cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 
Highlighted

I see myself

I see myself.

When I read the accounts of women,

'They thought I was just shy'

'Girls are supposed to be timid.'

I see myself.

Within not understanding the distinctions between what is socially acceptable

Asking classmates, 'Can I have that piece of paper?'

Because I needed that one for no other reason than I that I just did,

Even though they were all identical, in colour, size, shape.

I see myself.

Masking.

Screaming at my family that I wanted to die.

Because I had wrapped myself in so many layers of false identity, of being what I thought others wanted me to be that I had lost myself.

Trying to downplay it, telling them I was just emotional,

Still crying myself to sleep.

I see myself.

Feeling ill when I have to look at someone in the eyes,

Crying at sleepovers,

Having a meltdown during an interview

Being treated for social anxiety.

I see myself.

Feeling out of control,

needing structure and rigidity, 

In everything.

Being treated for an eating disorder.

I see myself.

Feeling ill with anxiety when people start to get too loud,

having a panic attack at the school disco when they used strobe lighting

desperately needing to run out of the classroom when the projector is too loud but too afraid to move and be seen.

I see myself.

In the experiences of autistic girls.

Those that weren't diagnosed till they were in their teens.

Those that never had their symptoms recognised.

Those that were stamped with social anxiety, anorexia, depression.

When all those things, 

stemmed from one, central thing.

And in reality, I have been screened for ASD, 

it came back as that I seem to meet the criteria, and should follow up with a diagnosis.

But my family and GP never did.

And I know it is only a label.

It will really make no difference to who I am, how my life is.

But looking at the experiences of other girls, hearing about them

I just can't help but cry.

Because I feel as if I'm looking at something that could've been written by me.

That I am being understood properly for the first time in my life.

And so yes, I wish I had a diagnosis 

Or at least attempted to try and get one (after all that is in a way the entire point, despite the way I feel, I don't know if I actually have autism, and so a part of the validity of my identity seems to be missing)

To find some sort of liberation.

To know why I find it so difficult to express my emotions that whenever I have to communicate my distress, I write it down rather than speak

To know why everyone I know seems to differ from me.

And I suppose the big issue is communicating this.

For any mention of my screening results seems to create an atmosphere of tension,

Although that may just be what I perceive

But nevertheless, it makes me uncomfortable

And I would be terrified to admit that this is what I want

For fear that people would reject what I had to say, call it unimportant, think that I was only looking for attention or just wanted to be 'quirky'

And yet,

I still search up the articles written by those girls,

Read their words,

And feel myself enveloped within their experiences and feelings,

Because although I don't know what to do,

It is impossible to look away,

When I so clearly see myself.  

 

 

Highlighted

Re: I see myself

This is really STRONG writing ❤️

Highlighted

Re: I see myself

Really beautiful writing @Blurryphaced, very relatable and well said. After reading through I felt a lot of emotions for you and the experiences that you have had in life. Thank you for sharing it as I know there are others who feel the same and will see themselves in your writing Heart I also wanted to say that it read as though in the past there have been times that you have wanted to die, just wanted to check in and see how you are feeling about life these days? 

Highlighted

Re: I see myself

This is really beautiful poetry @Blurryphaced
Highlighted

Re: I see myself

Thank you @Bre-RO  Smiley Happy I have not been having suicidal thoughts as late, however, I seem to be stuck in the emotions and thoughts as I previously mentioned. I don't know what it is, whether I feel lonely and that is why I have become so obsessed with reading the stories of others, to find some self-validation. It feels weird, but also sad, and sort of lifeless and draining I suppose, like I am confused to what I am and so I don't really feel like me?

Highlighted

Re: I see myself

Those are some really big things to be feeling @Blurryphaced I'm glad to hear you're not feeling suicidal at the moment but I can sense that you are going through a lot internally. Is it helping to read through other peoples stories? 

Highlighted

Re: I see myself

I don't know if it's making me feel better or worse. Even though I feel as if I am sharing their experiences, I fear that in reality I'm not like them, that because I don't have an official diagnosis my struggles aren't as valid, that I may just be being dramatic, that I'm no different to anybody else and everything I have experienced only exists inside my head. And it makes me feel hopeless because I don't know what to do about it and disconnected because I don't know how to express it. I think a sufficient analogy would be being trapped underwater by a layer of ice, and watching people above who are able to breathe. 

Highlighted

Re: I see myself

Hi @Blurryphaced, it really sucks that all of this is causing you to feel trapped. It must be so difficult to feel all of this at once. It may seem like it but please know that you aren't alone. I know a lot of people feel like they aren't allowed to identify with particular experiences if they haven't been diagnosed. You don't need a diagnosis to identify with experiences that other people have had. For some people, having a diagnosis can give them 'validation' for their struggles which can feel somewhat reassuring. While others choose to focus on what they are experiencing regardless of whether they have a diagnosis or not. Is getting a diagnosis something you would like to try to do?

I imagine this must weigh on your mind a lot. I am wondering if you chat to anyone who makes you feel supported? Heart
Highlighted

Re: I see myself

Hi @Taylor-RO 

 

I have wanted to try for some time, especially because I move away to university next year and think I would really be saved a LOT of meltdowns and difficult emotions from some of the assistance it would provide me with, such as the possibility of being able to own an emotional support animal, as I have had a dog almost my entire life, and he has helped my mental health so much more than most of my (human) family. Even without that, I wish I knew just for knowings sake, to have clarity, to understand why my needs are different to those around me. I do meet with a psychologist for my anxiety, but I am scared to mention it to her and what she might think of me if I do. 

Highlighted

Re: I see myself

@Blurryphaced that makes sense that you're thinking about this more because you're moving away to uni next year. Its great that you're being so reflective about how you're feeling and what it might mean, the piece you wrote here the other day was so beautifully written and insightful Heart

Feeling the support of animals is definitely something a lot of people can relate to, animals can be so healing. And it would be so cool to have an emotional support animal. I know you said that you wouldn't feel totally comfortable speaking to your psychologist about these thoughts and feelings, is there maybe someone else you could talk about it with? 

I understand that having that clarity could be so valuable for you and i'm wondering if maybe speaking to a GP could be a way to get on that path? Maybe trying a different/new GP could help as well as you said above that your last one didn't follow up. Is seeing a new GP something you might be interested in trying?