Insomnia and Depression, struggling to cope

[z10]

I’m 14 years old and ever since the later years of primary school I started to self harm and feel suicidal. I’ve always struggled with being self conscious about my sexuality and gender and not wanting to stand out. I’ve stopped doing my schoolwork completely and have become reckless. 

When I was younger I started to get superstitious OCD which I still have, having to touch objects a few times, walking back and forth etc.

Also intrusive sexual thoughts about people and just peoples faces which just get stuck in my head for weeks.

I also sleep with my mum.

Which I am ashamed of and I feel like I should grow up.

It had become a habit since I was younger which has stuck and now I can’t sleep by myself without having a panic attack.

Then last year when my parents got divorced I struggled sleeping.

I went three days without being able to fall asleep and ever since then, every few weeks I’ve been going a few days without sleep.

I’m on my second night right now.

Even when I have certain songs stuck in my head I can’t fall asleep.

I just don’t know what to do and I feel like I’m stuck in this one position.

I just want some one to read this and say at least something.

I just don’t want to go through this anymore.

[Lola-RO]

Hi @z10, and welcome to ReachOut - we're really glad you found us.  Your first post is a big step, so congratulations 

It sounds like you are pretty close with your mum.  Does she know how you feel?

[z10]

@Lola-RO Thank you for replying, yes she knows somewhat how I feel and wants me to see a therapist.

But whenever I see one I feel like I tell them too much and then I feel vulnerable.

I guess I’m just ashamed of myself.

[Lola-RO]

Vulnerability can be so uncomfortable, I completely get that.  Do you think it would be easier for you to talk to someone over the phone?