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Late night thoughts are becoming regular thoughts?

Hey so i don't want to share my name because i'm not comfortable with that but i do want to share whats been going on lately and i'm just going to pore it all out...

 

So i have never used any "Reachout" resources before besides the time i called kids help line but then got scared and hung up....

 

I don't really know what to say but i just need someone to talk to. I feel like i have no one even though i have a really tight friend group, we aren't close like that and don't talk about our feelings. Sure we ask if we are ok and talk about whats going on in our life's but we never talk about the deep stuff like if we are doing ok mentally, or stress wise. I feel like i put on a show in front of my friends just to be the "funny" one but when i come home and shut my door into my bedroom i'm a completely different person. I feel like there is a big hole in my heart and in my mind. Iv never been good at focusing and i am a big procrastinator and i always watch movies or tv shows or go on social medias and see people achieving things and i want that and i want to chase after my goals but i feel like there is a difference between real life goals (get a job, car, house... ect) and a made up bullshit non realistic made up fantasy world that everyone including me is trying to chase. I guess what i'm trying to say is that there is a difference between the real world and the fake non realistic world that i want to live in and i want that so bad but i just don't know how i'm going to chase that because i am so unmotivated and have no drive in me and i have asked my mum before why am i so unmotivated and she says i have to find that drive inside of me and go chase your goals but i am currently sitting here in a hot mess and my room is a mess my window is open letting all the cold air in, its a sunday night at 11:55 and i have just had a week off because i faked being sick because i didn't want to goto school so i have about 5 hours of catch up homework to do but instead i have signed up to this website and am sitting on the floor with tears in my eyes wrights this post out and not even knowing who is even going to see this or where it is going to be posted to.

 

I have had hard times all my life with homework and school work but this year it has really come to bite me on the ass. I am in year 11 and you have probably already noticed that i have the spelling of an 2 year old. I don't know if i am really an idiot or it is just pure laziness on my part. I have found it hard to come home and do school work after school, don't get me wrong but i would love to come home and just do my homework and get it out of the way but i am always tired and most of the time i come home and sleep and i think this is due to my weight witch i have always struggled with as well but maybe i am using my wight as an excuse for not doing my school work or maybe its the other way around i'm using my school work to not focus on my weight ether way i know it has to "come from me" but i just don't know if that will ever happen because i am a lazy mofo with no drive to work for anything and i need someone to push me but maybe that is an excuse as well to no do anything because i need someone to "push me".

 

I am now on my bed after "trying" to correct everything i have just said. My window is still open and its started to rain, its now 12:18am i don't know when i'm going to do my homework but i am having really dark thoughts and i didn't really say anything about my thoughts in the peace above because i don't like talking about it but i'm hoping that by talking about the other stuff it will help them out.

 

I don't know what i'm doing with my life and i don't know if it will be easier to end it or keep trying knowing that way i'm going, i'm going to end up cleaning your tables in a food court. Because i couldnt get my shit together now.

 

Someone help.

 

B.W

Re: Late night thoughts are becoming regular thoughts?

@Lost123 i dont think you are just lazy i think it is more than that.... have you tried talking to your school counselor about how you are feeling? also i dont think you should just end it even though i will be a huge hypocrite for saying that but you are still in school which can be hard but it means you have time to figure things out and that your future isnt lost yet. if you are thinking about ending things then it is probably time to get some help from an adult.   

Re: Late night thoughts are becoming regular thoughts?

I have spoken with my school counselor and we talked for a couple of weeks and then he let me go because he thought i was ok and he was going on long service leave so he wasn't going to be around anymore Smiley Sad

Re: Late night thoughts are becoming regular thoughts?

Hi @Lost123,

Welcome to ReachOut and thank you for sharing with us how you are going. These forums are a safe space to share how you are feeling, and you will find a lot of other people here who can understand and relate to what you are going through. It takes a lot of courage to come online and share what's happening for you right now Heart

 

I can hear how difficult things have been for you, it sounds like there is a lot going on for you that is contributing to you feeling this way. School can be a really difficult time, particularly when you feel like motivation is hard at the moment or like you are playing catch up. I can relate to how you are feeling right now Heart You mentioned you haven't spoken to your friends about how you are feeling, have you spoken to your family about it? 

 

Good on you for giving it a go and calling Kids Helpline. I can understand feeling a bit concerned to talk to them, but I can assure you they can be really great to talk things through with and can help to connect you with other services who can support you. Lifeline is also another great helpline. Would you consider seeing another counsellor while your school counsellor is away?

 

We are here to listen and support you HeartSmiley Happy



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Re: Late night thoughts are becoming regular thoughts?

Hi Jess

I have spoken to my parents about it in the pass but all they have done is become 2x as stricter on my homework for about a week and then its back to normal. I feel every time i feel like i'm on top of everything i just fall though the cracks again and its just a recurring act and i'm not sure what to do anymore and wonder how i'm going to go in life.

I have not spoken to a other counsellor because i wouldn't be comfortable. The only reason i spoke with a counsellor in the first place is because i sore him in year 7 (i'm in year 11 now) and i have had history with him and felt good talking to him, the new person here... i wouldn't feel right talking to her.

Re: Late night thoughts are becoming regular thoughts?

Hi @Lost123 thanks for reaching out to us and I'm sorry to hear you are having a difficult time. We're glad you are comfortable sharing with us, we're here to listen and support you as best as we can. I'm wondering what has helped you during the times you felt like you are on top of everything versus the times you felt like you fall through the cracks? Would getting into a routine or setting up a schedule that also includes breaks in between be helpful with your studies or what has worked for you before? In regards to speaking to a counsellor I can understand why it would feel uncomfortable at first speaking to someone new and good on you for trying to get in touch with Kids Helpline. I'm wondering if you would be open to trying eHeadspace? They offer an online webchat if you aren't comfortable speaking on the phone. Also self-care is key during these tough times, how are you looking after yourself? Heart