I see no future. I hate myself.
I've never really been someone to talk about how I feel. I've always struggled with it. Lately though, the moods have been really bad. I can't seem to pick myself up. And I know I need to talk to some one but I really don't want to talk to someone I know. So I googled depression forums which is a really weird thing for me to do. I want to see a psychiatrist but don't know how to talk to my doctor. I feel like a stupid typical teenage girl following the trend of being depressed. That's not how it is but I guess that's what I'm worried he's going to think. All I ever do is worry about what people think. Sometimes I tell myself 'who actually cares about what people think' but the truth is all I ever do is worry about what everyone else thinks.
It's funny because I am such a confident person but I hate myself. Everything about myself. What I look like, my personality, my past, my present, my future...
So let's begin with that. My future. I always had it set in my mind that I would be a singer. I know, what a typical dream. But I love music and love to sing. Anyway, I always had it in my mind that I would try out for X Factor and you know go from there. I didn't make it past the first round which to be honest I wasn't even expecting to get past but it still seemed to hurt a lot. I just wanted to know whether I could sing or not and now I know that I can't and I feel kind of lost. I dreamt about it for so long. I studied after I graduated and got a job but I never thought it would be a permanent job for the rest of my life.I always imagined I''d work there and then pursuit singing. And now that didn't happen and I'm getting around 3 shifts a week with really bad pay and so much pressure to perform well and I just want to quit but I know I can't. I've been searching for jobs for a while but nothing seems to be popping up. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I just want money so I can travel. I just want to be happy but that seems to be a mission within itself.
It's been a good 9 months since I've self harmed. I think I've been suffering depression for 4 years. At the start I didn't however believe it was depression. I'd talk to my cousin though and he'd suggest it. I guess over the years with the people I've met and stories I've read, I've realized that I do have depression. And I've done nothing about it.
Last year, I did reach out to my mum. Now before I go on, I just want to say that my mother is the most important person in the world to me. I love her so much, so please don't judge her. Anyway, I told her I had depression and she didn't believe me. She told me to stop being silly and that I was fine. But things weren't fine and it had taken a very long time to admit it to her. I guess though, if you know me personally, I'm quite a bubbly, happy and friendly person. You wouldn't really guess all these feelings I feel underneath it all. How much I loath myself...Well mid year I got a job interview and I was freaking out because I had self harmed and I wasn't sure how I was going to hide it. So I talked to mum and she got mad and told me to never hurt myself again. Which to this day I haven't and I am proud, but it has been hard. And mum never really talks to me about it all. Which somehow it makes me sad, I wish that someone would just look at me and know that everything is not okay. I wish someone would check up on me and try and help but I feel so alone. I know that's my fault though, I don't let people in.
God I'm sorry for this being so long.
Sometimes I think, I have no future. Everyone goes on about how life isn't about money or jobs or experiences, it's about love. And I've never had it. To be honest, I feel like I never will. I mean, who is going to look at me. Sure, I have nice eyes. But I had a horrible body, cellulite legs. I go to the gym but I know I'm never going to have an amazing body. No one is ever going to love this.
Maybe my expectations are too high as well.
So all in all, I am unhappy with my career, unhappy with my look, unhappy with my love life, I have no future ahead of me. What plans has god got for me because I'm struggling to figure it out?
Funny I'm saying that, I feel like a hypocrite. Last year someone close to our family was suffering from breast cancer. She was getting rid of it naturally and we were visiting her in hospital one day. I wrote her a huge essay in a book that said something along the lines of 'God gives us hurdles in life to give us a challenge so that when we get through them it makes us stronger and happier.' She loved it a lot. Then she died a few months later. And we visited her at her house and she was skin and bones. Imagine the people overseas who have no food and die skinny. That was what she was like. I know her death hasn't caused my depression as I've had it before she was diagnosed but god does it still hurt to remember. So that was her challenge in life and unfortunately she was short of the hurdle.
