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Is this trauma or nah? What's going on.

I got pretty badly bullied at my first high school and like looking back at it im sure ppl have had worse or whatever, but I left this school at 16, I'm 20 now and still have like lingering trust issues abt whether ppl mean me harm, and I cannot go past the campus without just feeling this wave of anger and just a desperate need to just see those who teased me suffer like I did. I just feel so much anger even thinking abt it.

 

I feel embarrassed and nervous and my heart starts beating really fast when ppl ask me abt how or why I was bullied, and I feel like its really dumb and that if I mention anything ppl will stop liking me as a friend at all. I always worried that everything I say and do and like, and how I move looks stupid and that I look weird and wrong and "retarded".

 

I've been slowly tryna gain some self confidence and its been working but today when I was coming home from work on the train some ppl who were like in their 30s I suppose started walking behind me and mocking my walk like bullies used to at school. It sounds stupid but I do walk a bit weird and I've always been sorta self conscious abt it. They started talking abt my weird walk and my hair behind me and I could hear, and as I got on the train, they started calling me names.

 

I know I shouldnt let it bother me but it just seemed too much like high school and i havent felt so lonely and upset for ages. It just seems like everything I say and do is stupid and bad and weird and just im embarrassed by myself as a person.

 

I tried to play some music when I got home bc thats just my best way of self care but everytime i picked up my guitar, everytime I tried to write lyrics down or whatever i just doubted myself and i just thought i sounded bad and embarassing. I just got accepted into a diploma of music so this is not how i wanna be feeling.

 

Idk whats going on but i cannot function like this, just always wporried that I look stupid and that ppl are secretly laughing at me or just feeling pity. I thought I was over it but now its back in full force.

Re: Is this trauma or nah? What's going on.

@trashconverters Heya! Sounds like you've got a fair bit of emotions going on there. I'm sorry that you feel this way and that's been going on for you, but well done for coming here to have a chat Smiley Happy 

First of all, what you're feeling is absolutely normal. As someone who was bullied through school, the aftermath takes some time to work through and by no means is that a bad thing at all. It's so so normal, perhaps less talked about unfortunately. 

 

It's ok to feel nervous about this, because it's a difficult thing to talk about. Bullying is an under-addressed topic in social circles, but that doesn't mean you should feel bad about talking about what you went through, or how you feel if someone has asked. No one will judge you, you sound like a very strong person, and these things don't define you - you are a host of other, good and wonderful things (like your music talent!). I'd also like to suggest talk to your GP or someone about seeing a counsellor/psychologist about your feelings, CBT is a great way of working through these kinds of things Smiley Happy 

 

Super big congratulations on getting into the music diploma and for working on the self-confidence feelings. Self-confidence is alot like music writing; you have an idea of what you want to write/feel, you put something down or into a plan, and you make tiny little changes, over the course of days. So keep working at it, some days are always harder than others, but it does get better Smiley Happy  

 

Are there other ways of self-care that could make you feel better? Or maybe some friends that you'd feel ok hanging out with? Sometimes, company can be good during these times. 

 

Re: Is this trauma or nah? What's going on.

I'm a small town guy. I've had a bad experience w local psychs and counsellors bc almost all of them had kids that were at that "reputable" (pffffft) school or know ppl there, so I felt like it was very biased. I don't really have the money right now to travel outside of my shire for healthcare (rural living is just brilliant, lads). My GP is the only one I really trust with everything, but unfortunately, he's very popular and I only get to see him every so often (and he's also the one who jabs my arse when I need to get my scheduled intramusculars so sometimes our relationship is strained hehehe!) If I could find a not biased counsellor my life would so much easier. As for self care I feel like listening to the Pogues on repeat and crying doesn't really count...so I should probably find some better ones.

Re: Is this trauma or nah? What's going on.

Mmmm that is unfortunate, can somewhat understand the difficulty of being in a small town like that. 

I'm glad you have your GP to talk to, atleast there is someone that knows what is going on. Also, I have to say, I'm very glad to see your sense of humour in tact and that little bit cheeky #punintended. 

 

I don't know who the Pogues are, but I speak from experience when I say good music and crying does definitely help (it's not the best, but it's a good way to blow off steam!). 

 

I will offer this advice cautiously, because I am not a psychologist or counsellor, but this helped me the most when I was trying to go through the post-bullying feels. They are called "unhelpful thinking styles" and I think they could really help you for the time being to manage your emotions when you face situations like this. Basically, the mind processes information in a biased manner sometimes, and we just...listen to it, but try and take a step back, and have a look if any of these "thinking patterns" apply. (should be a hyperlink, but otherwise just google, unhelpful thinking styles) 

So... If i could offer an example: When you heard the men name-calling, maybe you processed this in an unhelpful way that you "labelled" yourself, and you used "emotional reasoning" to reinforce these feelings? Maybe write a list of things you know that you're good at to look back on and remind yourself, you're not what other people have said. 

 

I'd wager that as a music student, you've got a good creative side to you? What are some other things you're good at or enjoy? 

Re: Is this trauma or nah? What's going on.

@trashconverters I'm sorry to hear this has happened and is causing you pain.
How those people acted at the train station wasn't on. I'm sorry to hear that happened.

@Mayaa99 has written an awesome response. I just wanted to jump in and offer some support.
Is there any psych's or counsellors in your area that you haven't tried? Maybe this is something you can bring up with someone new (if there is anyone else) or with your GP to help you find someone different. I know that in my area I see my psychiatrist via video at my drs office. Maybe the same can be done with a counsellor/psychologist?

Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

Re: Is this trauma or nah? What's going on.

Hey @trashconverters, sorry to hear the bullying is making things so hard for you and making you feel anxious. I believe it's a normal reaction to what you have experienced. 

If you can't access a mental health professional for now you can always call Kids Helpline- 1800 55 1800 to talk about your feelings and how to best cope. I really hope you will give it a go!

 

Do you have any friends or family who you could chat to at this time?

 

-Lina/RO

Re: Is this trauma or nah? What's going on.

Unfortunately I think I'm too old for Kids Helpline, cause I am twenty, after all.

Re: Is this trauma or nah? What's going on.

@trashconvertersKids Helpline offer support for 5-25 years old Smiley Happy 

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Re: Is this trauma or nah? What's going on.

@trashconverters online counselling could also be an option for you! I'm sorry I don't know of any organisations off the top of my head but I know that online counselling and "Telehealth" are becoming heaps more accessible, especially for people in rural areas, so you might find something on google? Otherwise your GP might know of something!! We're always here to chat too Heart

Re: Is this trauma or nah? What's going on.

Hey @trashconverters if you're not keen for KHL (although you are in the age range) There's always Mensline who actually specialise in remote counselling (i.e. telephone counselling and webchat). Their number is 1300 78 99 78 or webchat link. Smiley Happy We're also here to listen.