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Just therapeutically telling my problems

So before I start I just want to say hi Smiley Happy I am new to the whole thing and not really sure how to go about it... but I thought a good way to start would be just to write down my problems. It has been something I have thought about doing for a fair while... so here is as good a place as any to go about it. I warn you... This will be long Smiley Tongue I hope it all makes sense but feel free to ask if you do not get something... sorry if it is convoluted I just am not a good story teller.. If this is in the wrong area or should be moved.. please let me know.

 

So I don't really know where to start... so I will just dive in and see how this turns out. I am depressed. I hate the fact that I am but it is true.. The real reason for this is often clouded to me.. I mean I have had a lot happen to me in the last month to really bring it out... but before I had no real reason to be depressed.. it is just something I have always dealt with in one form or another. As I said though in the last month it has really hit me hard as my life sort of fell apart around me.. which I will attempt to explain.

 

So I will try and give a bit of background about myself. I am 18 and have just finished school. I live at home.. I do not have a job just yet but I am getting there. I have some of the greatest friends in the world. I overreach in my goals... I have always thought of myself as someone who is smart and good at school.. but the last year has proven me wrong with that as I got shit grades and feel like I have lost a lot of my intelligence. I am very tall, skinny and have a deformity commonly called pigeon chest (basically my rib-cage sticks out a lot) which among other things has left me with a rather crippling self image. I live in a small country town so meeting people is a bitch. I have really shitty internet (yes that is important to me DSmiley Happy. I have never been in a relationship or anything close... and um.. I think that is it? sorry it is so all over the place but I do actually hate describing myself :\

 

So I will start from the start. All throughout primary school I was a sook... like to stupid levels.. I would cry at the drop of a hat (probably literally). This led to a fair few social problems really.. I still had friends but I struggled with them and found it impossible to make more.. As I moved into highschool I was rather lucky.. I got thrown into a new group of friends and really got to meet a lot of new people.. but it never really changed the way I was at least.. in about year 10, I have a rather bad memory, I was seriously considering changing myself... but for all my talk of becoming a better person I just could not do it. I lacked the motivation to fix myself... Then I gained it.

 

My motivation came in the form of a new girl that I met... and fell for stupidly hard. So I met this girl.. eh I probably should make up names but I will just confuse myself so bugger it. I met Ebony sometime in year 10... and I really don't know what drew me to her but I instantly fell for her.. I never really talked to her properly for a few months but I really did like her.. she seemed so funny, smart, pretty and into the same things as me like games and stuff.. So before I decided to talk to her I told myself that I would fix myself.. I finally got the motivation to fix myself.. I started caring about my looks a bit. I was as happy as possible.. I talked more.. Just a lot of smaller things that I fixed.. None of it really mattered to anyone else... but it was all a serious confidence boost to me.. I cant remember in the end when or how I started talking to her.. She just slowly became friends with my friends and I worked up the courage to talk to her a bit... She was every bit as amazing as I had imagined... and probably more.. I was completely taken. Then I found out she was in a relationship.. and had been for three years.

 

If I am honest this hurt me a lot less then I would have predicted.. I just took it in stride and worked on becoming friends with her, I never truly abandoned the idea of being with her I just put it in the back of my mind and it slowly faded away. All through year 12 once we had became closer friends I took and made any excuse to see her... whilst we never saw each other out of school I would find a way to spend time with her everyday.. which is pretty much how my last year of highschool went.

 

So about 2 months ago I finished Year 12, scraping through and getting a just high enough ATAR to get into Uni, and I thought I had the next year planned out. It was simple really. I was going to move in with three of my closest friends to a nearby city once I could get a job.. these plans fell apart because of what has happened recently though.. leaving me stuck at home... anyway I digress I will get to that when the time comes.. So as the year ended three important things happened... Ebony and her boyfriend fell apart and she confided in me and sought my help, I was able to spend a lot more time with her because she moved closer to me because of this... and me and my closest friends organised a camping trip in celebration of finishing school.