Does this make my challenge in life depression? I feel like years have been wasted feeling like crap. I mean, I have had some pretty great moments in those years. But I have had quite a few fucking shit ones. And the majority of those are just from thoughts in my head that go round and round telling myself that I hate me. It's not like from traumatizing events, it's just from self hatred. And it goes on and on and on and on.
I don't know. This site was just something I saw because I need to find a psycologist or whatever and this was the closest I could find because I'm too afraid to go to the doctors. More because I'd have to ask my brother or dad for a lift and I really don't want to tell him about my depression. I guess I've stopped crying now. I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess I looked in the mirror today, hated what I saw and well you can understand how the rest of the feelings swallowed me whole. It eats me up, makes me feel like walls are caving in. Anyway, I think I should go. I won't kill myself, it's okay. I'll keep breathing in and out and just keep moving on with life step by step.
Re: I see no future. I hate myself.
Hi Veronica, welcome to Reach Out. I'm glad you found us, even if it's not something you would normally do.
Depression definitely isn't a trend, and the way you are feeling is real and valid. It took a lot of courage to open up to your mum and I'm so sorry she didn't believe you. Sometimes people have a stereotypical idea of what a depressed person looks like or acts like, and it can be hard for them to accept how depressed behaviour can vary from person to person. If you find you are experiencing some of the signs of depression listed here, you may have depression. There are many ways of treating depression, including self-help methods, but it's a good idea to see a doctor so you know what you're dealing with. If you have your own Medicare card you won't need your family to come with you, unless it's for transport, and they certainly don't need to come inside the doctor's office if it makes you feel uncomfortable. If you're not quite ready to take that step, you can always call Kid's Helpline (1800 55 1800) and speak to a counsellor. You can remain anonymous and they're available 24/7.
I was thinking about your dream of becoming a singer, and if music is your passion you should go for it! Don't let one rejection set you back, prove them wrong! Most singers aren't born with a perfect voice, they work at their technique with a vocal coach and practice all the time. Maybe you could treat yourself to a few lessons as a reward for seeing a doctor, or ask for them as a birthday present? You never know what's around the corner and if singing makes you happy you should sing whenever you can!
I hope you can stick around and check out some other areas of the forum and the site. There's lots of really helpful reading material and you'll find some great ways to work on your positivity and self-confidence. You're not alone, we're all here to listen and help however we can - and most of us know just how crappy depression can make you feel.
Re: I see no future. I hate myself.
First of all welcome to the forums and good on you for hopping on here. I don't know if you noticed but I have a very similarly titled post lingering in 'something's not right'. I completely get and understand where you're coming from, as I often feel that way about myself.
It's a shame that your Mum hasn't responded to you admitting you have depression very well. She obviously doesn't know how to handle or what to do with it, so she's swept it under the rug and pretending that you're fine and you will 'get over it'.
I can understand how you find it really confronting and anxious to go to your GP to see a psychiatrist. But you could see a psychologist or counsellor instead?
Mindspot are really great. You can do an online assessment and then a therapist will phone you back in a few days with your results and can suggest what steps you could take. They have programs that run every fortnight for about 10 weeks or something, where you work through modules online and each week a therapist will phone you and check up on your progress. They can even send through an assessment to your GP if you life (if you find it difficult to talk about)
Another alternative is going to places like https://www.eheadspace.org.au/ where you can speak to someone on the phone, online...or even drop into one of their centres and see a therapist there. Maybe you can speak to someone about how you don't know how about taking the next step in finding a consistent therapist.
Hopefully that helps you a little bit. Baby steps...
Re: I see no future. I hate myself.
Welcome to reach out. I think its great that you came across us today and allowed yourself to unpack some of your thoughts and feelings about what is going on with you. it sounds like you are trying avenues to seek some support, guidance and over all help- and i think reach out is a great place for you turn to.
