Just feel like i don't belong anywhere. Don't fit in. I can't make conversation and i want to be friendly, but all i can do is panic and get scared and do a half smile and bolt as soon as i can. I wish i had friends but i don't know...who would want to be my friend? because i have scars all up my arm and try to kill myself and run off and have meltdowns and throw food away (well used to anyway) and can't make bloody conversation and can't be friendly like a normal person. I wish i could be friendly, I WANT to be friendly, but well that means staying and talking and long conversations and panic and scared and terrifying and geez! I'm rambling, sorry...
I've done bad things, just trying to belong somewhere. I don't want to specify them, because I don't want to freak anyone out and everything...I'll just be kinda cryptic i guess...I didn't know at the time why i was doing those bad things over and over again. I knew it was bad. But i couldn't stop, and i actually felt like I belonged...in a pretty messed up kind of way. I did it because i wanted to bloody fit in somewhere. I was lonely and depressed and sad and there were others there who were the same. It was a bad way of coping, but when you feel alone you kind of get desperate...I don't want to go there again. I just want to not be a total misfit and belong somewhere, i guess thats not damaging.
I want to have a friend. But i'm such a bad example, right? and i guess i dont deserve friends. maybe i do deserve to be lonely and sad and messed up. I don't know. I don't think i'll ever belong anywhere. I'm sorry that this post is depressing and i really hope i didn't trigger anyone. Just edit post if its bad.
*And sorry, I think i blurted out about all my little problems and i'm really sorry if i offended anyone who has way bigger things to deal with.*
Hi @beagle866, thanks for posting on ReachOut today. It’s very brave of you to share that. It sounds like you’ve had a really hard time with friendships, but you’ve been trying your best. You’ve mentioned being panicked, scared and terrified – have you spoken to a professional about these feelings? It’s good that you want to be friendly and find somewhere where you belong. Lots of people can struggle with fitting in at times. Also, you mentioned you have tried to end your life before – is that something your experiencing now?
I have spoken to several people about those feelings. I'm seeing a new psychologist every couple of weeks to do social skills and fear ladder stuff. She knows about the feelings. Plus there's my psychiatrist who knows and I have spoken to her about it on a few occasions. I tried to kill myself/end my life in early January after a big breakdown. Since then have been okay but still thoughts of wanting to do it. Like this evening, had thoughts while passing the main road but i guess i'm okay because i'm not going to act on it...
I’m super glad to hear that you are receiving the support you need. It can be extremely difficult to share one’s emotions and feelings with others, so the fact that you have done that shows that you are really strong. Often getting help is the hardest part – so well done to you.
I know you mentioned you see a psychologist every couple of weeks, but please be aware that there are many Helplines that you can call if you ever feel you need any extra support. For example, Kids Helpline, Beyond Blue, and Suicide Call Back Service all operate 24/7 and offer both chat and telephone counselling. If you ever feel you are going to act on any thoughts please call 000.