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Loneliness, People, And breaking my Anti-social Vow.

My name Is Blue.

I am 18 years old.

I am also in university.

I have noticed alot of people recently especially in their 20s and up have spoke about this lonlinless that seems to settle in.

I think after we have pretended and acted like we need no-one for a while does it finally show...that everyone needs someone, no matter how cold or desolate they seem. 

As a human being its only natural to need others, i myself struggle emensley with creating friendships, i often come across as harsh, rude, cold or unapproachable.

But I really don't mean it to be, i feel as though I am some unfriendly monster.

I have struggled for a long time with creating long lasting friendships, things in my past have stopped me from trusting people...or being affectionate.

Trust and affection in my supposed close relationships with my support network e.g my parents have often not been there... my father wasn't around after my mother divorced him when i was young, my mother cold and aloof unable to express her feelings other then a cloud of sadness that seems to settle permanently. 

My older brother messed up.

Most of the time I have had to work things out, even since very young so not to burden other people in my family. 

My younger brother and sister looking up to me to hold myself together while the rest of the world falls apart.

So you see things like this isnt easy for me.

Opening up to people is quite scary for me.

I can't seem to be able to make a lasting impression on people, and i have a number of flaws which seem to make me seem unkind.

e.g 

-I dislike being touched in any way shape or form (except for high fives/ shaking hands)

-I dont know how to respond to compliments much

-Socially awkward

-Seemingly cold

I have also been under alot of pressure.

But today...I think something wonderful had happened.

I think I have decided to try my very best to put myself out there socially from now on.

Spend less time at home and what-not going slightly mad whilst looking at the four corners of my room.

Join as many programs as possible and try to meet people.

I think in the end I was waiting for someone to rescue me...but I realise I can only really rescue myself. 

I'm making a public pact right now this is a record of it, to try my very best to beat whatever adversity comes my way.

Also to be more open.

Spontaneous not to do the same thing every day, i will live my up-coming holiday as though i am a tourist in my own country.

If anyone has anymore suggestions that would be very helpful.

Any tips or possible advice would be amazing.

If you also would like to comment any declarations or pacts/goals also feel free to. 

This is blue making a sincere record. 

Thank you.

 

 

 

 

Re: Loneliness, People, And breaking my Anti-social Vow.

@BluezCluez what a beautiful post! Just letting you know I edited some of the language so the post fit with the RO forum guidelines (https://forums.au.reachout.com/t5/Welcome-announcements/MUST-READ-ReachOut-com-Guidelines/m-p/16/mes...)

Re: Loneliness, People, And breaking my Anti-social Vow.

Hi @BluezCluez

 

What a beautiful post! You have been through such difficult times for someone so young. You should be proud of yourself with what you have achieved for yourself. I think being positive and doing things that you will enjoy will lift your spirits that little bit more. Wanting to achieve something in life, and actually achieving it such an amazing thing. 


I am a little bit older than you and I have been through some tough times with my parents seperating and both of them remarrying. With things that happened in my childhood and after the seperation, I make the decision not to speak to my biological father anymore. This made me feel so much more relaxed and made me a better person. 

 

I wanted to give you some advice, make sure that you do what makes you happy and live life like today is your last day because tomorrow is never promised, and you dont want to have any regrets. Life is too short. 

 

Go travel, drive (if you have your license) to some random destination, spend the night in the city. Create a bucketlist some things that you would like to do and cross them off once you have done it and you can always add things to it. 

Re: Loneliness, People, And breaking my Anti-social Vow.

Great Post @BluezCluez! I too have struggled with maintaining friendships and trusting people so I definitely know what that is like. Glad to hear you're making a conscious effort to try and put yourself out there. It's can be nerve wracking but definitely is rewarding and worthwhile Smiley Happy hear to talk if you ever need someone ! 

Re: Loneliness, People, And breaking my Anti-social Vow.

Very glad you have shared your story and showed you're brave enough to make this pact @BluezCluez

You have been through a lot and feeling under pressure is understandable but also tough.

