I wish...

[hmm789]

I wish I could have someone to talk to and just be there for me when i'm feeling really down and I know I have no one to blame for that except myself. I haven't told anyone how I'm feeling because how can I explain it to someone when I can't even explain it to myself. I don't think anyone would understand what I'm going through unless they were going through the same thing.

I don't want to tell my parents because it would destroy them, so instead I bury it inside but it's destroying me. Everyone just thinks I'm being lazy or unproductive but I just physically feel drained and all I want to do is stay in bed until this time in my life is over. 

I wish someone would notice some sort of sign that I'm not ok and confront me but I know I would probably still just say I'm fine. 

[Bree-RO]

Hey @hmm789 this is a really tricky place to sit, sending you tonnes of love from the ReachOut crew. I think the first thing that needs to happen is you definitely need to speak to a counsellor, at least KHL but ideally at some stage face to face. The reason being, these guys have been trained at length around how to break down these feelings, and slowly put in place strategies to shift your life and help you feel yourself. Kind of like going to the gym to get fit, we go to counsellor's/psychs to reframe our lives & get back on track.

Do you have a counsellor at school?

[hmm789]

Thanks @Bree-RO

I have tried the KHL a few times but it has always either been full or I have had to wait a while to get through to someone and eventually just closed to tab. 

My school counsellor can't be trusted and even if I decided to trust her I have to walk through the admin to get to her and the admin staff are all very gossipy and would tell me dad as they work with him and I want him to find out on my terms not by some gossipy rumours he heard at work.

My brother keeps going to my parents about all these medical things like he will say I've been getting heaps of head aches or the other night he told them he was having chest pain type things and they told him to see a doctor and he thinks it's just stress anyway I envy how open he could be with them. but he's basically the golden child and I feel like they will think if I say how I'm feeling that I'm too young to know what I'm talking about or I'm being dramatic. I don't think they will take me seriously. I'm 16 and since I'm the youngest and only daughter they treat me like I'm 8. 

[Bree-RO]

@hmm789 I hear what you are saying but it is incredibly important on the road to feeling better, and the first step (reaching out to a counsellor) lies with you. KHL webchat can be tricky would you consider phoning them at 1800 55 1800? You will still have to wait but once the counsellor picks up you get an allocated an engaged session with a therapist (totally confidential).

It sounds like you feel you don't have a voice because of your older sibling, I am sorry to hear this. Why do you think he is the golden child? Do you feel they don't view you in the same way? Every single human is important, there is no hierarchy, we all really want you to feel supported and heard because you deserve it. 

[hmm789]

I did consider calling but I didn't want my parents to hear me on the phone; the walls are very thin. @Bree-RO

He is the middle child but he has the tan skin and he always goes to the gym and stuff and he's a neat freak his room is so tidy and my mum is always saying to me and my other brother why can't you be more like him. I don't think he can hide his emotions well so they are quite sympathetic towards him as well because he can get riled up quite quick and he's sometimes scary when he's angry.

I don't know I've just always felt like the odd one out in my family because there is a 5 year age gap between us and I'm always the annoying little sister who is standing between the "grown ups" having fun together. 

[basketofmonkeys]

Hey @hmm789, I'm sorry about what you're going through. It's always rough when you don't feel like part of a family unit and I totally understand how it would be making you feel at the moment. I do agree with @Bree-RO about getting outside help. KHL aren't the only services with an online chat method if that's what you prefer - lifeline also has online chat services from 7pm-12am.Do you feel like you're in a space where you would benefit from talking things through with a professional?
Let me know how everything goes. Self-care is super important, please remember to take some time out to take care of yourself, especially when you're not feeling too great. <3

- BoM

[Birdeye]

What are your relationships like with your brothers? Particularly the one who isn't the golden child? Do you think they could be someone worth testing out talking to?

[hmm789]

Thanks @basketofmonkeys

I think I would definitely benefit from talking things through with a professional but its just a matter of telling my parents so they can get me there and everything. :/

[hmm789]

@Birdeye

It could be a possible approach, we don't hate each other but we don't exactly share everything with each other either. 

[TOM-RO]

I am sorry to hear that you are not feeling important or like your voice would be heard by your parents @hmm789. I know how isolating and lonely that could feel for you. It sounds like there has been a few options thrown around, how do you think you might start to open up the conversation with your parents so you can see a professional? Mental health is just as important as physical health