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Just venting...

Hi, all.

I just wanted to kinda vent and get some thoughts down. I've been feeling really up and down at the moment, unfortunately however the 'ups' are me only feeling detached and indifferent, while the 'downs' are really, really down.

I'm so sick of COVID-19. All I see on social media is people telling others to ~stay productive!~ and I see everyone finding new ways to connect with friends. I sound incredibly selfish, but it's only making me feel worse. I've completely lost my routine, and I haven't absolutely no motivation to do... anything. Whether it's uni, or playing games I should enjoy. Nothing's really making me happy, and I mostly spend the day exhausted lying in bed.

I don't know why I can't just enjoy things. For example, I find myself starting to even dislike Animal Crossing, one of my favourite games, because it makes me so anxious I don't have the energy to create an amazing town and I don't have any friends to play with. Same with writing -- why did I base my entire identity around something I can't even do? I feel like every single person is super talented and interesting but me. 

I just feel like I'm always going to be trapped like this, with no hobbies or interests, nothing that really makes me happy, no friends... gahh.

Sorry none of this makes sense. 

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Re: Just venting...

I'm sorry things are so hard for you now @Hozzles ☹️ I just want to acknowledge that it's completely normal for a global crisis to not be when you're at your most productive or fulfilled. These are really scary and uncertain times.

 

I think some people are trying to deal with the uncertainty and grief over the way of life they've lost by trying to be in control or distract themselves or find positives... Which is fine, it's how they're processing things. But it's also ok to be feeling sad, worried, angry, tired, or unmotivated. Thinking of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, it's just become a heck of a lot harder for a lot of people to meet their physiological, safety/security and/or belonging needs... So it makes sense to not be able to focus on personal growth, gaining new skills or being creative right now.

 

Try and be kind to yourself ♥️ it's ok for this to be a time where you just focus on getting through it and looking after yourself, one step at a time. And you're definitely not alone in how you're feeling.

 

I'm also sorry you're feeling so bad about yourself ☹️ for the record I always love seeing that you've posted because you're so genuine and authentic, and insightful and kind.

 

Is there anything you can do to look after yourself today? It anything we can do to help? Sending you hugs and good vibes, we're here for you ♥️

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Re: Just venting...

Hey @Hozzles ,

 

Sorry to read your post.  The Covid-19 pandemic is so unprecedented and difficult, and it affects us all in different ways.  Certainly it's not much help reading 'stay productive' posts when that's the last thing on your mind.  

 

It sounds like you've lost your vibe a bit. I only say that because you've lost interest in things you usually enjoy.  That is pretty normal when we are feeling down.  When we're down we also tend to see everything through a negative lens (e.g., self) so what you're saying makes perfect sense.

 

Have you felt this way before?  If so, what helped you get through it?  Also, have you spoken to a GP or psychologist about this?  

 

We are all here for you so please continue to vent as you need Heart

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I'm so sorry you've been feeling like your moods are on a bit of a rollercoaster lately @Hozzles. Smiley Sad

I know you're not feeling this right now, but I think you're an amazing person and I feel so blessed to have known you. Heart
Do you think it would help to play games online with other people? I know games like Cards Against Humanity and the Jackbox games can be played online. We have a bunch of Jackbox games I'll be happy to play with you if you want someone to hang out with. Smiley Happy It's okay if you don't want to though.

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Hello @Hozzles ,
This does make sense to me! and its completely normal to be feeling abnormal during such an uncertain time.
Sometimes I feel this way too because I feel like I haven’t found a hobby yet - I don’t think Ive found something I am truly passionate about and it brings me to feel kind of the same way you described.. Oh and I can really relate to the animal crossing part, when I unlocked terraforming I had no idea what to do and I still don’t but I think if you just play around with it and do random things with cliffs and rivers that the creative juices will start flowin’
Anyways, I am not too good at advice but I think you shouldn’t put pressure on yourself or make yourself do things. Sometimes it’s good to give yourself time to do nothing and give yourself a break for a while and eventually you’ll feel a spark again for the things you enjoy doing.

I hope you feel better and that you know you’re not alone. If you would like friends on animal crossing there are some New Horizon discussion groups on Facebook that you could join if you like. I dont have internet at the moment so I am playing solo too.

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Re: Just venting...