 

Now I had been noticing since school that I had been having trouble with my friends... whenever I was with them I could not pinpoint why I kept getting angry or upset.. I kept it all to myself and tried to work through it but it really scared me that I was losing the only thing that made me happy... which was my friends... So as the camping trip approached and I hung out with Ebony more and more I found that I felt more for her than I ever wanted... I tried to think nothing of it, knowing that she was fresh out of a long relationship and I should give her time.. So I never wanted to do anything.. Just be there for her. But I put myself through hell everytime I helped her with her boyfriend... when she rang me saying she had broken it off... I was happy.. Which made me absolutely despise myself.. but I kept saying that I needed to be there for her no matter what my motives were. The closer to camping we were the harder it became to be without her... my only happiness came from when I was around her and my other times just became a mixture of frustration and hating myself for liking her..

 

So camping rolled around... and the weekend that should have been the best in my life quickly turned into one of the worst... I ripped myself apart about needing to tell her.. I knew she would turn me down... yet over and over I ran scenarios in my head and beat myself up over what to do... this led to me spending the first day in a very shit mood.. That night I was sitting in a tent really upset and Ebony and Cathy came to talk to me because they were extremely worried about me... So I began to break down to them.. I never mentioned the fact I liked her... but I broke down about my confidence issues... about how much I wanted a relationship... about how bad things seemed to be getting at home with me wanting to move out and my mum always being angry with me.. almost everything else that was wrong with me... we talked and they tried to help me as much as they could... one thing stood out to me though... I kept saying, which I still believe, that no girl had ever shown interest in me... and that none ever considered me for relationships and all that jazz.. her reply shocked me.. she said that she had considered going to graduation with me instead of her boyfriend.. because she enjoyed my company so much.. At first this made me happy.. and cheered me up slightly for the night.

 

The next day my mood slowly darkened as I began to fight with myself again... I took what she said to me wrongly.. as much as I tried not to.. I took it as she liked me more than she did... so after the entire day of fighting against myself I confronted her... in another session of me breaking down... I told her I had feelings for her... and her answer was what I predicted... whilst she loved being my friend... she did not want a relationship now... with anyone.. and that whilst nothing is impossible she did not feel for me that way... for a while this actual cheered me up in a weird way... it took away the insane amounts of pressure I was putting myself under and helped me relax... so for a while it worked.. So after camping everyone started finding out I liked her.. which bothered me.. and I started falling worse for her.. but I tried to leave good enough alone. I broke down often to her about my problems, which included her, but she did everything she could to help.. and this went on for a few weeks..

 

After a while I found out the most self destructive news I have ever heard.. whilst talking to one of my friends about, once again, how nobody had ever had feelings for me.. he told me that someone had. When I pressured him for more information he said that Ebony had once like me.. back when we were first getting to know each other.. and she just did nothing about it because she was with someone else.. now I know it was probably just a insignificant crush to her.. but I took this news so very, very hard.. It screamed at myself and tore through every single memory I had of her trying to find what I had done to lose her interest.. now whilst I am in a better mood I know that it was nothing I did.. she just got over her feelings.. but in a bad mood.. I was killing myself trying to find out what I did to lose her..

 

Ran out of words... part 2 in comments.

