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I've messed up a possible relationship with someone I really like. Please help!

First of all he is gay and I am bi.

We met on grindr and started chatting. After several days of chatting and then video chats he both liked each other and we organised to have a date together which was just a picnic at the beachfront. During this date we both turned out to really liked each other and ended up jumping into the deep end, relationship wise and on this date we both skipped several steps of getting to know each other and ended up kissing I said I really liked him and he loved me asking me to be his boyfriend. 

Confused and scared I decied to end the date early feeling sick in the stomach. Later that night I was still feeling sick and scared mainly because I had realised I was wasn't ready to be that deep into a relationship to be labeled a boyfriend especially after one date, feeling scared and anxious I couldn't face him so I ended up messaging him I needed to slow down and I needed time to figure out if I really liked him in the same way or if I had become swept up in the thought of someone really liking me and wanting to date me. 

Unfortunately he didn't take this well and thought I was trying to break up with him permenantly, however we decided to try to stay friends because he still wanted me in his life and I wanted him in mine because he was such a kind person. The next day however when I tried to delete my grindr account (because I wasn't in interested in the app anymore after what happened) a friend of his spotted my account was active and messaged him and he blew up at me and left me as a friend. He has now re added me as a fiend on facebook and I am trying to chat with him trying to move on from what happened. I still like him and with time I wouldn't mind a relationship blossoming between us but at a slower more natural pace. 

Should I try to pursuit a relationship with him, should I give it more time.

 

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Re: I've messed up a possible relationship with someone I really like. Please help!

From my experience there are no right or wrong answers. What you should or shouldnt do. Its all about the path we decided to take in the end.

 

From what Ive read it sounds like there is a bit of communication problem and impatience. Honesty is the best policy and be honest to yourself and him and dont be afraid if the truth has potential to hinder the relationship eg you wanting to take it slower. Also imo texting and messaging is a very poor way of communication. Try calling up or meeting up.

 

My 2 cents. Take care.

Re: I've messed up a possible relationship with someone I really like. Please help!

Hi @Psuedo, it sounds like you would like to see him, but go a bit slower?  Texting can sometimes lead to confusion and a messages being misinterpreted - would you feel comfortable calling him and explaining what you meant? Perhaps writing down what you want to say beforehand might help. 

 

It seems like you would like to see this guy, but it's important to hear what he wants and to make sure you understand each other.  Here are some tips on listening.  Also, if he feels like you've listened to him, he may be more willing to move forward.

 

It can feel aversive and anxious when we rush into things, so perhaps if you explain how you are open to moving slower, it could be more enjoyable? This sheet on resolving conflict might help (scroll down to the Resolving Problems section) - if you are able to talk to him then you can explain your point of view.

 

Let us know how you're going!

Re: I've messed up a possible relationship with someone I really like. Please help!

Thanks for that. It has been 2 weeks now; we are communicating again but he doesn't want to see me because he is afraid I might spend time with him again then throw it all away. So i have decided to back off a little and give him some space for a bit. However I'll definately look through those links you added.

Re: I've messed up a possible relationship with someone I really like. Please help!

Hi @Psuedo, thank you for replying.  It sounds like you're really being respectful and considering his position and being conscientious of how he feels! I hope it works out, and we're here for you if you want to talk about it again later.  All the best!

Re: I've messed up a possible relationship with someone I really like. Please help!

Thanks @tsnyder

Re: I've messed up a possible relationship with someone I really like. Please help!

Hello everyone,

 

So as I said I was having trouble. Just before christmas we met each other to resolve what happened face to face and by the end of it we were walking off holding hands getting back together. For about 2 weeks everything seemed to work out well, then he went on a cruise with his family for 10 days after which time he got back and after a day of chatting he blocked me from facebook and won't return phone calls or texts. 

 

It has been 2 weeks now I finally stopped trying to text him a few days ago. I don't know what has happened I haven't gotten an explanation. All I know is I came out to my parents whilst he was on his trip and as I told him whilst my parents accepted it I hadn't told them i was dating the guy of my dreams yet simply because I needed to give my mother time to accept I like guys and would be dating them. I think this might have been a contentious point for him.  

 

What should I do Smiley Sad I really miss my sam

Re: I've messed up a possible relationship with someone I really like. Please help!

Hiya @Psuedo, welcome back! Congrats on coming out to your parents and really glad to hear that have been accepting. I'm sorry to hear that Sam has cut off all communication with you, that's not cool. If he doesn't want to see you at the moment, the right thing to do is tell you why. Perhaps you could write him a letter or an email or something he can't block requesting a quick chat, and let him know you will respect and accept his decision either way?

 

It might also help to chat to a counsellor, one that specialises in LGBT relationships. QLife is a good place to start!