Life Isn't Good And That's Okay

[Zeldasmile]

Well, supposedly. Life isn't good. Mods have suggested I start a new thread to "talk about my problems" so here I go. I've never fit in. Ever since I was little, I haven't really fit in. I didn't go to kindy, so I started school without any friends or knowing anyone. On the first day that NAPLAN testing started that year, I moved and started attending a different school. I didn't really have any friends so I kind of followed teachers around. Fast forward a year. Grade one. Still no real friends. Got picked on a bit. Flash forward another year. Started making friends. By a few years later, I had lost them. I know that I'm the problem in my friendship relationships but I don't know what about me is the problem. End of grade three, i lost my dad. Flash forward again. Grade six comes. I was school captain. Every day, me and one of the vice captains would go and do jobs before lunch. That was how I met the best friend I have ever made. He was amazing. Became better friends with everyone else who I had been on and off friends with. Flash to last year. I was severely depressed and paranoid. I thought I might have been schizophrenic, I did a crap tonne of research. I thought, and now know, that I had, and still have a psychosis. I have suicidal thoughts quite often but don't feel comfortable talking to real people about them. (Sorry, internet people don't count as real people because its anonymous). I have recently started questioning my sexual and gender identity. I've never really been feminine in any way, shape, or form, I don't know it doesn't look right when I write it down. I like being a girl, but I really don't give a frappé about it. If I was a boy, I wouldn't reaaly care. I think I'm straight. I'm pretty sure I'm straight. Although, I do think girls are hot. But I feel sexual attraction towards guys. (Namely my best friend). I get really paranoid. All doors and windows are always shut or I feel like I'm being watched. I won't sleep on one side of my bed because of its angle relative to my window. I still get bullied and picked on. I get called names, I get kicked, I get bark thrown at me. I'm depressed, I've been suicidal, I've self harmed, I get bullied, I find it really hard to make friends. But being on this site makes me feel a bit better.

[Bee]

@Zeldasmile I am so proud of you for sharing this! It sounds as though things have definitely been difficult for you

I'm sorry to hear you are being bullied Have you spoken to anyone about this?

Questioning your sexuality is a normal part of growing up and discovering who you are We have quite a diverse range of people on the forums of varying sexuality.

You've mentioned you have been suicidal, I wanted to check that you are safe?

I'm going to tag some other members as well
@ErinsAntics @T4ils @lokifish @N1ghtW1ng @gina-RO @Bree-RO @scared01 @redhead

Ps. I've moved this to tough times, something's not right as it's a more appropriate section

[Zeldasmile]

Thank you so much for replying. I have spoken to my friends and a couple of teachers about the bullying but nothing ever really gets done. Yes I'm safe, I try to just block those thoughts, but its hard to. If I ever plan on committing suicide, I would probably tell somebody and they would hopefully do something about it. Thanks for tagging other members and moving the post. It was originally going to go in a different direction that was more suited to the forum page it was on, but as I was typing it kind of strayed away from what I originally wanted to talk about.

[Bee]

@Zeldasmile you are welcome

I'm glad to hear you have talked about the bullying, but that's disheartening that nothing has happened

That's good to know. IF you are feeling distressed make sure you reach out to someone or call a helpline, Lifeline 13 11 14, Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800, suicide call back 1300 659 467. Their websites are here at urgent help at the top of every page

That's perfectly okay, not everything goes in the direction we'd hoped

[letitgo]

Hey @Zeldasmile, well done for making that post and being so open about what's been happening for you.

Do you think you could call Kidshelpline as @Bee, or would you be willing to talk to a mental health professional at headspace or something similar? Apologies if this has already been discussed and I've missed it   

[redhead]

@Zeldasmile I get psychotic and was bullied through school. I'm sorry your experiencing this too. Have you ever told a Dr about your symptoms. Getting a psychiatrist and opening up about my voices and the paranoia I get really helped me. Meds are basically my life-line But not all psychosis is treated with medication.

How are you feeling after sharing this stuff with us.

[letitgo]

@Zeldasmile I wanted to add that I'm so sorry that you've had to go through so much tough stuff. Your resilience is remarkable, and I hope that we're able to support you as much as we can.

[Zeldasmile]

@letitgo and @redhead Thank you for replying. I don't take meds and I know its stupid but I don't feel comfortable with the idea of changing who I am like that. I know that it will help me but I don't want a couple of pills to completely change who I am. I don't feel comfortable with the idea of talking to a Dr or psychologist or psychiatrist because I don't want to share something so personal with somebody I don't know. I don't want to show my feelings and emotions like that. Just the thought of it makes me feel awful.

[letitgo]

Not stupid at all @Zeldasmile, everyone's experience and opinion is different.

Fair enough, being vulnerable in front of a stranger is a really confronting thing to do. I'm wondering if you've tried talking to your best mate about what's been going on for you?

[Bee]

@Zeldasmile it can definitely be scary to talk to a health professional for the first time, especially if we don't know them. So it's understandable you are feeling hesitant to do so. I've been seeing my psychologist and usual GP for about 2 years and there are times where I still feel uncomfortable talking about my mental health, which I think is pretty normal, but they are there to support me through it, and I can honestly say that I have built such a good repour and relationship with them that the positives of me telling them now outweigh the uncomfortable feeling.

I also wanted to say that if we haven't done a lot of talking about our emotions and feelings, it can feel really weird suddenly doing so.

In regards to medication, they are more designed to help you cope/manage with your symptoms rather than change who you are as a person. As @redhead said not all psychosis is treated with medication. You may find that talk therapy with a psychologist or counsellor, or learning new coping strategies may help you cope better/manage your symptoms. As always medication worries are best talked about with a GP or psychiatrist as they have the training and knowledge and can help you make an informed decision on which will benefit you most

I hope this helps