 

 

 

 

Re: Just therapeutically telling my problems

Then the day after this happened I found out that she and one of my closest friends were getting together... I suppose I took this news better than some would.. I was happy for them since they are both great people and I wanted to see them happy. My friend had been through a lot recently and deserved a good relationship... but my happiness for them could not last.. I became very angry and very spiteful of him.. He was recently new to out group and had only met most at camping ... and I felt it horrible that he had managed to win ebony's affections after a week even though I had tried for years and years... but even after I lashed out and yelled at him.. he just understood and forgave me... This continued for a few weeks were I would lash out and him or her and they would just sit through it and do what ever they could to help. A week ago today I was starting to deal with shit a tiny bit better.. I was forcing myself to stop lashing out at my friends no matter what for fear of losing them and I was dealing with it a tiny bit better... I went out to a friends 18th and was actually a lot happier then I normally was when I went out... so the night went on and I felt a little funny so I asked Ebony to talk for a bit to try and work out what to do... So we talked and I said I was feeling a bit freaked out by the party and that I was not sure what to do.. she tried to help me for a bit and told me to either come in and commit to having fun or just go home.. as I thought it over and cried a little ( yeah I cry over everything) she said the thing I had been dreading the most and doing absolutely anything to avoid... She told me she thought it would be a good idea not to see her until I got over her... I completely lost it and broke down.. I was losing my closest friend, my support, the only thing that brought me happiness.. I could not lose her but she insisted we no longer see each other... So I left in a near fit and went home.. Now whilst seeing her less probably is a good thing for me.. Seeing her not at all raises problems in itself.. First off and probably most important in the long term.. I could no longer move out with her and my other friends... which meant I am not stuck home with no way of getting out... As well as that... I can no longer see a lot of my friends because of her... we always hung out in groups.. which now I am not welcome to because they would rather see her and not me.. people kept insisting this would not happen but as I will explain in a bit that has happened. So I sat at home... numb to everything trying to deal with it... on monday I came to the acceptance of not seeing her... at least a bit.. and decided to not message her and avoid her as much as I could.. I was happy with my decision and I accepted it... then I started a conversation with one of my friends called Jo. He was checking up on me and making sure that I had not talked to her... whilst he was trying to help the conversation with him beat me down so very low that I felt on the verge of breaking... he told me a lot of horrible things that I did not want to hear from him about stuff that people were thinking and doing about me... But I managed to hold on... Until near the end of the conversation I got a message from Ebony... the first since the party... saying that she was going to block me from facebook for my own good... Once again on that night I completely lost it and had a panic attack... I could not understand why I was being punished by her even though I was doing everything I could to respect her wishes... Once again this sent me into a few horrible days of depression... which I slowly built back up from again... only to be knocked down once again a few days later... I had organised to go to the city with my friends to see my friend that was dating Ebony... I had triple checked that Ebony was not going and slept the night before thinking I was going to be able to see my mates with worrying about her (because a few days before I had not been able to go to the city because she went but I let that go because she organised it first). I woke in the morning to see a status from my friend asking if anyone wanted to go to the city with him, my other friend....... and Ebony... No mention of me... I was so very offended that they had ditched me for her.... and that is pretty much where I am atm.. I cannot see the girl I love until I get over her, and I get saying I love her is stupid because I probably do not know what it is.... but I feel that way, I cannot see my friends because she is almost always with them, I cannot move out so I am stuck home in my shitty small town, I cannot get over her quick enough because I feel so much for her... so I cant fix this.. I cannot see her to even pretend I am over her because she refuses to talk to me... I am hanging on by nothing anymore... I feel as if I have nothing left...... no goal and nothing to look forward to except pain.... So this is my story... I dont know that else to say really... any comments or questions could be nice Smiley Happy thanks for reading.

Re: Just therapeutically telling my problems

Hey Xaunaught,

Welcome to the forums! Smiley Happy

Firstly, well done in sharing this, I don’t think it would have been easy. It is long but very insightful and in depth.

 

I’m not really sure how to word what I want to say, though I’ll do my best Smiley Happy

The first thing I noticed is there way you described your feelings. To me they sounded intense and hard to cope with, am I right in saying this? It got me thinking and I think this factsheet might have some good info for you to read through. (Attached at the very bottom, because I’m too lazy to try and put it in the text Smiley Tongue)

 

Falling for someone and realising they are in a relationship is hard, the same with finding out your crush and friend are starting together.

