It's that time again
I am back on here. Things got better and I told myself I wouldn't be back but I've learnt you can't plan everything or else it won't work out. This time I don't just have one issue. I have many little things that are happening all at once and it's making feel as if one massive thing was happening. So let's break this up.
My mum and I don't have an ideal relationship. Most times I can't tolerate her and she feels the same for me. But there are those glorious yet short moments where everything feels okay. We make jokes, laugh, go out together but then something happens and it's back to being on bad terms or dismissive and closed off. The stupid thing is that I always believe something will change for the better. But this time, I'm sure it won't. I have two cats and they get fed wet food for breakfast and dinner and have biscuits being delivered by an automatic feeder during the day. Well, the dry food was finished but the feeder was full. It was a Sunday when all the biscuits were finished from the feeder. I told my mum we had to get more on Monday she said wait till Tuesday and it wasn't until Wednesday that she went to buy more. My sister, who had moved out, told her that it had been finished since Saturday. So my mum was left to believe the false information that was that my cats had no dry food for almost 5 whole days. And even then it still was not my fault because I had said we had to buy more on a Monday. She called me that Wednesday morning, screaming over the phone "YOU ARE GROUNDED! MY CATS HAVE BEEN WITHOUT FOOD FOR ALMOST A WEEK. YOU CAN EAT BUT MY CATS CAN'T? WHAT IF I STOPPED YOU FROM EATING?" I understood she was mad but sometimes she goes too far with the things she says. A few days later my mum had bought some things for a wedding she was attending (this is important information). The day of the wedding, my back locked and had continued to be in a crazy amount of pain for the next two days. I told my mum my back hurt so I would appreciate if she didn't ask me to get anything I would have to bend down for. As she got ready for the wedding she had asked me to grab an insane amount of things. I had to bend down at least 12 times. At this point my back was crying for help. She finally asked me to grab her shoes, I fetched the wrong pair and when she asked me to get the right ones, I snapped. I had finally had enough. I told her to get them herself because my back was killing me. She pulled that classic pissed off face and turned on the silent treatment. We did not speak for a whole week. Not until Christmas.
A few days after that incident, my sister sent me screenshots of messages my mum had sent her that afternoon. It's a lot and I won't go into detail but it was something along the lines of "she's always jealous when I do things or buy something for myself"
I feel like I don't need to clarify that I've never gotten upset over things my mother had bought for herself but I'm going to anyway, I really don't get upset of that. I showed ny friends, who already know the situation with my mum, the screenshots and was left questioning everything about my life. I felt bad and guilty, like I was trying to drag my mothers name in the dirt. My friends were shocked at the things she had said and began to pity me. It's not an ideal thing to be pitied by your own friends but it really makes you reflect on what's normal between families and what you've just grown to deal with.
It was after this situation that I decided I'm going to work harder (if I could actually find a job) and save my money so I can move out. I don't want to cut ties with my mum. I truly love her. But I do think we both need time and space away from each other. I need to discover myself and grow as a person. I can't be stuck living with my mum, feeling this shame that she's had to end up with a such a bad daughter. That the good one left and I'm just there. But I still feel guilty about moving. My mum isn't married and I would be taking the cats with me. She'll be alone. I know it's time for me to put myself first but it feels so wrong.
Comments
Hey @tima ,
First, I am sorry to hear you are struggling at home. It sounds like a complex issue, and I want you to know that the range of feelings you have shared are all valid given whats going on.
I hope it's okay for me to share some of my experiences, as I notice that our situations are similar. I hope that a technique I learnt might also resonate with you.
TW: Difficult parent relationship.
I've had a similar personal experience, and so I understand that living with your Mum can be difficult to navigate at times, especially as your sister has moved out. Like you, my older brother moved out as a teenager, and I often feel like I am navigating a lot of emotional stress from my Mum, without the solidarity of my brother who could understand how Mum was and how it felt to live with her. Similar to your descriptions in your post and replies, I never felt that Mum truly listened, and trying to chat to her was so difficult- no matter the subject. Although, there would be times where our conversations are positive and happy- where I feel connected to Mum.