Firstly, its great to hear you have goals, dreams and ambition about what you want in life. I think its amazing you had the confidence to try out for x-factor in the first place - doing something like that is an achievement in itself. Although you may not have gone as far as you had hoped with this... you can always try again or take away something from it. Did they give you any constructive feedback on your singing?? Also because you love singing so much have you thought about doing something else like participating in musicals etc? Often communities offer performing arts activities for community members to participate in. this may help you meet people with similiar interests, occupy some of your time and decrease you feeling lonely.
in regards to seeking some professional help i believe you could really benefit from this. Your general practitioner will not judge you for seeking a referral to a mental health clinician. In fact that is part of their job. Is there someone else who you could ask to take you to the doctor?? Considering you believe that you have shown signs or symptoms of depression for the last four years it is something worth addressing, rather than dismissing. You have given some insight into life events that may have contributed to these signs and symptoms as well. It can make an amazing difference to seek help now rather than later, as a professional can really assist in unpacking all these feelings and thoughts your are experiencing about yourself, as well as life in the bigger picture. Someone like this may just be the support you need.
Telling your mum was probably a good thing to do, however sometimes our expectations of loved ones is hard to judge. Sometimes people don't know how to react or what to say. As much as you want your loved ones to see that you are not feeling okay, they may not recognise your reality because of the happy, confident and bubbly person you portray. They are not exposed to your inner feelings and thoughts.
In regards to your final question - life is a challenge. Sometimes its getting out of bed, finishing an assessment, dealing with depression, working too hard, managing a relationship breakdown, lifting a heavier weight at the gym.... all these things are challenges. But challenges are manageable and our challenges throughout life change. So Veronica dont give up hope that your challenge wont change.... because with alittle help and support it may.
Let us know if you think of any way to see your gp for some further follow up.
Re: I see no future. I hate myself.
I'm glad you were able to find the forums and let some of your thoughts/feelings out.
I'm going to begin this with your singing ambition. Something that really stuck out for me here was that you auditioned for x factor. Okay, you may not have made it past the first round, but that you even auditioned is a major, major thing! Most people that have a dream like that don't make any sort of attempt, especially not ones that don't even like themselves!
You said that you wanted to pursue singing because you love music and love to sing, I see both of those as fantastic reasons to continue singing/musical pursuits as a hobby. While it's very unlikely that you'll end up with an awesome multi-million-dollar recording contract (it's unlikely for everybody not just you! Even those that win those talent shows like x factor!), if music is where you saw your future you can still develop it into a work prospect. eg. you could become a singing/music teacher.
And of course, just because it didn't work out on x factor doesn't mean it's never going to work. You could still become a singer, it just may require you to do it a different way - take singing lessons; participate in student concerts; learn other instruments; busk; get a band together; wrote your own music and put it up online; make covers of other peoples music online; perform at open nights; send off to record companies; join choirs etc.
Have you used a bit of the idea of an ideal to future to distract yourself from the present? The importance you placed on the future and your career of being a singer sounds to me like that's what you may have been doing. I may be completely off here though. If you think that sounds a bit true, perhaps it would be really good to start focusing on the present instead?
Instead of thinking where you'd like to be in 5, 10, 20 years, can you consider where you'd like to be now and what (realistic) things could happen/change to make you happier with the now?
I think you're worry of being seen as another teenager following the trend of depression is a common one, I don't think doctors and psychs so it the same way. How many of the people using the trendiness of depression do you think would go and speak to a gp or psych? Not many of the ones doing it to 'fit in', or who claim to be depressed because they have the odd off day or wear dark clothes would actually go and see someone or reach out for help. (Of course there are lots of people with depression and other completely real issues who haven't gone for help.)
It's also not up to your GP to decide whether or not your feelings a real enough to qualify for a psych appointment. You don't even have to explain to them all the reasons and feelings making you want to see someone, you just have to let them know that you want to see someone.
Right now, if going to a GP and psych is too big a step, you've been given some other great places to begin with. Baby steps as Sagira said.