It's an amazing start to set these goals and have plans in place to feel better by being more social. Just a bit of advice with goal setting - if at first the end goal seems a bit far out of reach then set some smaller goals to build up your confidence first. Posting here was a great way to start that, talking online can be easier at times. Also joining programs or clubs is a great idea, pick things you're really interested in and you'll meet new people with a common interest already. Travel is also a wonderful idea and starting off with discovering your own country is awesome. You might like to look up tours later on, there's heaps of options for university students 18+ which is another way to meet new people if you get a chance.

Continue setting goals because you've made an awesome start!

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Re: Loneliness, People, And breaking my Anti-social Vow.

Hello @BluezCluez,

 

What you have said about loneliness, it is all true. "No man is an island". That means that we are always linked to other people no matter how much we deny it, in the end everyone depends on each other.

 

The problem is, humans are not mind readers. We judge people base on what we see, not as what they are. But there is more to making connections than just what is being said. Try reading books on body language and implement some positive body language such as palms up, smiles that show your teeth and an open posture without crossing your arms or legs.

 

I cannot say i understand how you feel, because i do not. Each person experience different circumstances that cannot be generalised. I will not pity you, because that will not change anything. All i can offer is to help you with ways to sort out your feelings and find strategies that may help change things for the better.

 

I dislike being touched as well, i can be socially awkward and thus avoid large gatherings. I have been called cold and egotistical simply because i refuse to speak unless i feel the need to. But i am fortunate enough to find friends who not only tolerate my quirks, but also love me for it. Like you said, if i had not tried to put myself out there, i would have never met them, and i would still be isolated today.

 

I had read numerous books on how to interact with others and learnt what i could. I refuse to be a shadow and an outsider in the world any longer, watching something i cannot have. I did not want to feel misunderstood, like i do not belong. Like i am an alien visiting Earth or a weed in a bed full of flowers. With motivation and a goal to do something, you too can achieve what you want. Now if you met me, you would not know that i had ever been shy or unsure of myself. Inside i am still the introverted person i used to be, with all my flaws and insecurites, but i simply learnt to adapt to my environment. It had helped tremendously with interviews and making a positive impression on people. "Fake it 'til you make it".

 

Compliments are not as hard as you might think. Use the right tone of voice and equip it with a smile. Pick something you like about a person and say it. If you truly believe it then it will come across as honest and sincere. People usually take kindly to those who compliment them, so if you make it a rule to say at least one nice thing to everybody you meet a day, and mean it, soon people will feel more inclined to approach and talk to you.

 

Opening up is scary. You do not have to open up right away. In fact, oversharing often has the opposite effect and drives people away. Take your time, only share what makes you comfortable. Often the best relationship takes time to nurture, you cannot expect something to develop overnight. Also, you do not have to always be strong. You are allowed to break down sometimes. Just as you prune roses in your garden, some things need to break down before it can grow back stronger. Have some trust in your younger brother and sister, just as you are there for them, they are there for you. Sometimes being strong means you are able to express your emotions freely without being afraid of what others may say.

 

You could try taking up poetry, music, art, journal writing etc. to release your pent up frustrations and emotions without causing any harm. It would allow you to be honest with yourself and to not bottle things up, because there is no need to hide anything in front of an inanimate object devoid of anything for you to be fearful of.

 

I agree with you and i have to say that takes courage. I will be rooting for you, so do your best and go out into the sun. "Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light; I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night".

 

Tell me how things go.

 

Best of luck,

 

 

Winter Rain

Re: Loneliness, People, And breaking my Anti-social Vow.

Hey @BluezCluez,

 

Out of everything that has been going on your life and given how you feel, I am so happy to hear that you are trying so hard to try something different! That takes so much courage and strength, you should feel proud of yourself. I really think you can do whatever you set your mind to because you sound so determined. 

 

As a personal strategy, I sometimes just do it! If I am nervous about hanging out with someone, I remind myself of how I might feel afterwards (I usually regret not going to see someone) or the last time I saw this person and how it made me feel (usually positive and so happy to see a friend). I don't know if this would help, I know you said you made like a public promise, I was thinking.. could you print out your post from here and keep it in your room for days where you might not feel so up to it? Then you could read it and remind yourself and hopefully become remotivated! This reminded me of my own strategy and I thought maybe it could be useful for you too.. 

 

Let me know what you think!

 

—————————

Whether you think you can or think you can’t, either way you are right.
– Henry Ford