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Re: I want it..

I can't believe I actually survived 2017

===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: I want it..

Hey @redhead,

I think it's such an amazing achievement that you've managed to come this far and continue taking care of yourself. I know things haven't always been easy and I just wanted to say that I think it's awesome that you've got through 2017 - I'm really happy for you :-)

How are you feeling today?

Re: I want it..

I bullshited to my temporary case manager today about everything being fine. I didn't know what else to do. I don't want them to know I'm struggling and had suicidal thoughts again.

Right now I want to run away. I don't want to be inside my head.
===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: I want it..

@redhead Why don't you want your case manager to know? Here to listen. Where are you at the moment?

Re: I want it..

@Bree-RO I don't want them to know I'm not really ok.
And I'm at home
===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: I want it..

How is it at home this evening @redhead? Really feeling for you, sounds like you need support but are hesitant to let your CM in. How do you think the case manager will respond? Just trying to figure out what's at the base of this fear around letting them know Heart

Re: I want it..

@Bree-RO I've pretty much just locked myself in my room all day and only came out for meals. I don't feel up for human connection.
And I only have this CM this month while mine is on leave. I don't know how she'd respond.
And I want everyone to think I'm fine. If I pretend then maybe it'll come true.
===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: I want it..

Why does it always have to be this hard...
===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: I want it..

I get it. I think you're perfectly okay and beautiful as you are to be H @redhead. I love your wisdom, your intelligence.  I know it's impossible for you to see this at the moment. Instead of telling your case manager about the suicidal thoughts first thing (if that's where your concern mainly is), could you say "I have felt hesitant telling you about some stuff around my safety, I feel ashamed/fearful etc etc" And focus more on that. It's important you feel you can be transparent with her, because you deserve to be safe, we all really value you.

Re: I want it..

Hey @redhead,

 

I know that I dont' know you as well as some, but I'm going to have to second @Bree-RO's advice about having a discussion with your (temporary) CM to let them know that there are things you're not-ready to tell them. If you're not ready to tell them the things it's okay, but it's important that you at least tell them there are things.

 

Also, try not to be so worried about having everyone think your fine. I really do understand the urge to pretend, but the help can't help if you close it out.

 

Appearing fine has its uses (pretending can make it feel true somedays), but maybe save the 'I'm fine' mask for times when you're out doing the things you love, and really just want to enjoy yourself for a bit.