You'll all have to expect that I can't really respond positively. And um, maybe kinda read at your peril.
It feels good to be honest. Talking like I'm dancing around things always makes me feel like I have to pretend at an even deeper level, just to keep the little control I have over my life, or over future gossip.
What makes life nothing? I don't understand how people live. When they make meaning of their lives and make 'parental/adult' judgement calls on what is right and wrong and planning for their future ...when it will all come to an end. Why struggle and finally own a house when you reach seventy only to 'retire' and have your children/government resell it on your death? Or why be ambitious, make it big, only to submerge into anonymity, remembered out of novelty or historical interest?
They strive and slave away, only to have it all taken away.
This is what makes life nothing. Life, or whatever glory you can gain, becomes nothing. The scale of it is hopeless. There are times when I would like to glimpse hope or the enjoyment I see in others who somehow ignore this or remain unaware - to have family like them and a significant other who understands them in return... but it will come to an end.
And umm... the idea of being worthy isn't real. When you've sunk this low, with not even drugs or alcohol as an excuse but a totally natural genetic/nurture thing, then being worthy of help doesn't feel right. And I personally don't go on dates knowing the disaster I'm asking them to endure later. Not if you really have someone worth caring. No, the valuable ones deserve valuable people, who won't die on them or ha. drag them through hell and then die. And that's being responsible.
I don't think centrelink is for people who want to die. I think it's for people who want to live, who would want to be normal like everyone else and work, to get off centrelink - but for whatever reason can't yet or never will.
It is true that I have something remaining which allows something to keep existing. That is still an enigma to me. And every now and then when I remind myself of my abilities (lol it feels like someone should be slapping me for the little pride I have in that) I could work back to a positive resolution. I've done lifeline before, which was very kind of them. But I have to dance around the truth to stay free. You are right about that self-punishment... and it comes as a second nature.
I want to say self-punishment is wrong, with examples that encourage it...
...I mean we don't really need religion or the australian poppy culture to be repetitively reminded to mentally do what comes naturally. To be punished every day for both doing wrong, or doing really well... ha. I wonder that both cultures should be symbolised by the lawn mower guy in flipflops. Endlessly dousing the grass (people) in controlled water (hope) to grow their little heart out in some joy, only to be endlessly (and casually) cut down, and by people who are a slip away from injuring themselves permanently... mowed down only to make those lawn-mowing authorities, whether religion, media, or members of society look in control of their lives.
But maybe in the making of my judgement I am condemning myself too - as bitter and implicit instead of accepting and culture-changing. There are peaceful, good people in there too sometimes. But I don't feel their voices. They either leave the country, or loose/ignore much of their religion.
And in most respects they are in fact right. It is right. The punishing thoughts that I deserve are usually based on truth. That's why they sting so much. I did this, instead of that. I let those people down. I never turned up. I got angry. I got bitter. I got impatient. I turned into an ugly person. I never fulfilled my promises or abilities. I delayed a job... And who's going to punish that wrong? Apart from general social-justice... Who's left to do carry it out? I mean I could brush off what people say and think. Or I could amplify and echo it out of reverence for the right things that should've happened, ...so that it stings enough that I feel my wrongdoing enough to maybe not do it again. Or just let the final punishment happen to match a lifetime of repeated failure and minor scrapings by to fail again.
But who am I to say, or decide what is right or wrong? Or to complain? What legs can I stand on, that don't undercut me because I am that judged person too. And nothing makes sense to me either.
Have I tasted consistency that lasted long enough for some support... Sort of. I had people drive me to doctors or to the shops/chemist. And I managed to try things for a few months. But, being me. I couldn't keep it up. And I actively drove a lot of my friends away. I culled down the disaster zone, so to speak by becoming the bitchiest person I could think up. And then when it was up to me to bus there, or borrow random acquaintance's cars and things... I exhausted my human resources, if we really want to reduce good people into things. Sympathy fatigue is real, and reasonable. And I don't resent any of those people, on a personal level. How on earth could I get upset at them? They are human, they have lives and hopes and desires. I must redirect every and all emotional anger and regret to what caused it. Me.
