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Is this normal?
I need your input. I have come to realise the core of the problems. I understand you can't just blame one person for all your problems, but they certainly contribute to more than 70% of my issues. I should have listened to my friends sooner. My parents - My mum particularly. I want to tell you that please, please don't come at me and say, "oh, it's your parents, it's family, they don't mean to be this way." I know my parents love me and have given me a privileged life, but regardless, manipulation, control, and gaslighting are not okay.
Let's take getting my (P)s as a scenario. I am already 18 and I still don't have Ps, and while I'm still on my Ls, so many of my friends are on their green Ps. I want to drive because it will give me so much freedom, and I was explaining this to my friends only for him to tell me, "this was all a form of control." If I get my Ps, I'll have more freedom, and that is something my parents don't want because that means I'll be off the leash. Every time I ask to schedule a driving session with my mum/dad, there is always an excuse. They say yes, and when the day actually comes, it never happens because of whatever lame excuse they can think of. It's extremely disappointing. On top of that, I took the initiative to ask a family friend, and though they did help for a little bit (3 hours in total), once my parents found out, they claimed they weren't "comfortable" - their wording, not mine. And of course, they stopped me from building up my hours.
The thing is, everything is attached to strings. If I don't obey them, then I'll get grounded, like I won't be able to come to Europe with them or something that I want or that I am currently doing or have. They can take it away from me. I have freedom because everything is attached to strings. I even tried to confront them, and of course, my words are manipulated to suit their narrative. The reality and the truth of the situation are constantly eroded, and I am continually in conflict with myself over it. I guess that's how gaslighting works, right?
Take this for example, which is more recent, like in the last 4 days. I am hoping to petsit for the next 2 weeks during the holidays at someone's house. The place is far away, about 50 minutes away by bus (30 minutes by car). It isn't too bad, and when I told them I was doing this, they were furious, telling me I was selfish because I didn't consider their needs or feelings.
I have a dog of my own, so I knew that he was my responsibility. I could take my dog with me to petsitting so it makes life easier, and the owners that I am house-sitting for said that's fine. Both their dog and mine get along. However, of course, my parents wanted to add more stress and claimed "Bailey needs his own space and he knows where everything is" and they made up some pathetic lame excuse. So guess what, I am housesitting and coming home for a few hours a day to walk my dog, who has to be walked for at least an hour because he is a fairly big dog (Labrador). Look, I don't mind, as long as I am away from my parents and have space of my own to study. That's all that matters to me.
I don't want advice from anyone. I don't need anyone to problem-solve. I just need someone to say, "Wow, that is quite messed up." I genuinely just need people to believe me or that I am just blowing it out of my ass. I can't tell. Deep down, I am fueled with so much anger and rage and at this point of my life, I have begun to accept that, some people will not change and I would rather keep the truth to myself than for it to be eroded. So I keep all that anger inside.
Comments
Hey @Pinkfluffyunicorn24 it's definitely normal that you're feeling this way, and I'm so sorry you're having these difficulties with your home life. It can really feel like a betrayal to not have the trust and support of your parents, especially when you're making the already difficult transition out of school and into adult life, and your anger is a very valid and normal reaction. No matter their intentions or the role they have in your life, no one should make you feel as if their trust or respect for you is conditional.
I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this but I can hear the strength and resilience you possess through your post, and I hope that all of us here on the forums can help in any small way to lift you up through your journey. Others have mentioned some great additional support services in their responses, so I hope you feel a little more sure-footed and validated in your emotions and who you can lean on in the future!
Hey there @Pinkfluffyunicorn24
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way and are in this situation. It's never nice to feel like you don't have the freedoms you should have, being 18 and on the cusp of adult freedom and responsibility for oneself.
It is not ok for them to manipulate you, gaslight you, or control you in this way. I understand why you would want these feelings to be validated, and I really hope you look after yourself. Please reach out to services such as KidsHelpline (ages 5-25) or Peerchat (Reachout service) if you want to vent some of those feelings ❤️ and we're all here for you.
hi @Pinkfluffyunicorn24 it sounds like you have come to a conclusion that makes you feel more grounded. i agree with you wholeheartedly that just because parents give support you physically with a privileged life, it does not give them the OK to manipulate, gaslight and control you.
it makes so much sense to be frustrated and disappointed when your parents promise to help you out with driving and then end up backing out. and even more annoying when you find an alternative way to seek freedom in a family friend and your parents block that pathway.
