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I've spent my life running away from the pain

At first, I was like what's the point of even posting this.  I don't want to sound crazy or intense. But I gave in. It's been pretty tough lately, I have these overwhelming clouds washing over me. 

 

So it starts off with me being bullied as a young kid, I learnt to not trust people/or get close to them because I don't want to get hurt. I don't want people to reject or abandon me. I don't want to be alone. But yet, behind these walls I am. While I do socialise and interact with people, its all fine, I can take it. I'm afraid of getting close and personal. It's so hard to handle the pain on your own. It's like I don't really belong anywhere, I'm too sensitive and too vulnerable. Showing emotions means weakness. 

 

I feel safe with barriers around me but its so suffocating and lonely. I've been rejected way too many times, I've been left alone way too many times. I can't escape from these feelings this time, their crowding my mind, circling round and round, to the point I'm so dizzy and frustrated. 

 

Being in the depressive phase all aggravates it. Not being able to reach out. No shoulder to cry on. I'm here all on my own. 

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Re: I've spent my life running away from the pain

Hey @Creativegirl12 

 

I'm so sorry things are rough at the moment for you but it's great that you're able to do something for yourself to counteract some of the feelings, by coming here and posting. Doing that shows you're open to feedback and support which can make a huge amount of difference.

What have you done in the past that helps you move through this stage? You've posted in the past showing an amazing amount of insight into your own process, so can you list the things that help?

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Re: I've spent my life running away from the pain

Well considering that I try avoiding my emotions, I'm only learning how to accept this. I've tried talking about this, it's a complex issue, and it's going to take time to resolve. It's not something I've spoken in a great detail about with my psych yet.
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Re: I've spent my life running away from the pain

Hey @Creativegirl12
You are not crazy or intense, you have been through so much and I think you are so strong for posting how you honestly feel and what is going on for you.

Being rejected is a horrible feeling and it stops us from getting close to people because of fear. Showing emotions for me means strength because hiding, running and doing things alone is so tiring and you need that support, someone to lean on. Do you have any friends or family that you feel you can let in?

Do you think you could open up to your psych a bit more about this?
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**Believe in the power of you because you are your own hero**
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Re: I've spent my life running away from the pain

I can talk to them through Skype/messaging, at least its better than nothing even if its not the same. I'm going to see my parents in a weeks time too. But they aren't here at the moment. I can definitely try to open up during my next psych appointment.
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Re: I've spent my life running away from the pain

Hey @Creativegirl12 

Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. I can only imagine how tough it can be to isolate yourself and feel so alone. I think its important to overcome the root of the problem before trying to fix it so maybe you should speak to your psychologist of ways to mentally overcome and accept the the bullying you experienced so it doesn't impact your future. I hope you can find ease by talking to your parents, parents are usually very helpful and provide you with the comfort you sometimes need. You should slowly allow yourself to socialise with others, have you tried a part time job or volunteering? They are really good ways to meet new people and interact with others. 

 

Wish you all the best