Aww, thank you guys for all your kind words! Heart @WheresMySquishy I'll have to take up your offer some time, I'm blessed myself to be part of the amazing mod squad! And of course all of the RO community! Heart

@Symphony7 - I've joined some groups! It's such a nice community. Smiley Very Happy

I haven't been to a psychologist in a while @Ronan-RO, but this week my headspace was worried about me (I'm a part of YRG) so they set up a phone appointment for me (I would have done it myself but I'm so bad at the phone/ making calls, ahah). I just had an intake person to talk to since I need to revisit my GP before I can make regular psych appointments, but it was still really, really good. To be honest it was the first ever time I stopped censoring myself and let myself express my frustration fully to a psychologist, but he didn't seem to mind I was crying/ yelling at him and he calmed me down and made me feel heard! Heart I put forth the idea I outlined in my old thread about writing down a summary of the things that are hard to talk about so a psychologist can have my background and work up to talking about them, and he agreed it was a good idea. He suggested I should watch a really trashy movie/book this week, and just let myself enjoy it without beating myself up for wasting time/ analyzing everything/ etc. It was such good advice! 

Well, the most important update I guess is that I've been feeling really, really dissociate-y lately. Like I have felt floaty sometimes in the past but nothing like this. I keep losing track of time, can't remember when I started doing certain activities, keep feeling like my actions aren't entirely my own, like I'm outside of myself watching my body act... I can barely even describe it. Like to be honest I can't even remember when I started this thread lol, or anything I've done this week Smiley Sad earlier I was sitting with my Mum having a conversation, when suddenly I turned to her like... 'how long have we been talking? When did I sit here? Last thing I remember doing is lying on my bed playing video games'. It's so frustrating, I hope it goes away after COVID-19. Smiley Sad I'm not sure how I can ground myself.

I have two uni assignments due this week, and some moments I'm really confident in them, while other times I feel physically ill at the thought of it. My university just came out with a notice that there won't be numbered grades this semester, and the grades won't count towards your average make (so I'm thankful I'm just doing a lit unit, which doesn't count anyway towards the average mark I need to make psych honours). Still, I hope I can make it through next week in one piece, assignment times are the worst for my mental health. I should be fine as long as I'm taking care of myself... but I'm worried about my losing time thing. I got a two week extension on one of them but now one week has just gone by without a trace. Smiley Frustrated

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Re: Just venting...

Hey @Hozzles

 

It sounds like you've a lot of good and not-as-good things happen this week, so you should be really proud of yourself for getting through it all so well! 

I'm really glad to hear that you had such a productive phone call with headspace, and it is really incredible that you were able to open up to a psychologist, especially when you haven't been able to be as honest or vulnerable in the past. I agree that it's a fantastic idea to keep note of things that you sometimes struggle to talk about, and I can really see how using that as a tool could be incredibly beneficial for your therapy sessions. How'd you go with reading/watching that trashy book/tv show? Did you enjoy yourself? Is it something that you're keen to do again soon?

It does really suck that you've had to battle dissociative feelings recently, and they're something that can really put us in a bit of an emotional and mental tail spin. It makes a huge amount of sense that you've been dealing with this, because the current climate, and the lack of a normal schedule or routine can really mess with our sense of time. This can can then amplify into the sort of dissociative symptoms you've been describing. I know that some people find it helpful to try a keep a routine to help manage those sort of symptoms. This can be as simple as waking up and going to bed at the same everyday, or eating your meals at the same time. If you like, you can draw up a more in detail schedule that includes stuff like studying, cooking, etc. Have you tried anything like this in the past? Do you think it would be helpful for you?

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I'll try to your reply later @Andrea-RO, but for now I just need to get some thoughts down.

I'm just really, really struggling at the moment. I debated posting this at all because all I want is to go back being able to help people, but it's best to be transparent sometimes, and here offers really good support in this little community. Heart

The biggest thing at the moment is uni. I just don't know how to deal with it at the moment, it's really bad but I've kind of just been sitting there pretending it doesn't exist for a few weeks. I've been absolutely kicking myself for not deferring when I had the chance (if I do now I will fail the unit and it will affect my overall score... will probably fail anyway if I can't get assessments in but Smiley Frustrated), kicking myself for wanting to defer again and not being able to get through it and finally graduate, kicking myself for... everything. I can't physically write the assignments -- every time I sit down to write I look at the screen and I get physically nauseous and ill, and I start having anxiety attacks. It seems to get worse the longer time goes on. I just... want absolutely nothing to do with uni at the moment and I feel really, really stuck. Smiley Sad