Like you had mentioned, I feel a lot of guilt for the desire to move out, leaving Mum alone, but also a lot of frustration about how she had treated me, and how she has not recognised the impact of her actions on me. Based on your post, I want you to know that you are navigating your current situation with a lot of thought and empathy for your Mum and that is commendable. This makes you the opposite of a 'bad daughter,' as even a stranger online can see that you have so much love for her and ultimately want to do what is right to continue your relationship.
Until you are able to move out, I wanted to share something I would do that helped me navigate living at home, because I know that it is exhausting to bounce between that feeling of guilt, and the frustration of what is happening.
I find myself to understand my feelings better when I write them out on paper similar to how you do, with your poetry, but sometimes in charts or scales. One thing I did that helps me to navigate living with my Mum, until I can move out is to map out what I can have control over and how I can stand my ground to do what is best for me.
On one end, I was feeling so frustrated and wanting to pull away, and the other was feeling guilty, and wanting to connect more. While it is natural to feel these intense emotions, I know that doing this for a prolonged period can wear us out so quickly. 😫
So, I tried to question what the middle ground of these two opposite ends would look like. For me, it was focusing on what would have the best possible outcome for me. I knew that being frustrated wouldn't benefit me long-term, because I wanted a relationship with Mum and loved her dearly. I also knew that feeling guilt wouldn't benefit me long-term, because I would not be acting in a true representation of my experience and the negative things that had been happening.
For me, the middle-ground was to gently set boundaries with Mum when things got a bit heated, or when I felt like she wasn't respecting me. As a random example, it could be calmly saying something like "Please don't raise your voice at me." I'll also share, just in case you relate to this, that my Mum sometimes would say in response "don't tell me what to do." Another way I learnt to navigate this was to re-word my boundaries to focus more on the action I would take if her behaviour continued. For example "If you keep talking to me like that, I will need to leave the room." I know that seems very basic, but I think that it is something that can often be forgotten when emotions are heightened. And, maybe putting these into practice consistently could help her realise that you no longer respond to what she is saying or doing in a emotionally reactive way.
I really hope that this helped, even a little bit. I can see that you are extremely strong to be dealing with this @tima, and like the other people who have responded have said. We are here for you! 💙
thank you so much for sharing your own experience. It definitely helps reading them and being aware that this isn't something I'm fully experiencing alone.
I have tried to set some boundaries. I don't quite have the patience to calmly reword what I intend to say. I do say things like "please don't raise your voice at me", "I need you to show me the same respect I show you", and "I am a person too". I'm also met with the same response "don't tell me what to do", "I'm the adult, I don't have to respect you", etc. I try to find the middle ground and I'm always the one having to be the level headed one. But it's sort of like my mum wants to fight because when I end the argument and disassociate she gets angrier. I've just decided to stay in my room as much as I can. I still see her and we hang out but it's still some space between us to keep us from trying to attack each other.
The one thing that's keeping me by while waiting to move out is imagining how I would decorate my own place, the shows I would finally be able to binge, the food I can learn how to cook, the times I'll have my friends over, the traditions I'll start. It may not be finding a middle ground with my mum that'll help but at least it'll be hope for a better chapter of my life.
Hey again @tima,
I'm sorry to hear what happens when you try to set boundaries. That must be really frustrating for you. I know I am when it happens to me.
It sounds like you have worked really hard to try and maintain peace at home, and I'm sorry that it isn't seeming to make an impact at the moment. I think your focus on mentally building your life in a new place out of home is an awesome mechanism to keep grounded and realise that this isn't forever. I think I'm going to start doing that too- so thank you for sharing!
From what I've heard from friends who have had tricky relationships with their parents as well, they found that living apart made a really positive shift in their relationships, I hope you eventually find that as well.
Like @PotatoLeaf said, I am keen to hear about any ideas for your home that you hope to do once you have moved out! I have a pinterest board for my dream home- do you have anything like that? 😁
Hope you're doing well today @tima ! We're always here for you. 🥰
I definitely have an insanely packed pinterest board. It's called 2025 🤞 and it's filled with layout ideas for any possible room i could have. I'm not sure what to call my "aesthetic" for the place but it's kind of boho but also chaotic and frazzled. I'm not the kind to have everything hidden in a closet so decor to me is having all my spices and coffee grounds, tea bags and sugar on display on the kitchen counters, a cute little tin full of ladles and whisks and other things, a very cluttered display on my fridge, a trinket filled with keys and random bits and bobs and cushions and throes on every sitting service. I love every little thing I own and I want my home to be filled with them, new things I know I'll like and photographs in photo frames. Also bean bags. I really want 2 bean bags.
