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I think its all done...

I don't really know how to explain it but I am going to try.

 

I am reaching a point in my life where I am so close to completing something that its just all becoming too hard. I am so close to graduating but it just feels so far away. I just feel like it might not be worth finishing. I know that it is, but I don't have the will power to keep going. 

 

I care about doing well but I won't put in the effort. I just dont know what to do. 

 

I go to my classes, I pretend to make it look like im doing work, but my mind is somewhere else. 

 

I was at dinner tonight and halfway through I got up, went to my room, self harmed and came back down to dinner as if nothing had happened. 

 

Its like I have been using it to make myself feel better. But the hardest part is, it does make me feel better. As much as I don't like doing it, I feel like my normal self again. 

 

What am I meant to do? I am one year and 2 weeks from graduating and I just don't know if I can keep going. 

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Re: I think its all done...

Hey youngster, I think you've done well to hop on here and tell us about it.  At least you recognise that your coping strategies aren't particular helpful.  Have you spoken to anyone about how you feel at all.  Friends, family, health professional?  You mention you were at dinner.  Was that with your family?  Maybe next time you feel that way you can phone someone and talk to them before you do anything brash.

 

Perhaps a strategy like this http://au.reachout.com/Stopping-self-harm in place will help you.

 

Also I would really consider talking to a counsellor or someone whom you are close to, to work through this.  The guys at headspace http://www.headspace.org.au/ is a great way to start.  You can phone them or talk to someone online if you would prefer.  You have a long way to go with studying and it could get harder trying to cope.  All the best to you

Re: I think its all done...

Hey Youngster,

 

I am really sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time of it. Study can be a really lonely road, and often you do find yourself wondering if it is all worth it. I have recently gone back to Uni to study a second degree which will take me several years if I manage to get through it. I have decided not to put pressure on myself to finish the whole degree, but rather to focus on just getting through one unit at a time.

 

Maybe you can try to do the same. Don't think about only having 1 year to go, but instead just take it a week at a time. 

 

In terms of whether it is worth it - if you have only got one year to go, I reckon you are right in that it is better to stick with it. 

 

The self-harm is also very concerning. I know you have been sent lots of links and information about how to deal with it and distraction techniques, so I wont send these through again.  It would be great if you could find an alternative to self-harm that wasn't dangerous.  Have you tried any of the suggested techniques like putting rubber bands around your wrists and slapping to get a sensation? It might seem strange, but these have worked for a lot of other people, so it's really worth trying them out.

 

Can anyone else give Youngster some first-hand advice on avoiding self-harm?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Re: I think its all done...

Hey youngster,

It's tough to keep going when we are feeling so helpless, but it's worth it! What are your plans for after graduating? Do you think you can concentrate on those things to help you get through the tough times?
I think it's very common to feel this way at the end of semester... everyone gets a bit "over" education and just want holidays! So maybe it will help to concentrate on your plans over the holidays??

It's interesting that you say self harm makes you feel better - I think this is a common feeling, but believe me there ARE better ways of coping and those things WILL feel just as good once you learn how to use them effectively. For instance, I get the same "kick" out of going for a swim as I did when I self harmed. It's important you explore other options - do you have a counsellor who can help you explore them?

There are so many other things you can do instead of self-harming. These are some that have helped me in the past:
colouring in, listening to music, playing with my dog, writing, playing games online, tidying my room, going for a walk or a swim (physical exercise is very effective), telling myself that I'll wait 5 minutes (often the feeling passes), baking. The list is endless! But you need to find what works for you as it differs from person to person!

Please take care of yourself. Thinking of you.

Re: I think its all done...

Hey Guys, 

 

First of all I want to thank you for being there for me, I really appreciate it. 

 

I have supportive friends around me but when it comes to me being able to open up, it just doesn't happen. I am not the type to talk to people about things like this. I was getting some help for my anxiety and depression but that was before my self harm came back badly. I just don't feel comfortable talking about self harm because everyone around me is so against it and I would feel so judged to have someone know how I feel and what those feelings are doing to me. 

 

I don't live at home, I live in a boarding house. I just couldn't deal with being at dinner at that point and I didn't even realise what I was doing and where I was going until I ended up back in my room...

 

I am trying really hard to break the habit because although it makes me feel great at the time, its having to deal with hiding them and the guilt of knowing how badly I am hurting myself that hurts the most.

 

I really don't know what to do anymore, like now I have started losing friendships and I just don't really care anymore. I have seen others go down these paths and I know for a fact that it doesnt always end well. I just want to get out of this rut and make my life good. 

 

I really appreciate all of the advice you guys are giving. 

 

I know that once I graduate I will be doing further study to get a good job but its hard because I am just so scared of failing at life that the fear is my failure. 

Re: I think its all done...

Hey Youngster,

Good to see you back again. I know how hard it is to talk to others about how you're feeling, especially when it comes to mental health issues.
Letter-writing can sometimes be helpful - even if sometimes the letters are never delivered - at least you get the thoughts and feelings out of your own head.

If you still don't feel comfortable talking to a doctor, psychologist or even just friends - maybe try journalling? There are some really good online sites like https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome and there are even self-help work books that will walk you through CBT (cognitive behavourial therapy) which is a technique many psychologists use for depression and anxiety sufferers.

If you have a smart phone, check out this list of apps, there might be something there that you would find useful too: https://www.beacon.anu.edu.au/categories

Look after yourself Smiley Happy
JD