It sounds like you are feeling really constrained in your parents narrative, and it’s good that you are aware of the gaslighting that’s happening so you can take action and cope as best you can.
Just reading about your experience I can tell how frustrating the whole situation is - where you are constantly trying to seek independence for it to be shut down. I believe you genuinely and empathise with your situation. you are not blowing it out of proportion and everything you have said seems quite logical. i’m so sorry you feel like you have to keep all your emotions bottled up for the time being. sending all my support your way.
Hey @adzukitty
I just wanted to express my deep appreciation for your message. Your empathy, compassion, understanding, and validation have had such a profound impact on me. It's hard to put into words how much relief and warmth I feel knowing that you genuinely believe and empathise with my situation. Your reassurance that I'm not blowing things out of proportion and that everything I've shared seems logical means the world to me. It's been tough keeping my emotions bottled up, and your support means everything to me and the whole 'reach out platform). Thank you so much for being there for me. 😊
Hi @Pinkfluffyunicorn24 , this all sounds really frustrating.
It sounds like you've done lots of reflecting on all this, and it's really great that you're able to identify that you just want a space to vent, rather than advice or problem-solving. Being able to actually articulate how you're feeling is such an important communication skill and you should be really proud of this!
I think that parent relationships are such an important relationship, and they can be incredibly complicated and multifaceted. I also think it's so so normal for this relationship to feel challenging at times too. I have so many friends who have felt similarly to you, so please know that you are definitely not alone in this.
The way you describe feeling, particularly in relation to driving, is really understandable. Of course you want to have your P plates, the independence that comes with this is massive and such a big step. I remember feeling so free when I first got my P's and was finally able to actually go places by myself! I can imagine it would be really frustrating and upsetting to feel like your parents are trying to stop you from having this experience.
Also, I just wanted to mention that your dog sounds gorgeous and also that I love your username, it's so cute!! 💖
Hi @Scarlet_Locust
It certainly is a learning process, a hard one too, constantly conflicted between what's reality or what's twisted to suit one's narrative. It's a constant battle, day in, day out. It makes me furious, it makes me want to scream and shout, but I've come to realise that this is what they want. And I'm letting them take the best of me. It's not worth it; some people are not worth getting angry over. I hope to one day be able to move out and have no contact. As harsh as that sounds, their words and actions hurt. Why should I surround myself with people who continually make me feel like nothing but a waste of space? Constantly disappointing them. I will never meet their unrealistic expectations. They say they want me to be happy - I most certainly am not happy with them, nor will I find happiness in my family life.
Thank you for commenting on the username. I love the song " Pink fluffy Unicorn dancing on rainbows" and my favourite number is 24. Yes, my dog is the most gorgeous and precious thing to me.
Hey @Pinkfluffyunicorn24, thanks for sharing what's been happening between you and your parents. I can hear how frustrating these interactions have been, especially as it sounds like they've been unsupportive as you are trying to gain more independence as a young adult. It sounds like despite this, you've been quite proactive in trying to navigate this situation, in that you've tried to talking with your parents and finding other ways of gaining more independence without their support. It's understandable that you would feel so angry and upset that your parents aren't willing to support your plans or ideas. Being met with what you describe as gaslighting and manipulation can really impact wellbeing and mental health. Do you feel like you have practices that help you manage this difficult dynamic?
It sounds like your friends have voiced their concerns with you about your relationship with your parents and you're now reflecting on whether there is truth to this and wanting validation, rather than ways of problem solving. It's great you've taken the step to reach out about this, as this isn't always an easy thing to do. I think it certainly does sound like a really difficult and frustrating situation where your parents have been invalidating and unsupportive of you trying to navigate the world as a young adult.