I could go on and on about what I picture my place looking like but it would only make time go slower lol.
I love that!!! That sounds so lovely and home-y! I love trinkets as well. While it might make time seem to go slower, you can be sure that you are going to have a beautifully cultivated space down to the finest details! 🥰
I hope you have a great NYE tonight! I know that holidays could sometimes bring up arguments between my mum and I, so please reach out if you need to debrief at all.
😮 got any cool furniture ideas?
I hear ikea’s always a nice and reasonably affordable place to start ~ furniture is light and manageable
any colour schemes you wanna go for?
when my friend moved in her own place she had an idea to put up pictures of us to make it feel more homey, and she takes pride in this tiny succulent that’s slowly growing on her balcony
We’ve sort of started using her place as a hangout spot, and we’ve made lots of weird and wonderful memories already xD
definitely something to look forward to
Oh 100%. I previously wanted to be an interior designer so I'm very excited about being able to create my own space filled with thing I love.
I'm now 18 and I desperately want my space to feel more mature. I do want photos of friends and family around but my plan is to get painting and stuff from kmart and ikea for the walls and put all personal photos and momentous on the fridge. Another idea I had is when my friends come over for the first time we do a painting swap thing and I can hang them all up. I also plan to have little warm lights everywhere since I don't cope well with harsh bright lights. I am also a plant lover but never know how to keep them alive so I'm okay with having artificial plants here and there. I also have two cats so I'd feel more relaxed knowing my fake plant couldn't possibly be harmful to them.
As far as furniture goes, I'm going to buy from kmart and ikea. As much as I dislike having to build ikea furniture, they have really great things. Everything depends on what kind of apartment I can snag. If it's a studio, I'll get a sofa bed and have a cute basket next to it for my blanket and pillows when it's used as a sofa. But of course, if I manage to get a room I'll have a bed. To be honest, I'm most excited about the kitchen. I love a good iced drinks corner and a spice rack. It's all very exciting and I can not wait till I find a place and am confirmed to be moving in. Cause then I can get down to all the tiny details.
Hi @tima,
I'm so sorry you've been going through that. It must be such a difficult time for you, especially since what's causing your pain is your mum. There's a saying that came to my mind while reading your post: "As a woman, I have so much empathy for my mother, but as a daughter I have so much anger."
TW: Trauma
I have also had a rocky relationship with my mum, where I grew up in a strict Asian household. My mum has an all or nothing way of thinking - when she gets mad, she gets REAL mad, to the point where I was constantly living in fear of the next time I'll stuff up because I was so afraid of her explosive reactions. When I first opened up to her about something traumatic that happened to me, she essentially blamed it on me and made a comment that seemed like she only cared about our family's image and how the event would taint it. Despite this, we still shared some lovely moments, similar to your situation. I love her so much, but boy does she cause me a lot of stress and anxiety.
It's perfectly normal to feel the way you do right now. Feeling angry at your mum especially with the way she treated you (it wasn't okay for her to yell at you through the phone and her making those hurtful messages about you), but at the same time feeling guilty for being mad at her. She's your mum; these feelings are going to be complex. If you were a person looking in from the outside, you'd also be shocked at the way you're being treated by her, but as her daughter, of course you still love her.
Have you tried having an open conversation with her, and expressed all the ways she has hurt you? It can be a potential wake up call for her to change her ways, especially since she is causing pain to her own child.
And in no way are you a bad daughter for wanting to move out. You seem like an amazing daughter, trying to navigate this rocky relationship with her mum, experiencing life for the first time, and simply doing the best you could as a young person. I know it may feel wrong to move out, but if your gut is telling you that you both need space, you should listen to it. And perhaps you will both have the space to grow as individuals 🙂
I hope you're okay and I wish you all the best. You are not alone. 💗
Thank you so much for sharing as well. I love this poem, I've seen it many times and often write poems of my own as a form of therapy and it's gotten to the point where I could form a book.