With your friends ditching you for Ebony, is it possible to re-establish some of these friendships without her? I know you said you all hung out in one big group, but I wonder whether it’d be possible to catch up one to one, or you and two other mates. Explaining that you’d like to still be friends, and work on the relationship, and let it grow?

 

I’m not sure what else I can say.

Would you consider seeing someone? Maybe your gp? And talking through how you felt about all of this and finding a way to recover from it, because it sounds like it’s really affected you – probably more than what you bargained for?

KHL is a really great service that is available for young people to contact and talk. I’ve found them really helpful in the past year and a bit. Their number is 1800 55 1800.

 

Again I’m not sure what else I can really say. I hope this has helped in some form of way. I’ve added some links to some factsheets below, that might be of some use to read over Smiley Happy Best of luck, and maybe you can come back and tell us how things improve Smiley Happy

 

Here's two stories Beating this Negativity & Recognising something was wrong

A factsheet Self-help..

And a link to a sub-vission of factsheets and stories on Friendships


Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

Re: Just therapeutically telling my problems

Hi Xaunaught,

 

Wow. That is some letter- and I bet it feels great to put your feelings down in writing.

 

While I do feel sad for you about what is going on, I notice you add a bit of humour in your story and can feel that you are a pretty well-liked, nice guy. You say, you got "lucky" with your group of friends- but I am sure this is not the case. You probably have a great personality. Take some credit!

 

I can see that you are struggling with yourself. You know you are suppose to act a certain way about this Ebony situation, but your emotions take over. You sound as if you don't trust yourself around her, and to control these feelings.

As Ebony has requested some space, I think this should be respected. This must be difficult for her as well. She has broken up with a long-term boyfriend, has a new boyfriend, and most likely some pressure and confusion about her relationship with you.

 

Try to stay in touch with your other friends and do things on a one-to-one basis such as going to the cinema. If the "group" thing is awkward, try this approach. You say you have some "great" friends so they should stick by you now. They most likely do not want to take sides. Keep the conversation light, and avoid dwelling and talking about Ebony.

 

Now is the time to get busy and do something else. Get a pet or walk a neighbour's dog, join a community group, do a new activity, hobby or sport that you can focus on. Anything to keep your mind occupied. You say you are "almost there" with the job front, and this can be an area of focus.

Be confident and hold your head up high, and go about your business- and your friends will no longer feel awkward about this situation and in time- gravitate back to you.

 

When you feel confident enough and feel you are in control of your emotions, talk to Ebony about this situation. Explain to her you wish to remain friends and be part of the group (if this is how you feel). The relationship may be different, but if it is worth salvaging, have a go. Try not to involve others, plan what you are going to say. Maybe invite her out for a coffee. Even writing her a letter, and not sending it, is a good way to express your feelings, if the timing is not right.

 

Be aware that things can get taken out of context and misunderstood on Facebook....

 

They say time heals all wounds, and although it is a cliche, it is very true. Hopefully you will meet someone new as you seem a most genuine and likeable guy. It is great that you have already experienced this beautiful feeling of love, as some people go through their lives not ever finding it! and I am sure there is someone else out there for you.

 

You seem to be extremely aware of (in touch with)  your own feelings and behaviour, and have already made adjustments over your life. Adaptabilty is a great coping trait to have!

 

Hold your head up high, remember the positives not negatives  and REMEMBER- time heals.

 

Best of Luck

Binki

Re: Just therapeutically telling my problems

Hi Xaunaught,

Welcome to RO. Thanks for coming here and sharing your story and for taking the time to write so much and give so much of  yourself in your first 2 posts!

I'm sure you'll find a job soon - it can be tough after just finishing school, there are so many decision to be made, it can seem a bit daunting, huh?!

You say you're 'depressed' but I'm not sure if you mean you're feeling down or if you've had a doctor actually diagnose you with depression? If you feel like that is something that's really impacting you, I'd really recommending seeing a doctor (it can just be a local GP, don't think it's something big & scary!). You can also call Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 to talk to them - it's a free service and totally anonymous - but it might help you to talk some of this through with someone.

