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Re: Just venting...

Thank you everyone again for your support. Again, I just need to get things off my chest so sorry that I can't really respond directly right now, I will try to later.

Things are just really bad right now. I don't really like bringing up my family but my mum and I have been fighting a lot lately. I feel really, really bad because I pretty much ruined Mother's Day with an argument that pretty much lead her to say that she'd kick me out right now if it wasn't for quarantine. Even if it wasn't for COVID, I have no close family or friends I could turn to for a place to stay. Smiley Sad I know she was really angry and probably didn't mean it, but most of the arguments are about how she doesn't respect my boundaries or treat me like an adult, even when I'm trying to rationalize... moving out would probably end up being best for me in order to grow, but I don't have the support or of course the finances, and I probably won't be able to take care of myself at all. Smiley Sad

Another thing again is uni. Ugh, I'm so over all of this, and I'm so completely angry at myself for letting it go on for so long. The other day my lecturer emailed everyone in the unit, explaining that those that submitted in time have finally gotten their results released, while those that had extensions won't get theirs 'hopefully' until next week. I know I'm still the only one going, and the can't release marks until everyone's is in, so all I'm doing is holding everyone back from their marks. It was due a month ago! It could be done by now!! I feel like a complete, utter failure. I still don't know if I should continue the unit or not... I might actually try to make a list here:

KEEPING UNIT:

PROS:

- Huge sense of achievement if I manage to complete assignment
- I really love the material and all the books I have to read
- Everyone will be proud of me for getting through it
- Lecturers going out of their way to support me won't be for nothing
- Last lit unit I will ever have to do out of the way -- can focus on psychology + read any books I like! 

CONS:

- I really don't know if I can push through it and complete the assignment
- After this assignment there's another assignment that's longer that I have to worry about.
- My mental health is really struggling right now and I'm not taking care of myself

WITHDRAWING UNIT:
PROS:
- Taking care of mental health -- am really, really struggling right now and not taking care of myself at all. Withdrawing the unit will help me focus on myself.

- Less pressure on myself -- I can regroup and step away from these negative thoughts.
- Other people in the unit won't be disadvantaged by me anymore.
CONS:
- Have to pay for unit/ is shown on transcript as it's withdrawn late -- can ask doctor to help apply for exemption to get refund but it's a long, uncertain process I'm not too sure about
- Further away from graduation -- not sure if I'll be able to study properly in semester two either. 
- This is like the 7th unit I'm dropping -- I've done the last semester of third year three times. Again, I just need 3 units to graduate/ move into honours. Continuing to delay finishing when I'm so close is just really sad...
- Lecturers going out of their way to support would be for nothing -- I would probably have to email them to explain why I'm withdrawing, which is incredibly daunting. When I emailed them after I couldn't complete the assignment during the inital extension I got Mum to read the reply because I was so anxious.
- Other people who believed I could do it would be disappointed in me.
- Would have to take up another, potentially less interesting literature unit next semester.
- I'll feel like a failure for a while.

I think that's about all... Smiley Indifferent

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Re: Just venting...

Hey @Hozzles, I am sorry to hear about the argument that you had with your mum. Things sound really tense at home at the moment. I am glad you have shared what has recently been happening for you. It is not always an easy thing to do.

It sounds like you have thought very deeply about whether to stay in the unit or not. I think this is a really difficult decision to make. I'm sorry to hear that it has been making you feel anxious, angry, and like a failure. I hope that it was helpful for you to put your thoughts into a pros and cons list. Is there anything else that you could do to help you make your decision? Smiley Happy

It is great to hear that your lecturer has been really supportive. How would you feel about having a chat with them or someone else at your uni about your options?
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Re: Just venting...

@TOM-RO - I don't really know what else I can do. I've talked to a lot of services, etc about my options but of course no one can make a decision for me.

I don't think I can talk to my lecturers anymore than I already have. Pretty much my only options are: do the assignment already within the next week (or two, but that's way too long and just embarrassing), or withdraw the unit. 

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Re: Just venting...

Hey @Hozzles , 

 

I really feel for you with how stressful those uni decisions can be, and I can hear how much it's weighing on you - I ended up taking longer to complete my degree too, and at the time I really beat myself up for it, but it was the best decision I could make at the time for myself, my family, and my mental health. I was juggling study with small kids and sometimes it all got too much, in hindsight I was also much too hard on myself about not being able to do what I "should" be doing. So many people take a longer road to get there, and that's OK - it shows strength and courage to put yourself, and your mental health, first. 

 

I'm sorry to hear that Mother's Day was a bit of a crappy day for you- these have been such weird and stressful times for everyone, and I think it's especially hard for people in their late teens and twenties who are suddenly having to spend way more time at home with their families. It can be super hard to navigate being an adult living at home, I know I went through it in my early twenties when I moved home for awhile - it was really hard, and that was without the stresses that come with quarantine. Do you think it would help you to make a 6 month plan, and map out the steps that you would need to take to move out? 

