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Issues with my Dad

I feel really guilty about writing this but at the same time I feel like I just need to tell someone with an outside view. My Dad and I have very similar personalities and while for girls, they might appreciate being told that, I don’t. We do have similar personalities but I am always trying to work on the negatives of that. So while I’m trying, my Dad does nothing to help our relationship. He doesn’t respect me and I’m scared to tell him I do not like it but I’ve tried talking to him before, it’s never gone well. I try with my Mum, to see if she’ll talk to him for me, but even she tells me just to think about how badly it would go. I want to respect and love my Dad, but it’s so hard with how he treats me, and my sister too. I don’t know what to do about it but especially with isolation now, if he isn’t allowed to go to work everyday, I will be strongly considering moving in with my grandparents and I know that sounds very risky with the CoronaVirus, but neither of them are in their 60s yet and I haven’t left my house in three weeks now, before we were told to isolate. Is this the right decision though? 

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Re: Issues with my Dad

Hi @LB-27, welcome to the forums!

 

I just want to check if you and your family are safe around your dad?

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Re: Issues with my Dad

Hi @LB-27

I can see how difficult it has been for you to get along with your father, particularly recently. Unfortunately, even though we look up to our parents to be representatives and role models of good behaviour, sometimes they haven't yet been able to work through their own negative responses. It can feel unfair and frustrating, especially when you feel like you are having to be the responsible one in the situation. Sometimes the best way to deal with this is to get some time and space away from each other, to avoid any triggering encounters. I think that it might be a good idea to stay with your grandparents, especially because there aren't a lot of ways to create distance at the moment due to this lockdown situation. 

I did want to clarify by the sort of things you have to deal with, with regards to your father's anger. Do you ever feel physically unsafe when he's around? 

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Re: Issues with my Dad

Hi
Thank you.
Yes, we are safe around him, he has never been violent towards us and I never think he would become violent. The problems for me end up being more mentally and emotionally.
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Re: Issues with my Dad

Thank you so much for your response. I don’t quite understand my Dad myself to be honest, but he had never been violent towards us. His anger becomes a way for him to put blame on me or my sister. He tells me i’m argumentative because I try to stand up for myself. When I’m talking to him in an ‘argumentative’ way, he will often respond the way you would honestly expect of a child. By mimicking me and then using the fact that he’s the adult to justify why he’s right and i’m wrong without actually showing me. At the moment, my Dads work hadn’t been stopped so i’ll think i should wait until then to really consider going to my grandparents, but it’s encouraging to know you too think it’s a good idea, so thank you Smiley Happy
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Re: Issues with my Dad

Hey @LB-27 , 

 

That sounds really hard with your Dad, it is an awful feeling when someone responds to us with mimicking or mocking us, and I can hear how tough it is for you to deal with his anger Smiley Sad

 

I have to say that I can really relate to what it's like growing up with a father that is so similar that you clash sometimes - that was definitely the case for me growing up, we can both be argumentative and stubborn, and there were times when we clashed a lot. As I got older we both got much better at staying calm, and talking to each other respectfully- but it can be tough. 

 

It's great to hear that you have the backup of your grandparents home as well. How does your mum cope when things get heated at home? 

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Re: Issues with my Dad

My Mum does help a lot of the time but it also seems that she’s ignoring how he acts a lot of the time too. My Dad has a very high view of himself, sometimes he jokes about it but at other times he forgets he’s not actually God. Also, if he’s done something clearly wrong towards us, i don’t mean anything physical,  and I call him out for it, he’ll go quiet but then tell me to do something and it really seems to be a way for him to regain control over me or show that he has control over me. I don’t know how i’m supposed to talk to him about it if he’s not willing to listen. 

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Re: Issues with my Dad

Hey @LB-27 - I used to argue with my dad a lot when I was younger too, and similar to @Janine-RO, it got better as I got older, partly because I learnt when to pick my fights I guess. For example, my dad expected me (but not my brother) to help with the dishes after dinner. When I was younger, I'd argue with him about it, but as I got older, I guess I just accepted that that was his view and I'd just help with the dishes - it wasn't worth the argument to me. All in all my dad was a good dad, so I just decided to let some of his traditional views go. I'm not sure that it's the same for you though. It imagine it would be very frustrating to have him do things to try and show that he has control. Him not listening would also be really hard. It would be frustrating to feel like you can't talk to him about stuff...

 

In terms of moving in with your grandparents, it's sort of tricky. I think it may be a good idea as a last resort. The reason I wouldn't rush to make that decision is in case your mum/dad become offended. I guess it might be a good idea to think about whether moving out would have a good result (i.e., he might become more aware of how his behaviour is negatively impacting you, miss you, and your relationship would improve) or a bad result (i.e., he may get offended and become bitter, which may further damage your relationship). So I guess you might have to consider what outcome is more likely, and if it is the latter, whether you would be okay with that outcome. Of course - you need to do what is right for you, but I feel like if I were you, it would be a last resort, and I'd want to consider the outcomes before acting.

 

All in all, is your dad a good dad? Can you list some positive things about him?

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Re: Issues with my Dad

I understand that he, as my dad, is in charge of me. I think i need to remind myself at times that it is a protection and it’s a blessing having my Dad. It feels overdone sometimes though, but like you said, maybe that’s just his view. Which isn’t putting me in real danger. Moving in with my grandparents will definitely be a last resort. I can list many positive things about my dad. I know he loves me, he provides for our family, he wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me. I don’t think he was shown the kind of affection a child needed, especially being a boy and have the stereotype that boys can’t have emotions, and so he might not know how to really handle the amount i have to be honest. But my Dad is there for me when I really need him, i’m glad you’ve asked me this. 

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Re: Issues with my Dad

Hey @LB-27 

 

Nice to speak to you.  You've written a wonderfully reflective post about your dad.  Despite some of the challenges you've had with him, you're able to see his positives.  You're also able to think about his upbringing, the fact that he may not have been shown much affection as a child, and subsequently find it difficult to handle emotions.  As you said, it can be difficult for men of that generation especially the stigma of 'being weak' if they show emotions Heart  You've highlighted perhaps the most important things: that he provides for your family and is there when you really need him.  Smiley Happy