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I think I deserve to be depressed

I haven't been on for a while, I don't really feel as though I deserve help and support from anyone. In fact I want to drop out of therapy, because I'm usless and I think I'm wasting my psychologist's time. i guess I'm sort of scared she'll start hating me because I'm annoying and overbearing. Though I know if I asked her if I was annoying she would say no. I've seen psychologists before, but I'm still stuck with depression/mood swings and anxiety. I want to move somewhere. 

 

I have friends and family yet I still feel lonely. I feel so selfish, I have so much to be grateful of yet I'm looking for what's wrong in my life. I'm pathetic, and I think everyone would be better off without me, I don't want to be told think about how your friends and family would feel if you left, they would be so upset and all. But a huge part of me believes they won't have me dragging them down, i already feel like a disappointment to them. Or the fact kids are dying in hospitals (something my psychologists said in the last session), and I have a chance to live but they don't. So I should be ashamed of wanting to die so badly? I know they probably deserve to live more than I do anyways. 

 

Thanks for listening. 

 

Today sucks. My head feels like its burning and I want to sleep and cry. i'm pathetic. I know I probably don't deserve support. But it helped to get this out of my system. 

Re: I think I deserve to be depressed

Hi @Creativegirl12,

 

It seems as though things are really tough for you right now feeling like you might be a burden to your psychologists and not being able to connect with family and friends. It sounds as though you almost feel like something's missing in your life- is that what it's like?

 

I'm also curious to know more about what's happened to make you think you are wasting your psychologist's time? Sometimes it can be hard after working with a psychologist for a while, making progress and then suddenly you feel like things have gotten bad again.

 

I also noticed that you say you are wanting to die. Are these strong thoughts you have been having of suicide?

Remember there are services which can help you 24/7 in order to keep you safe:

Kids Helpline- 1800 55 1800

Lifeline- 13 11 14 

Re: I think I deserve to be depressed

Hey @Creativegirl12, I just want to start by saying that you're definitely not pathetic at all! I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a rough time at the moment and feel like you're don't deserve the help and support of others, but you are definitely more than deserving! Your psychologist cares about you and is there to help, so when you do go to them for support, you're not being a burden or overbearing at all!

 

You mentioned that you feel like you want to die, so I need to make sure you're safe tonight. Are you safe? If you don't think you are, could you please give either the Suicide Callback Service a call on 1300 659 467, Lifeline on 13 11 14, or emergency services on 000. And could you also let us know on here that you've called them so we know you've spoken to someone for help? You're sucha valued member of the RO community and we all really care about you.

 

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Re: I think I deserve to be depressed

hey @Creativegirl12

 

I personally believe that everyone deserves support. I dont think that there needs to be a 'criteria' for people to be valued. I think we are all valuable simply for existing.

 

Everyone is on there own little journey and doing the best they can do. So stick in there and keep working on the things that support you.

 

On that note, have there been times when you have felt like you deserved the support of others? From my perspective, its often the people that feel they dont deserve that may benefit from support the most. So people like me have an even stronger desire to help out Smiley Happy 

 

There a thing called state dependent memory - meaning that our memories to an extent get encoded into our brain with a state we are experiencing at that time like feeling bad. So when we feel bad, we might end up seeing a negatiely exaggerated view of the world, as positive memories are more strongly associated with a positive state and mood.  This may be one reason that things seem "all bad" at times. When really the good things are still there, they are just sortof 'hiding' from our conscious awarness. I thought this was a cool concept and wanted to share it with you (: 

 

its important to get lots of perspectives and views, so well done for taking the first step of posting and I hope you get more helpful responses

 

Re: I think I deserve to be depressed

Hi @Creativegirl12 it sounds like you're really not feeling worthy and like you're a fairlure?  Just before we go any further, personally I think you've made some awesome contributions to the Reachout community, you are such a valued member, and we really care about how you're going

 

Loneliness can be really horrible and such a hopeless feeling.  How long have you been feeling like this?  What was different about times when you felt better?

 

You're thoughts and feelings are definitely worthy of being heard.  What would you say to a friend if they said that they weren't worthy of help?  The ReachOut community will always have time for you

 

Also, according to lifeline, about 1000 people in Australia think about suicide everyday, so it is common and nothing to be ashamed about, and probably part of the human condition.  However, if you are feeling suicidal, call lifeline (13 11 14) or the suicide call back service (1300 659 467) - you're wellbeing is really important

 

You've mentioned that you want to move somewhere - this sounds really positive, and a change of scenery and lifestyle can be super beneficial! Where would you like to go?

 

All the best and let us know what's going on for you

Re: I think I deserve to be depressed

@OceanMaster1207 I feel likes somethings missing. I guess I feel as though I'm lazy and unmotivated. I don't know if I have what it takes to get better.

@moonwalk I called lifeline yesterday and spoke to a counsellor on the phone. I get a lot of suicidal thoughts, it's normal for me. I need to call helplines a lot. I'm so tired of feeling on the edge. I went to bed early. Was really tired.

@Troy I guess I do have a tendency to see the world are dark and dull when I'm depressed and bright and happy when I'm not.

@tsnyder I've felt lonely on and off for years. I'm used to it. I feel really lonely when I'm feeling depressed. I don't tend to feel so alone when I'm not, I guess I feel the urge to socialize more then too. But depression itself makes me feel so alone. I just want to feel better, more stable and more in control with my life.

Re: I think I deserve to be depressed

Hey @Creativegirl12!

 

If you feel like you need support, it's totally okay to ask for it, so definitely post ahead and seek it out. We're all here to support you and help you out when you need it. It's great that you are seeking out help from several sources, and that you spoke to a counsellor on the phone before. Like everyone has said, we all love seeing you around the forums, and we'll be here rooting for you.

 

It's good to see how aware you are of your socialising tendencies during your different moods. Have you thought about what else you do when you aren't feeling so down? There might be some potential self-care methods there.

Re: I think I deserve to be depressed

Good morning @Creativegirl12, thank you for replying

 

@safari93's idea of self-care methods was a really great idea! What has worked for you in the past when you feel depressed?

 

It seems like you feel frustrated, and that you to have more control over your life and your emotions?  When we get stuck in a pattern of behaviours, or stuck in the same environment for a while, emotions and thoughts can start to cycle and we can find ourselves in rut. Sometimes taking up a new activity (with new people in a new environment) can be really beneficial, especially one where you can meet others and give back.  What are some ways you could do this?  (For example, there are hobby groups, volunteer places, etc.)

Re: I think I deserve to be depressed

@Creativegirl12

 

Sometimes for me at least, when there is a negative mood, it can sortof turn into a spiral. Sometimes in the past if im in a really bad mood I would think I just need to sleep it off. More recently however, one trick thats helped is to meditate for 15 minutes or so. could be something as simple as focusing on your breath, or some people focus on the flame of a candle. Theres heaps of stuff you can do. When you get away from the rapid cycle of 'thoughts' for some people it 'reset's their mood a little. Of course the more practise the better you become at doing this. If your like how I use to be, thoughts racing around your head would be normal. Slowing this down, and getting use to not always thinking and thinking about thinking can really help. Many of these 'automatic thoughts' are not helpful especially if we are in a bad mood.

 

 

 

 

Re: I think I deserve to be depressed

Hi @Creativegirl12,

I just wanted to check in with how you've been feeling now compared to when you first posted here. Wow, there are so many replies! I'm just wondering if all the different perspectives here have been helpful?

It's hard to resolve feelings of incompleteness, and as a few people have already mentioned, it's at times like these when getting support from whoever and wherever we can is really important. Is there anything in particular which has helped you cope in the past?