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Re: I want it..

I'm seeing my psychologist today, I feel more comfortable talking to her.
===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: I want it..

I'm so glad to hear that you have at least one person that you are comfortable discussing things with. Maybe chat to your psychologist about why it is that you aren't ready to tell your temporary CM things. If you already have trust, that could be more comfortable than opening up to your CM. I'm willing to bet that if you can figure that out, you can find a way to put that mask away and just be you (you already seem pretty awesome to me).

Re: I want it..

So i kinda ended up telling my psychologist i was fine too. We talked a lot about how I'm getting better.
TBH a lot of things are getting better and i think that's why I have been freaking out lately. I don't know feeling ok. And I always self sabotage everything. I feel like lately I've been deliberately making myself triggered because that's all I know.
===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: I want it..

It's pretty normal to feel conflicted about recovery, particularly after a long illness. You spend so much adapting to not being fine, that the idea of getting better starts feeling alien and weird. Sure, being in pain sucks, but it's a hurt that's grown "comfortable" and familiar, because you've learned to put up with it by now. It's like you've learned how to be miserable, but forgotten how to be happy in the process.

 

At least that was how it was for me. By the time I started on the way to recovery after my third depressive episode, I'd spent so much of my life depressed I could no longer tell where the depression ended and where I began. I could feel myself changing, and that change was scary, since I didn't know what kind of person I would be by the end of it.

 

3 years on, and...well honestly, not that much has actually changed. Mostly I just got taller. I still carry inside me everything that's ever happened, I just don't spend time beating myself up for every mistake I've made. I'm still not really sure about how to be happy, and I'm still learning how to "be normal", since opening up to others is still a work in progress. I'll probably never be totally normal. Because the more steps I take, the more I realize that recovery isn't a goal, so much as it is a direction. There's no magic point where you hit "normal" and you're officially "fully recovered". You just keep learning, little by little everyday and wait for things to feel less awkward and more natural with time. 

Re: I want it..

Hey @redhead

 

I can very much relate to the idea of not knowing 'feeling ok' or feeling happy/content. I've had to talk myself out of a panic attack because I didn't recognise content, and the lack of recognition of the feeling freaked me out.

 

I've found that being very concious of the things we have to be thankful for each day can be helpful with that. If you recognise what is better, it can be less confronting to suddenly find yourself feeling better. I know people who use apps to help them with this, but my trick for making this an everyday thing was actually an advent calendar of thankfulness. Each day in the run up to Christmas, I had to post one thing I was thankful for. Somedays it was easy, somedays it took some serious thought, but I got there. (I actually got the idea when a friend started one on Facebook, and I liked the idea so much I copied it.)

Re: I want it..

@RevzZ @Danielle_RO thanks.
I never thought I'd ever recover and now I'm on that journey. Even though it's scary it's great.
===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: I want it..

so you know how i said ive been doing well. well today im not.
===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: I want it..

hey there @redhead, you've mentioned today is not going so well for you, sorry to hear =(

Re: I want it..

@Sally-RO I really want to self harm. It's so stupid and pathetic. Nothing ever works out. 

What if I'm not getting better but deluding myself. 

===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: I want it..

@redhead do you think you will be able to stay safe and not self harm tonight? I don't think this is things not working out (even though it feels like it) or a delusion to think things are getting better, its just some days our moods are higher than others. Can make it all seem hopeless of course....