You say you were a sook in primary school - well I wasn't, but I was in high school! Gah, my emotions were so fragile and I couldn't do anything about it but burst into tears! I look back now with a lot of life experience behind me, and I wouldn't have changed how I was though, because that'd change who I am now. Smiley Wink There's nothing wrong with showing your emotions though, if you push them down inside you might explode some day (you've heard about those mysterious cases of spontaneous combustion, right? Smiley Wink ).

A massive part of growing up is learning to like yourself and find the things that make you proud to be who you are. At 18, there are not many people with excessive self esteem or self confidence - there are a lot of people who cover their insecurities by being obnoxiously loud and outgoing though, they're so convincing! But most are in the same boat as you!!

I know it's not much of a consolation, but we all go through heartbreak at least once in life, and a few times more just for good measure. I think if you got so much out of being friends with Ebony, it might be best to continue that way. It's hard to push those feelings aside, but you don't want to lose a good friend Smiley Happy

I know so many people have probably already said it, but if you go looking for love, pursuing it - it often slips away. Whereas if you just go on living your life and pursuing your own happiness, it will usually find you. And as I've found out - you often don't find the sort of love you thought you were looking for.

Life is an interesting journey - and you're just beginning! Smiley Very Happy you seem very self aware, and introspective and that shows a lot of maturity. I honestly think you're quite a few steps ahead of some of the folks you probably envy right now. I hope you can find just a little solitude within yourself, maybe find some new activities where you can start meeting new people and just doing stuff that you enjoy doing - just because you enjoy doing it (it's one of the joys of being a grown-up and being done with school!). Hang out with the good friends you already have as well and just enjoy being an 18 year old.

Good luck, come back soon and let us know how you're doing!!
JD.

Re: Just therapeutically telling my problems

Hey Bee.

First of all thank you for the fact sheets and stories they are very insiteful and helpful. On the subject of seeing my friends I am doing that as much as I possibly can.. it is just rather hard lately. The other problem is whilst I can see my other friends as much as I want... it does not really compensate for losing her as a friend as she was by far my closest friend.. she knew how to help and what to say and all that jazz.. which I miss more than anything else really.

 

On the whole getting help thing.. I am getting help.. I have had a session with a doctor and I am booked in to see someone in a few days because you are right... everything that has happened hit me a hell of a lot harder than I could have ever expected and has damaged me in ways I never thought possible.. so I am trying help.. it is just very slow going.

Re: Just therapeutically telling my problems

Hey Blinky.

 

Thanks for taking the time to reply Smiley Happy

I would honestly say I did get lucky with my friend group. I do not contribute that much to it, and in recent months have done more to harm it, but they all stick by me for some stupid reason.

 

You are right, I am struggling with myself. I am supposed to act a certain way around her but when I try either I or someone else screws it up. But as I say that I do trust myself around her, I can control my shitty feelings for her I would just like her back as a friend. I get I probably will not be able to handle seeing her and her boyfriend together just yet but that is easily avoidable in the end. As much as I want and try to respect that you say that she would have confusion because of me which I really do doubt... she is an increadibly strong person and the only reason she is doing this is because she thinks it will help me and keeps getting told to by some of my friends as well.

 

When I am with my friends I do try to keep the conversation light. WIthought Ebony as my rock though, because she has supported my throughtout this past few months with everything. I have no one to really talk to about all of this... so I am starting to go a little stir crazy with myself.. So sometimes it just comes out whether I want it to or not.

 

I do try to distract myself as much as I can.. but where I live and my stage of life there is not very much to do it with. Hopefully I will get a job soon as I am focusing on that as much as I can. Being confidence and keeping my head help high is one of the hardest things for me. I had very low confidence at the best of times, so now in my lower ones I have none. I feel I have nothing to be confident about really.