Re: I see no future. I hate myself.
Firstly, recognising you need help and support is a first step that you should be proud of. I have experienced a very similar situation myself. Whenever I have problems, I'm not the type of person to talk to my friends or family about it. I tend to keep it to myself. I didn't like the idea of seeking help from a psychologist either because I felt intimidated. But finally I decided to make an appointment with a psychologist. To be honest, I found it quite uncomfortable but after a few sessions I began to ease a little. If after a few sessions you find you are still not comfortable with a particular psychologist or counsellor, seek another one. Sometimes it just takes a few psychologists/counsellors to find the right one. I am also one to think "what if's" about many things. But once you do it, it's not so bad. You have to realise that wherever you go, there will always be opinions. It's easier said than done, but if you don't worry about them, they won't matter to you. I was always one to see the worst of things, until recently, after experiencing such a terrible stage in life, I have realised that we can't dwell in the past forever because it won't change anything. Only look back to see the lessons to be learnt, otherwise look ahead. There are so much more to be thankful for. Let's be excited for what the future has for us! If you happen to use facebook, check out the page "Lessons Learned In Life". They have constant posts of inspirational messages. In fact, that page is the source of all my optimism!
If you have dreams that you want to achieve, have determination and go for them. Chasing your dreams won't always be a straight path, so you have to be prepared for challenges that may come your way. Remember, challenges are what makes you stronger in the end. Auditioning for XFactor is a step already. Although you didn't make it past the first round, the fact that you had the courage to audition is a great achievement in itself. There are so many successful people out there who have experienced countless struggles before becoming successful. They have made so many mistakes, which is part of the process. Without mistakes, no lessons will be learnt.
I know the feeling of having a set plan for the future and for it not to be fulfilled to how I planned. But I've learned to appreciate life for what it is. Sometimes it is out of our control, but we can always tweak it to suit us. Take life bit by bit and be open minded about things.
There are so many opinionated and judgemental people out there, but the fact of life is that they will alway be there. We have to ignore those type of people and surround ourselves with people who are optimistic. It would be good to seek help from a psychologist/counsellor who can better assist you. You may also start seeking books out there on life, and dealing with ups and downs of life. I personally have found comfort reading books about being optimistic and how we can turn our lives around with happiness.
I hope you can stick around and let us know how you are going
Re: I see no future. I hate myself.
Continue with your dream of singing no matter how many rejections you get.
Stop hating yourself. I didn't even hear about cellulite until I was twenty two and then I didn't care to think about it. I love myself because I talk kindly to myself most of the time. Sometimes, when I start to talk badly about myself, I remember I have to change my thinking.
It has been four years since I self harmed. I know it is not easy to stay positive when you are depressed. I know you didn't talk about the reasons you are depressed, for me it was eight years with thirteen deaths on my circle and no time to mourn a single one along with all the insecurities and trappings of my teenage years. Now ten years later I talk to people, I talk to friends, family, counselors. If when I talk to one person, they chastise me or don't help in whatever way, I tell the same story over again until I find the support I need.
It sounds like your cousin recognizes your depression, maybe his family is more susceptive to the idea, so maybe (and you can ask him before) you can open up to your aunt and uncle.
My dad is more supportive than my mom, maybe your dad is the same.
Don't worry so much about the future. All we have is the present. I am sure you can find a band, try something like posting an ad in the paper that says, "singer seeking band" or just talk to your peers. There are tons of people who have music as a passion
Be thankful for what you have, but if you feel it is not enough, keep looking for fulfillment. It took me a few years to save up my money, but when I did, I traveled to Germany. I thought about going to LA, but it was cheaper to go overseas. There are plenty of opportunities for young people, have you heard of youth hostiles? They are an inexpensive housing in foreign countries, they even have some in the USA. All over the world. Don't get discouraged. Nothing is instant. It takes time and effort to get where you want.
Good luck and keep your head up.
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