We're here to listen if you're wanting to share more. I also just wanted to share our service PeerChat here if you're wanting to chat 1 on 1 with a peer worker
I really appreciate your response and your concern, but I have a teacher who I am in contact with, and she is the most nurturing and compassionate person. She is the mother I have always wanted — kind, empathetic, and loving. She truly has been the best, and I cannot explain to you that, though our relationship isn't the most appropriate as I have her phone number, she truly has saved me on so many levels. I hate that feeling when I look at some of my friends' mothers, and I crave that love, attention, and, most importantly, nurture. I have lived my whole life with tough love. I am unable to form relationships because I don't know what affection is like; all I know is "to get over it.- " Suck it up"
Hey Pinkfluffyunicorn24 🩷
I understand how frustrating and difficult it is to deal with manipulative people. It can be even worse when these people are your parents. From what I have read, I can tell that you have every right to be feeling the way that your are. That certainly IS quite messed up. You should be proud of yourself for recognising that these behaviours are hurting you and seeking change as a result. Regarding your post title, while it is not ‘normal’ family behaviour, you are definitely not alone.
I have had my own struggles with family, and I also hated it when people say "but at the end of the day it's still your family". Just because they are blood related to you does not mean you deserve to be treated so unfairly.
I know you aren't necessarily looking for advice, but checking out some of the articles in the family section may provide some helpful further insight. It includes dealing with conflict, tips for communication, and the idea of a chosen family 🫶🏻
I really appreciate you stating " That certainly IS quite messed up...Regarding your post title, while it is not ‘normal’ family behaviour, you are definitely not alone" and expressing your own personal experiences with your parents. I cannot stress enough about your statement- It is spot on " Just because they are blood related to you does not mean you deserve to be treated so unfairly."
Thanks for your insight 🙂
I can see that you’re going through a really tough time at the moment. Dealing with controlling and manipulating parents would be incredibly challenging and I can understand why you’re feeling frustrated and upset. It can really hurt when you don’t see eye to eye with family and I appreciate you reaching out for support.
I think you’ve done a great job at trying to set boundaries by working towards getting your Ps and housesitting to gain some more freedom. I can see why it would be stressful when your parents keep trying to intervene, so kudos to you for persevering.
It sounds like you might also be struggling with feelings of anger towards your parents. You might find it helpful to talk to someone close to you (like a friend) about what you’re going through to further get things off your chest. This article also suggests some great strategies for blowing off steam and working through your feelings.
Conflict with family can be quite distressing so please remember that you don’t have to go through this alone and reach out again if you need further support.
Thank you for the insight- I really appreciate it. I've looked at the links, you've suggested. Also
Apologies for the delayed response; it slipped my mind. I've reached a point where I've learned to laugh off certain situations, like when my mother distorts my words and changes the narrative. While I know it may not be the most appropriate reaction, it confuses her and helps me cope since I've been conditioned to suppress my emotions. My childhood was marked by physical and verbal abuse, and showing emotions was met with mockery. I've also come to realise that arguing or getting angry is futile, as some people refuse to change. Instead, I've found solace in internalising my emotions, which I know is unhealthy. I try to find outlets like running. Talking to someone, or writing to process the anger, doesn't help because psychological abuse completely alters your perception, making it difficult to share the truth. Amidst the struggles of school and the high cost of living, my parents think buying gifts can compensate for their behaviour. It's ironic and shows they don't understand the depth of the issue.
I think for me to be able to cope and deal with is for someone to believe me and constantly reassure me that this isn't okay and that I am not just being dramatic. It isn't normal.
Hi @Pinkfluffyunicorn24
Thank you for sharing more about your experiences with us. I can see that you have endured so much in your life so far and how you have been treated by your parents is not okay. From reading your responses in this thread, it makes me really happy to see that you have been able to resonate with some of the support that you have been getting here and that you have checked out some resources on working through feelings. It's also really great to see that you have your dog close to you. Pets can be a valuable source of support for many people!
Reading your experiences of physical, verbal and emotional abuse is concerning and I wanted to share 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732). They can provide free 24/7 counselling support for anyone who experiencing violence and abuse.
We will also be sending you an email, please keep an eye out for it!