There's also the COVID situation. I'm kind of in two minds about this... first of all, I kind of really afraid of isolation etc ending, because people have been really understanding and supportive during this time and I'm so afraid of what will happen once it ends. Like, I know uni would never be so lenient with my struggles if it weren't for this. But it's really hard to seperate what is and isn't caused by the situation... sometimes I feel like I'm just taking resources away from people who really need them, or are the most impacted acutely by COVID, while I know my problems are long-term and aren't going away afterwards. It really sucks. I also just don't know how I'll cope once everything is back... I know it will be very overwhelming having to be near people after so long of social distancing. But at the same time, like anyone else, I just hate that the whole world has to go through this... I feel bad for saying it, but I just hope the world will never be the same again, but in a good way. I hope people will be more understanding about mental health, and there will always be online alternatives for people who can't get out... I don't know.

I'm just struggling so much I feel like I have no real grasp on who I am anymore. Like, do I really want to go further in uni if I can't even submit an essay that I should be able to do? Am I even a writer? Who am I? I barely know what I do all day other than managing anxiety attacks. 

Like I always do in such times, I've been really trying to grasp at every single support available to me (I've contacted my GP about seeing a psychiatrist + psychologist, I contacted my uni disability support service, I've contacted my lecturers about support available, I've had appointments with my job seekers psychologist, I've talked to headspace, I've called lifeline...). I'm really, really trying to get through this, even if sometimes it feels as if I'm taking it hour by hour... I just don't know if I've exhausted my resources available. Self care etc doesn't really seem to work anymore, I just get increasingly overwhelmed. I'm safe, but I feel like it's getting harder and more taxing on myself to dismiss and not dwell on dangerous intrusive thoughts with every passing day. Smiley Sad 

Sorry if this doesn't make any sense, it's quite late and for some reason I have been always feeling worse at night. Thanks for reading, nonetheless. Heart

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I'm sorry things are still so hard @Hozzles ☹️ ♥️

 

It sounds like there's a lot of pressure that's really hard to cope with at uni. I'm so sorry you're going through that on top of everything else. I've had similar experiences where I've had times where my mental health was in an awful space and I just started ignoring all my uni responsibilities because it was too much which was awful. And times I've deferred (which was actually really good for me but it was disheartening seeing the end of my degree drifting further and further away).

 

One option you might have with uni is applying for a withdrawal without penalty if you decide you can't keep going with it atm. My uni's student services told me about it and with a form and a medical certificate I didn't get penalized for withdrawing after the penalty dates.

 

It's amazing how you've been reaching out to all your supports, I'm really glad and that shows so much strength. 

 

I think the sentiment of hoping the world will never be the same again but in a good way is really beautiful and I agree.

 

Thank you so much for sharing what you're going through with us, I hope it helped a bit. I'm really sorry it's so painful. Keep looking after yourself, and we're all here for you ♥️

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Aww @Hozzles I'm so sorry you're feeling so low at the moment. There is so much going on for you and it sounds like you're really overwhelmed. With your uni, is there are student support service that you can get in touch with? I wonder if there's any options they can explore with you. There are times when study has to take the back seat while and that is totally okay. I've done that myself a bunch of times - Uni will always be there and there is no rush. 

 

As for the COVID stuff, I totally relate. There are so many emotions that come with this global experience we've all been through. It's surreal, scary, lonely and also has the potential to improve the world going forward - I also hope that people learn important things about mental health from this. I know it's hard but I want you to know that everyone who has been impacted by this no matter how big or small deserves support. 

 

I think it's important not to judge yourself in such a difficult and unprecedented time. Writing an essay in the midst of a global pandemic would be so hard, that doesn't mean that you aren't a writer or able to finish your degree. It just means that right now your goals might need to change for a little while until things have settled. 

 

You mentioned that self-care is hard to do at the moment and I also relate on that front. I feel like the things that would usually pick me up aren't doing quiet the same thing. What I've been trying is accepting that right now I might just want to lay around and eat my favorite food and watch Netflix and while that might not be my typical approach to well being, right now the most important thing is that I get through this hard time. Do you think giving yourself permission to not be as productive with uni/life would help?