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Re: Just venting...

I tried to type up a post here last night, but my internet cut out just as I was posting it, and I lost the autosave. Smiley Sad Probably a good thing, since a lot happened since last night that I'd have to update... 

Blegh... again, I'm really sorry again that I can't really reply to the other messages right now, I'll try to later. Thank you everyone for the support, just know it means a lot even if I can't reply. I just need to sort out my thoughts. 

First off, I ended up withdrawing the unit. I feel horrible about it but it was for the best. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to complete uni at this point (or this year, at least)... haha. Smiley Sad

TW for next few paras: OCD, existential/ death-related intrusive thoughts, self harm (intrusive thoughts).

I really, really don't feel well at the moment. OCD is really getting at me. Which is funny to recognise, because sometimes my OCD obsessions are about how I don't really have OCD and I'm making everything up. But... ugh, I'm just so, so exhausted. I feel like everything is becoming an obsession now. Perfectionism and getting things exactly right is stopping me from doing anything fun or creative that I really want to do. I'm obsessing about my sexuality/ even my gender again. The other day I had a bad dream about my grandpa, and had to make sure he was alright as soon as I woke up. He said grandma wanted to take him on a walk, but he didn't want to go. I told him he should, then I panicked all day that I 'caused' him to walk into some inevitable danger. Every time I'm not sure where someone is, I worry something bad has happened to them.

The biggest, most distressing theme is my existential/ death OCD (I can barely type the word right now). I don't even know where to begin, because it sounds so stupid... basically, I can't function at all because I can't stop obsessing about existence/ death. Where do I even start... it just sounds really crazy, I can't even put it into words. I wake up and I'm immediately hit by the limitations I have of just being me, like I can't ever be someone else and experience things in the perspective of someone else because I can only ever be me. Every time I get a random bodily sensation, I go into a panic attack because my stupid brain is convinced that I'm dying. When I walk around in public I get vivid intrusive thoughts of something bad happening to me and wonder how the strangers around me would react. I couldn't sleep at all last night because my dumb brain somehow got convinced sleeping = being unaware + unconscious + brain not fully functioning thus pretty much dying, so every time I felt myself start to drift off I got another panic attack. I haven't slept all day and I'm so worried I won't be able to sleep again tonight. It's so scary, last night I even found myself considering self-harm for a while because I just wanted something, anything, to take my mind off my intrusive, scary thoughts. I didn't do it, but just the thought of it really, really scares me. I feel like things have never been this bad before. I've had crippling OCD themes before, but they weren't exactly life/ death situations/ thoughts, so I could have additional thoughts surrounding my intrusive ones. Now, it feels like all I can think about is the intrusive thoughts.What makes it worse is that I've been feeling so dissociative lately, like I'm disconnected from my surroundings/ body. I really, honestly don't know what I do all day, because it feels like I'm an outsider watching my own body going through the motions...

Ugh, I just really, really hate OCD. I don't know if I've said this before but I'd seriously rather live with just depression/ anxiety for the rest of my life. At least my head can have breaks, and everyone understands depression/ anxiety. With depression/ anxiety, you can ask for reassurance and support without it being compulsive and worse off for you. I know it isn't that easy (I also struggle with anxiety/ depression) but I just. Cannot. Stand. OCD. I feel so much regret, my first medication I was ever on worked so well for blocking OCD thoughts but it stopped working for depression... I should have just tolerated the depression, because that would be better than this.

I'm so frustrated, I don't know what else I can do. I tried to call Lifeline earlier today but no words would come out of my mouth so I told them I will ring back later (I didn't). Not sure if I've mentioned my psychiatrist saga yet but originally I had a 5 month estimated wait to see a psychiatrist, now I only have two weeks but OCD is going wild saying the new psychiatrist won't believe me, will think I'm crazy, will give me the wrong meds, will make me worse... etc. I've been trying to get into a psychologist also but the wait is long for there too. I'm just so tired. I'm safe, by the way.

I just feel like all my progress has gone down the drain. I really don't know where all this came from. Maybe COVID, I can recognise that a lack of routine is getting to me -- I no longer have anything to wake up for (when I do get some sleep)...  I just don't know how I could possibly get out of this. 

Sorry for the ramble, I know most of this probably isn't coherent but I needed to get some thoughts out and just vent a bit.

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Re: Just venting...

Hey @Hozzles

I am really glad that you are able to have the space to vent, and I am glad that you were able to get this off your chest Heart You have done an incredible job of highlighting and outlining how you are feeling, and why you are feeling that way, which is really amazing insight. I know that sometimes it can feel useless to recognise the root of an emotion, especially when it is wreaking havoc on our mental health, but it's such an important skill for processing and reflecting on our thoughts. 