And I exhausted myself. lol. When it came to receiving help on the regular, I remember one time where a few weeks in a row the only thing I managed to do (even avoiding centrelink appointments - whops) was to turn up to the psych appointment for 'help'. And they asked how things were going. Well... 'I came here' to say 'It's amazing - I came here' ...to go back there.
But it's true that the best (and most consistently good) I've ever felt was when I ate well for two months (the defrosted lunches, simple dinner and even breakfast!) and I don't remember what started it but I even ended up walking six? days/each week. ... it was an astonishing feat. It was like swimming in sunshine. But the sinking feeling was inevitable and felt... I imagine like coming down from a drug. A bit of a letdown really. Oh well. Reality kicks back in, as it should for one born this way. And the pointlessness of life becomes clear again.
In some ways I'd like to go back there, just to feel it and savour the hope and the taste of ignorance. But I see with so much clarity now the pointless of it all. The struggle, the end - it's so straightforward it feels almost well rather insanely laughable - the end, the ripping out of all people's labour and heart to only see someone else have it and die.
And I don't want to let people down anymore. Which means not making promises and not participating. But it's spring! And the weather is so inviting. I'm so confused.
Um. It almost feels wrong replying to any of you good people. Like slapping people. Being true. Being draining. Being the VDP. Saying what everyone would truly think, but are polite and hiding and pretending. And even just expressing all this like this. I mean, it's pointless in itself and what can I say... but. honesty. honesty of the lies, the self-protection.
I can't leap up and go "Lightbulb!" *dismissively chuckles* I don't know that I even want to. How cruel is it, to be like that to good-hearted people?! But it's true. I can't lie to a proven history. And being false would be dancing around the issue again, giving people the closure they need..
Maybe lies are more loving then I had given them credit for. They just take a lot of energy to upkeep, energy that I haven't got much left of.
I see into other people and I have hope that they will carry on unaware. That they will not understand the detail of the meaningless joke we are all living, or have the collision of genetics and nurture that awakens it. And that they would be happy with less. I envy them. I envy their sensibilities, and their small arguments over the quality/free-trade of coffee, or the choice of park, or the lack of gutter-cleaning ...that do or do not wisely turn into magnificent significance.
I am glad that you can cope, and that a Doc can give you the extra boost you need to return to your type of normal. That is a good thing, a very good thing to look forward to and become. Do what you need to .
....Press send? On a bundle of disjointed confusion, that half addressed various people or their comments? People have said good things for those who are in shock about how they feel. But rudely, um.. I don't know that it applies to me. And what I say and feel... what if it resonates with other people and sends them down into the pit of here. I couldn't ever want that. I mean everyone wants to be taken seriously, but to resonate... that's also why I lie about this most of the time. Let me suppress it all so I don't resurrect old or new feelings in people. Let me isolate. Isolating the issue and disposing of it, might prevent a social infection. Ha. What a true image. But sending this into the etha?
It feels like exposing my wordy self-indulgence as a inspiring curse. It feels repulsive even as it feels like leaking some pus. Not pretty. Not efficient. Not romantic. Not ideal. Not loving. Not prescriptive. But real and ugly and offensive and long-winded, as it honestly is. I suppose this is a good place as any. Read at your peril. Lol. It's almost like out of a midsommer's murder script. I suppose if I warn people, then I can send it. lol. What a lame excuse.
When I studied this a while back in psychology, it was interesting to see the different ways individuals make meaning or sense in their lives. I think something that really stood out to me about it was when people reach middle age to late adulthood, they hunt around for meaning in their lives to see that they made a contribution in order to make sense of life.
I often thought that I would need to be famous to make this contribution, however through reading about how people look through their lives and try to find any way they have changed someone, created something, or changed something, I've decided that the beauty of being able to make changes without anyone even realising can be satisfying. It can even be more satisfying than when people do know.
I read a poem once about when a man went to the park and strolled around, unnoticed. However the poem is so detailed in terms of what he does. And it made me think of the changes and the many things that occur.
When you sit in the grass and watch the clouds, the bending leaves and grass beneath you crease and fold in ways that would have never occurred if you weren't there. When you throw bread into the pond to feed the ducks in the pond, not only they get fed, but the micro-organisms in the water grow and multiply by the thousands, feeding future ducks and fish and eels and whatever else lies beneath the surface of that pond. And maybe this equates to nothing to you in terms of life, and maybe these differences are so small that they do not seem satisfying, however they are something, and they would have never happened if you weren't there feeding the ducks that day.