I have tried many times to talk to her about this relationship between us but when I get angry I tend to cry. She never can talk to me if I cry. She's never said anything about it but I can see the judgement on her face. I wear my heart on my sleeve and even though I grew up in a closed off household, where everyone kept to themselves, I really treasure communication and will always voice my feelings and thoughts if it's an important time and moment. But I can never do it with her. She won't listen, ever. She always tries to point blame or find a reason when I just need her to understand that something complex is happening and it needs space. there's no point trying to find the root if a solution is clear. I don't know when we started to become distant but it's what it is.
I'm 100% moving out. I feel a lot of feelings all the time and if I feel guilt after moving, I know that feeling won't last. I'm doing what's best for me and what will help my relationship with my mother. She also knows I need to move out, she's said it herself. I just dread having to converse about the reality of it all.
Hi tima and happymunchkin:)
Thanks for sharing guys, I love poems too. If there's any you'd like to share feel free to ❤️
That's so true, I also like to communicate openly and calmly whenever an issue arises, but I find that some close ones (especially parents/ older generations, in my experience) don't approach communication the same way - or rather sometimes, they don't know how.
I'm just taking a guess here, but I feel like I've had similar convos that try to work through issues end up becoming emotional. Things get heated easily and the person I'm talking with stops listening and starts saying more hurtful things because in the moment, they're most interested in getting their feelings across before considering anything else. It's hard not to take it to heart and understandably hearing things like that would make you feel angry (for me, I guess betrayed and frustrated by how a parent could behave in a way I felt was immature, rather than work with me on the issue in a more cooperative way). I've also experienced like an internal tug of war between trying to be the calm and collected person and letting loose to cry and/or yell back. Does this somewhat resonate for you?
If so, I'd like to share that it often helps me to think about what may be behind the way they are acting or the things they're saying. I probably can't go into specific examples here, but I found that it usually helps to think something like 'they are a loved one, and at the end of the day we are dear to each other. But gee I wish they had a better way of expressing their emotions, and could work through issues in a more effective way"
I get the hoping for things to get better. It's hard because in life things don't usually miraculously improve - there's up days and down days and each time things go downhill, it can feel a bit hopeless. I really admire how you took the time to calmly approach this in retrospect, breaking up a big thing into its components, acknowledging how the little things can accumulate to become overwhelming, and your sense of perspective is amazing. It's honestly a skill and I believe it means you're quite mature and self-sufficient, and you're set for a lot of things in life
It's totally understandable that you feel guilt for moving out, and also very true that the feeling will pass, especially since both you and your mum have probably thought it's for the best. Ngl, i'm a bit young so I haven't experienced moving out yet, but we will be here if you feel like chatting more and need some emotional support through it. Big changes always come with a bit of uncomfortable uncertainty and they take time to adjust to.
I find in relationships that have gotten a bit cramped and heated, that a bit of space can help people focus on what's really important. Perhaps this is a step in the direction for things to get better ❤️
Hi everyone,
Thanks for sharing your experiences, you guys are awesome for expressing your feelings and being articulate about it.
I completely understand crying when getting angry because I’m the same. Honestly, I struggle with confronting people and I often just let the issues pass because I don’t want to cry in front of them and I get afraid about how they’ll react. It is so true that things get heated easily in conversations where we try to work through issues and both sides may feel defensive. I think it’s because it’s such a vulnerable position to be in where we have to bare our feelings to someone. I find that it is especially difficult to communicate with family. They are supposedly the closest to us but it is also that fact that makes it hard because we get worried that talking to them about how their actions have been affecting us may sever the relationship.
I really admire how you’re handling the situation with your mom @tima. You are well aware of the problems and you come up with possible solutions that you think will be best for the both of you. You value communication and it sounds like you have been trying your best to communicate with her. It’s sad to hear that you feel shame and think that your mom ended up with the bad daughter because you’re not a bad daughter at all. I think you’re such a brave and amazing daughter for acknowledging what’s wrong and still considering how your mom will feel even when it’s time for you to put yourself first.
I wish you all the best and I hope things get better soon. It sounds like you have a plan for what to do next – that’s great! I’m sure everything will soon fall into place. As @happymunchkin and @PotatoLeaf said, you’re not alone and we’re here if you wanna chat and need some support 💙
