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Just felt really bad

On Sunday night I was pretty crap and I hurt myself. I haven't done that in a while, I haven't felt bad enough to do it. But I'm not really sure what happened, I just felt like everyone was suggesting things to help but I couldn't use them, it was like I was screaming inside and everything was so busy inside my head I couldn't even think properly, I just wanted all those messed up feelings to disappear and that's why I used self harm. I knew what I was doing and I couldn't stop myself. I feel a little better about it now, knowing that was just a bad night it doesn't have to mean I have gone backwards but my brain keeps telling me that's not true - it's saying that its evidence I've gone backwards and I'm not doing as well as I was. 

I just don't know what happened on Sunday to make me feel like that. I'm ashamed of the fact that I hurt myself again. I feel so small. 

 

//You can stay afraid, or slit the throat of fear and be brave//

Re: Just felt really bad

@Craycray17
//You can stay afraid, or slit the throat of fear and be brave//

Re: Just felt really bad

Hey @j95, thanks for the tag.

I really like how well thought out and explained this post is. In comparison to Sunday I feel like this has a lot of reasoning and reflection behind it. Not that it's not great to talk about it in the moment, but it's nice to see your insightful side look back on the anxious side that was probably taking the reigns on Sunday.

It's so shitty when you lose your streak. Especially when it's been a long time since the last SH episode, and how much praise and admiration you can receive for the streak when people know about it.
I always felt like I was letting myself down (and even those who knew and encouraged my recovery) when I did it after a period of not self-harming.

Whilst it's definitely possible to stop an unhealthy coping mechanism cold turkey, it's also extremely unrealistic for a lot of people. Sometimes the slip ups or sad moments are actually important parts of recovery.

The battle you're describing between your thoughts of 'its a part of recovery and it's okay it happened' and your thoughts of 'its stopping your recovery' sounds tough either way.

Which side of this battle do you think you're on most, or agree with most? And which side of the battle do you think the feeling of shame is coming from?
we are what we repeatedly do - aristotle

Re: Just felt really bad

I don't know @Craycray17 there is a difference between how I want to feel and what my brain is telling me.

I want to feel like it's a part of recovery and isn't setting me back any further but the thoughts about it stopping recovery and that its getting worse are taking over, even though I don't agree.

I think the feeling of shame is coming from having so many people in my corner and feeling like I'm letting them down because I'm getting worse at coping (even though I don't agree I'm getting worse but it's the thought, as I said above)
//You can stay afraid, or slit the throat of fear and be brave//

Re: Just felt really bad

It's really awesome that you're disagreeing with those thoughts @j95 even though it sounds difficult to keep having the thoughts. It sounds like you're on the right path with challenging them.
____________________#iftoastershadfeelings____________________

Re: Just felt really bad

I don't know why but it's all happening again. I can't do this again, once was enough.
//You can stay afraid, or slit the throat of fear and be brave//

Re: Just felt really bad

@j95 is there anything you wanted to talk about or any strategies that have helped when you've felt like this before.
===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: Just felt really bad

Hey @j95 what's going on for you tonight? I think @redhead is on to something with drawing upon strategies as well. Hope you're safe, let RO know how you're doing when you can.

Re: Just felt really bad

@j95 your ability to reflect on what happened on Sunday shows you have so much strength and are definitely on the right track towards recovery as @craycray mentioned. Is there anyone (family member or friend) that you could talk to at the moment to discuss how you are feeling? What strategies have worked for you in the past? (I know watching a funny TV show or vids on youtube tends to help me)

Re: Just felt really bad

It's like I need space from everyone like I can't do any of those strategies I just want to scream, I'm so tense, I can't breathe @May_ @Bree-RO @redhead
//You can stay afraid, or slit the throat of fear and be brave//