However I really don't want to diminish how difficult things are for you right now. I can hear that things seem to be increasing in intensity, which would be very understandably scary. It fantastic that you have been able to book an appointment with a psychiatrist, and I am glad that you are looking into seeing a psychologist as well. I know that the wait between appointments can be incredibly tedious and exhausting, so sometimes I find it can be helpful to search for resources online. A lot of the time, psych will post how-to guides on some basic CBT/Mindfulness skills, which might be useful to tide you over until you can speak to your therapist. I did find one site for the International Society for OCD, and they have a section which lists some resources that you might be interested in. I've linked it here Smiley Happy 

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Re: Just venting...

You all know the drill now, I'll be sure to reply to your wonderful supports when I am feeling a bit better, but I need to get some things off my chest. Where do I even start...

1. Next Tuesday I have an appointment to have an MRI scan (as well as a scan of the blood vessels in my head + neck). I've been hearing a whooshing sound like my pulse really loudly in my left ear for almost four years now. Most doctors explained it was 'probably just anxiety' (I've researched it, and it's definitely not a symptom of anxiety). I went to an ENT specialist Thursday and he said it could be caused by... some bad things. I am so, so happy a doctor has actually taken me seriously about this... but I'm scared. Not for the MRI itself (I've actually always wanted to have one? They're so interesting and I wanna work in neuropsychology one day, ahah!), but for the results. This is going to sound weird, but I'm kind of hoping for a bad outcome. At least then I'll know my symptoms lately have a physical source. But obviously... I don't know if I can deal with my life changing like that. But at the same time I don't know if I'd be able to handle the best news, either. Ugh. Want to know the worst thing? One of the things I'm most scared of is how my mum would react if there was something seriously wrong with me. She gets easily frustrated. Even when I broke my wrist, she had times she'd yell at me that 'she can't take it anymore' (same for my mental health, too). Would it be safe to stay in the house I live in if I was diagnosed with something serious? I'm so sad I even have to consider that. Smiley Sad

2. On that topic, I got to talk to a psychiatrist last week, and I'm seeing him again tomorrow. The bad part is that he requested my mum to be there to talk, too. I'm absolutely terrified. There's so many reasons... one:she walked into my therapy appointments since started getting them and I've only been allowed to talk to three therapists without her being in the room directing the conversation, two:I feel she mostly doesn't understand my mental health and what goes on in my head, three: we're on mostly bad terms at the moment, so I don't want to deal with it if the psychiatrist starts seeing me negatively after what she says, and four: she will bring up things I am in no way ready to talk about/ deal with yet. Ugghhh. It's mostly four, to be honest. I know if she doesn't say those things, I never will, and I'll never be able to deal with them. But I just... don't want to! I feel like I'm being really difficult, I just don't want to talk. I made a meme, I posted it on the meme thread but I'll share it here, too, because it's how I feel:
tumblr_nroanfy2v71qjobhbo1_1280.jpg

3. My mental health... ugh, again, where do I begin? I'm severely dissociating all the time, sometimes I can barely even recognise myself in the mirror. It's never, ever happened to me before, but some days I literally just stay in bed/ in one place all day, and don't even shower or anything. I don't even know what's happening. And I feel physically shocking... I don't know if it's because something's actually wrong with me, or I'm worried about possible results of my MRI, or if it's my body adjusting to new meds (psychiatrist increased my dosage until he sees me next). I don't even know if I've always felt like this, or if I'm just making things up (OCD is always making me doubt myself), or if it's the affects of social distancing, or what. Days pass by and I can barely tell one over another. I used to have a diary app that I added my activities into every day for over a year... now, I haven't added anything for about a month. 

Blegh, sorry for the long paragraphs. I'll be sure to give another update again later on. Smiley Happy

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Re: Just venting...

Hey @Hozzles,

 

Wow, it sounds like you're dealing with a huge huge amount at the moment, so I can understand why you're feeling so overwhelmed! I'm really glad to hear that you've been able to book an MRI scan. It's so important to have professionals that listen to you, so I'm glad that you've found that now Smiley Happy

 

It sounds that things have gotten really intense with your mental health right now as well. I could see how you're feeling physically could be due to any of the things that you mentioned, and it might now be a bad idea to bring up how it's making you feel with your psych. Do you know what else you wanted to talk to them about? 

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Re: Just venting...

@Hozzles I don't have much to say right now except that dissociating is the fucking worst. I literally didn't move for almost 24 hours yesterday, and things still don't feel real to me. So I don't think you're making stuff up - our bodies can have these reactions when we're going through really stressful periods. Does your psych know about what's happening for you?
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No human being, however great or powerful, was ever so free as a fish