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I want to kill myself and everyone i see

I've lost my mum on November 23, 12 days after her 63rd  birthday. She was more than a mother. She was the only person that kept me going.

My childhood was scarred with fear. My father had a mental disorder that made him do despicable stuffs. I was so scared of him and wet my bed till I was 14. My mum never took her frustration on me. Instead she loved me with all her might.

When I was old enough I swear I would protect her against anyone and anything. One day I was so mad at my dad that I told him to go and die before I slapped him. So he did. He commited suicide that day. It was 9 years ago. To that day I still can forgive myself. Became an alcoholic and my mum was there to pick up the pieces and made me whole again.

She also took care of my grandparents. Grandma was ok but the stress and fatigue took a toll on her. She became so frail that I couldn't recognise her. After my grandma died she took care of my grandfather. My grandfather was not shy on insults while my mum was literally breaking her back to look after him. Some family member too made a lot of insults but was never there to help.

After my grandfather died some family member told my mum that it was her fault. She cried all night that day. Can get that image out of my head.

6 months after my grandfather died my mum died too. She was finally free to live her life. Free to realise her dreams after 33 years of toture and insults but God took her away. It was like God said ok, you did your job serving other now I will reward you with a heart attack. We had so many plans together but will never be able to realise them now. Some people keep telling me that she is at a better place in some fantasy land but I don't give a rat's tail, I just want her to be here.

I am so angry all the time. I want to kill myself but can't go forward with it. I can't stand people being happy. I just want to kill them all. I keep a utility knife in my pocket all the time just wainting for the right opportunity.

I don't believe in religion but do believe in God and really hoping to meet him one day so that I can tear him limb from limb

 

 

 

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Re: I want to kill myself and everyone i see

Well I can understand your fustration and I can only imagine the pain you feel at at time like this. 

 

I think one important note to make is you can get on as time passes it heals wounds. Painful times will happen obviously but they will pass. As do the good times. 

 

Life is like the clouds in the sky some coulds are unhappy ones and some happy ones. They don't stay though they just pass on by and the wind carrys them somewhere else.

 

I would most definetly suggest seeing a physcologist. Im not saying you are broken (In don't belive anyone is) you just need some one to show you how to deal with your pain and suffering.

 

 

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Re: I want to kill myself and everyone i see

Hi Venom, welcome to Reach Out. It sounds like this is a really difficult time of year for you, losing your mum after all you both have been through. You sound like you're in a lot of pain and it takes real courage to battle through that and reach out for help. You said that you want to kill yourself but cannot go through with it, which means there is a part of you that does not want to end your life, but it does want to escape the pain you are feeling. Through all the years of sadness, this is the part of you that is keeping you here with us today. I want you to take the next step and call the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467. Their counsellors are available 24 hours a day, including right now, to listen and help you feel less alone with your pain and anger. Please give them a call before you hurt yourself or somebody else.

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Re: I want to kill myself and everyone i see

Hi there @venom Your Mum sounds like she was such an incredible person and you have been through so much, like ellebelle said it certainly does take courage to keep going and to share your feelings. Please please do take ellebelle's advice and call the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467. 

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Re: I want to kill myself and everyone i see

I don't see the point in living since i've stopped believing in everthing I used to. There's no justice in life and karma is just a pipe dream

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Re: I want to kill myself and everyone i see

can a consellor make me believe in what's good or bad? or in justice? because there aren't any in this world. I don't know what is keeping me from killing myself but feel no restrain in killing someone else, im just looking for the right time. I want to see pain in the eye of the loved one of that person

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Re: I want to kill myself and everyone i see

I feel much compassion for you my friend, Please remember that such acts will not sooth your pain just deepen it.
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Re: I want to kill myself and everyone i see

Hello Venom and welcome. 

 

I second everything that has been said by 8FoldPath and ElleBelle. I won't pretend to know how you are feeling but sometimes I feel like I want to kill everyone. The world isn't always fair but there are people out there who will help make it better for you. 

Counsellors are trained to help people deal with grief and other issues they are having in their lives. Speaking to a counsellor might just help you push through this difficult time for you. At the top of the page there is a link to Emercency Help & Info. If you feel uncomfortable physically talking to someone whether its in person or on the phone then there are online chat or email options. 

It doesn't matter whether you believe in religion, god, rebirth or the afterlife. You mother hasn't left you. Part of you will always be with you, a bond like the one you've describe with your mother is strong. Just close your eyes and think of her and she'll be there for you. I'm not saying she's in some fantasy land, she's with you. 

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Re: I want to kill myself and everyone i see

Hi venom,

 

I can tell that this is a really hard time for you.  I wont say that I understand exactly what you are feeling as everyone's experiences are different but I can tell you that I relate to the feeling of losing a mother.  And not just a mother as you said, a mother that was something more.  About 2 years ago I was having problems in my life that I wont go in to and my mother was the only one that could help me through it.  She kept me going also.  18 months ago I lost her to cancer and I also felt like I wanted to kill myself.

 

I am sure you have heard this before and are probably sick of hearing it (I know I was).  It does get better with time.  I know that doesn't help right now.  The feeling of grief is still very raw to you right now and nothing seems fair.  And you know what, it isn't.  I still don't think any of this is fair.  What helped me and stopped me from doing anything to harm myself or anyone else was the thought of her.  I thought to myself, "is this what she would want?".  My answer was no, like your mother my mother loved me very much and I know she would want me to have the best life I could.

 

It took me until just recently to have the courage to go talk to someone about my problems and for me that helped.  My first start was coming on to these forums and I was given alot of encouragement from everyone here.  You made the first step.  It may not feel like much but it is a great start.  You are a very brave person to make that step.

 

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Re: I want to kill myself and everyone i see

maybe but at least i won't be alone then