Ericsson's theory on the stages of psychosocial development was a catalyst for me to think about these things in this poem. It is very interesting to read also just to look into a psychological theory of human development, incase you're interested.
I am sorry that you feel this way. Lifeline is amazing when you feel like there is no where else to turn. And sometimes, the truth is a few words away, and with a push into the unknown, we can share our secret and face the ride ahead with curiosity. If life feels meaningless to you, it could be interesting to play around with it by exploring all the things you are interested in even in the slightest, or exploring the things that you have said you are good at, and learn what it means to you to be here to you, not anyone else. It could be great to seek help by just stepping into that world and letting your life be changed (or not).
I am glad I read your post. I will always read your posts. We both know they are not very positive at the moment, which I am sorry for, however I accept their worth. I think you have a lot of incredible thoughts and descriptions, and man, you can write.
Hey @Run, it was great reading that you're so comfortable and confident being honest, and that you get a good feeling after doing so. Honesty really can have that effect and sometimes we shy away from it due to insecurities or fear of completely opening up.
After reading through your entire post I can see that you're a very articulate person who has some different and sometimes challenging views on life/society/people- quite a few of which I see similarly.
I also often think about the "whys" of life and how, at times, when you look at your own existence, it seems fickle. But what also makes life so incredible for me, is the endless variety of experiences that are possible. The feeling of catching a wave, of writing a story, of playing a show, of writing music, of creating connections with other people, of seeing other countries, of getting lost in a book, of making your child/niece/nephew laugh. I'm completely fine if I'm forgotten by history and don't leave a mark on the entire world, for me, I'm more interested in experiencing an array of different things in the short time we all have.
I've definitely got my share of regrets too - missed opportunities, squandered potential, letting people down who I care immensely about. I don't feel that a person's mistakes always makes them a bad person or deserving of a miserable life. If someone is able to let go of their regrets/mistakes and learn from them, I feel like they've grown.
I really do admire the honesty and self awareness you've shown. Even though we may see some things similarly and some different, it's awesome that there's a place we can openly discuss it.
It sounds tough to not have that internal energy to drive your forward.
In terms of finding things meaningless, sometimes I find that 'if I try to find meaning' I cant find it, but by doing activities and living a certain lifestyle I can at times find a lot of meaning. Is there a hobbie or something you like doing? Often tasks that break the mind from a cycle of thinking can really benefit us!
Do you have things that you know give you a little boost of energy? For me its waking up early. When I set my alarm early, I feel like I am ahead and it gives me positive momentum for the day. Another tip might be to make your bed when you wake up. This also gives us a 'little win' and sense of completion which can start out day with a little bit of momentum (this is strategy that the army reinforces strongly).
I would suggest mindfulness
When our mind is in a constant state of thinking, this can really drain our energy. Sometimes its nice to just 'be' so to speak.
Sometimes it can be helpful to focus on the things you want to bring into your life. Rather then reinforcing the things you want to get rid of by thinking them over.
Whats one thing you could do today to give yourself some positive momentum for the future?
@Run your response is very insightful, and I really feel for you since I know how you feel about the self-punishment thing. Sometimes if I do some wrong, usually to someone else, I am a little baffled as to why they seem so nonchalant about it. They'll wave their hand and say 'its no big deal' and I think 'it is a big deal - I was supposed to [insert action here] and I never did it!'.
Although if I was to put myself into their shoes, and be the one being 'let down', honestly I feel like I wouldn't worry too much about it anyways. That way of thinking has helped me be a little bit kinder to myself (especially since I feel like I have very high internal standards and cannot bear the thought of hurting or disappointing someone) - have you ever thought about the situations you mention in that way?
As for the 'enigma' which keeps you alive - I always thought of that as some kind of primal life craving. Sort of like a desperation to stay alive which supports your immune system's efforts when you are ill or tries to do damage-control when you are injured. That's just a hypothesis though - I'm no biologist so I can't say for sure!
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