 

I know time heals all wounds.. and I accept that. I just wish I could remain her friend whilst time healed them :\. As much as I get I will eventually meet someone and all that jazz... I struggle with the idea of still being alone to me. It means a lot, A really stupid amount to me, that I am now alone. Yet I have no real chance of getting out of this phase for a very long time.. I just cannot see that being in love has been a good thing. It has caused me to lose almost everything in my life.. If I could take back my feelings and not have had them I would no matter what.

Re: Just therapeutically telling my problems

Heya Jay-Dee.

 

Thanks for the detailed reply Smiley Happy

 

Yeah finishing school can be a bit daunting... especially when my plans fell apart and I thought I had it all figured out.

 

I have been to a doctor and diagnosed with depression. I have only had one session and have not worked much out but I at least know that it is true.

 

I hate showing my emotions to be honest. All it has led to is me losing a hell of a lot in my life. I did fine pushing them down for a few years but like you said... they always come up. (Thankfully not as spontaneous combustion Smiley Frustrated )

 

I get a massive part of growing up is accepting yourself and liking yourself. I find it completely impossible to like myself... I just cannot see anything to like and that is just backed up by the way people see me to. Nobody ever considers me for relationships and all the junk because of who I am. I just do not appeal to anyone like that. I get that lot of people do not have much confidence as well.... but most have reason to. My biggest insecurity is the fact people are not interested in me, as I have said before, yet everyone else I know does not have that problem. 

 

I get everyone goes through heartbreak.. that is why I hate how badly I have dealt with it unlike my friends.. You are right I did get a lot out of being friends with Ebony. I built up my confidence, made more friends and was a generally better person. The problem is I attached all of these things to her without even noticing. So when she left. All of that left too.

 

I do not really see how you say I am mature Smiley Frustrated. I am the least mature person I know, well besides the really bad ones, as for finding new activities to meet people. It is hard to explain because you do not know where I live but I am rather stuck with who I can meet. The city is far away from me and meeting new people is just so impossible and strange to me. Lastly I find it hard to enjoy being 18 years old when I don't do much interesting with my life.. I was getting closer when I was friends with Ebony. She dragged me out to parties and helped me meet new people... but yeah Smiley Indifferent

 

Thanks again Smiley Happy I will keep you all posted.

 

 

Re: Just therapeutically telling my problems

Hey Xaunaught,
No problem, I find it quite relaxing sometimes just to spend a while reading other stories and factsheets, the hours I’ve spent doing that is amazing! Smiley Tongue
I guess that while you miss her, you’ve got to move on, and I know that it’s easier said than done. It’s hard, no it’s extremely hard to move on from someone that knew you so well, that knew how to make everything feel so much better! It will take time, it’ll be hard and there will be days where you just want her back, you just need her advice. One thing I’ve taken to, is putting myself on the outside and writing a letter to myself, like I was writing a letter to a friend, but it’s addressed to me, and it’s solely about what I can do to help myself. I find it helps sometimes to realise what needs to happen.
That’s great that you are getting help! That you’ve had a session, that is amazing, you should be proud of those efforts! Smiley Very Happy

Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart
Pip

Re: Just therapeutically telling my problems

Xaunaught

You sound like such a darling person. In my opinion you have the most painful human condition in existence; a broken heart. I have been in a car accident in which I broke my neck, got gravel rash on my entire back and had a bike spur go straight through my leg (all the way). I then spent 2 months in hospital and then a further 6 months in traction (to mend the bones in my neck). Without a dount in my mind my first heart break was 100x more painful than this ordeal. It has been 5 years since my heartbreak and I am happy to tell you there is an end in sight to seemly neverending termoil. Eventually the good days will become more plentyful than the bad. The other good news is that the first is the worst! any matter of the heart regarding disspointment will never be this bad again. Good luck Xaunaught!