to avoid it in the future. For example, if you feel angry or sad or hurt at something, you can pull yourself up again and then you'll know what triggered it and learn new ways to help yourself. 

 

 

 

 

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Re: I never want to feel this way.

Hey endommage

 

Sorry to hear life is hard for you. I understand what you mean when someone is in so much pain that they would commit suicide. I also know people can be blind to other's suffering. I reasoned it maybe because they don't know what they are seeing so they don't offer help, or they see the suffering but don't know what to do to help. I know it may seem like everyone comes to their senses when you say you are feeling suicidal. But I don't think they cared less of you at other times.

 

Have you thought about other avenues for seeking help? It is great that you have eheadspace, but do you use Kids Helpline? They have an email counselling and online chat as well. Otherwise Lifeline has a great online chat with a short waiting time to connect to a counsellor. 

 

If you keep forgetting the appointments, try writing the appointments on a sticky note and place it next to your computer monitor. That always work as a reminder for me.

 

Come back and fill us in on how you go Smiley Happy

 

Doris

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Re: I never want to feel this way.

Hey endommage,

 

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this difficult time. It sounds to me like you're over feeling sad and angry. I was reminded of a quote when I read "I only want to think breathe and have motor skills"...

 

William Faulkner said “Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief” what this means to me is that not feeling anything is worse than struggling with negative emotions. Feeling nothing doesn't grow you as a person. Overcoming depression and anxiety turns us into compassionate, resourceful, resiliant people who understand other people's struggles. Maybe that's why you enjoy the YouTube clips of the girls who have overcome their eating disorders. Imagine how dull a clip wuld be if it was of some person who never went through anything and was exactly the same afterwards!

 

And I agree, there is often a lot of focus on people in extreme crisis but that's something that is so great about coming into ReachOut, it's a space full of people offering support for before the crisis hits.