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Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

So it's probably a real stupid question to ask if anyone's ever felt lonely before because most people have, but I just wanted to see if any of you have some tips on how to deal with it? 

 

Uni has just finished and it's made me realise how alone I am. I have no friends or family where I'm living so mostly spending days at home alone if I'm not at work and it's really starting to get to me. 

 

I just feel really numb and sad and my self-harm/suicidal thoughts are pretty full on at the moment. I'm trying not to listen to them but when there isn't much else going on it's bloody hard!!! 

 

I also saw my psychologist yesterday and tried to ask her if we could do two sessions next week instead of one because it's our last week before holidays and there's a lot I feel like I want to talk to her about. I'm also kind of scared I'm not going to have contact with her for over a month but she didn't seem to like the idea so we just booked one session. I know she didn't mean anything by it and she's busy but for some reason it's really upset me and made me angry and now I don't even want to go next week. I know she didn't mean it, but it just made me feel like she's sick of me and doesn't want to work with me anymore and it's just made me feel even more alone and worthless. Any suggestions on how I can stop feeling like this? Especially towards her because she really is an awesome therapist and it's upsetting me that for some reason I'm angry at her?!? 

 

I also wanted to ask if anyone else experiences anger with loneliness? Like all I want is for someone to care and want to spend time with me, not because it's their job or they have too, but because they want too. And then when no one does I get angry and hate myself (and others) but then when someone does actually show interest and wants to help I also get angry and push them away?!?! Like I can't make sense of it. I want someone to ask me how I am and show they care but then if someone does I try my best to push them away and then get angry when they go? I know it's ridiculous but I really can't help it. Does anyone else ever feel like this or is it just me? Because it sucks and I don't want to seem ungrateful!!!! 

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Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Hey @MB95

No questions are ever dumb or silly, especially when it comes to checking in with your mental health, and getting support and advice around it, particularly when it comes to negative feelings like loneliness. 

Loneliness is a super common emotion for almost every human on the planet. Because humans are social creatures, it makes sense that we need and crave the company of others. It sounds really tough to be so isolated from your family and friends at the moment, and I can imagine it's really stoking that sense of loneliness that you are struggling with at the moment. 

It's really good that you're trying to ignore and distract yourself from thoughts of self-harm and suicide. Distracting yourself with activities is actually one of the most effective ways to manage really difficult thoughts like that, and so you're definitely on the right track. I was wondering if you have any favourite hobbies or activities that you do often, as these are not just a great distraction mechanism, but they're also a great way of meeting new people who share your interests Smiley Happy this could be joining a sporting group who do rock-climbing, yoga, or a team sport, or it could be joining a club, or even something like a dnd group who are looking for a new player (you can find these sort of groups at board game shops/bars!). 

It's also really good that you've got some really healthy insight into the anger and frustration that you sometimes feel around the topic of getting help. It's also pretty common to feel disappointed or annoyed at your therapist if they reject a request (like wanting two sessions in a week). It's really important to just keep in mind that your therapist isn't doing this to hurt you, and they probably have a really good reason for doing so - they might have other clients booked in, other personal activities planned (like going to the doctors/dentist themselves), or even think that it's better for your therapeutic strategy to have more time between sessions. Sitting with that feeling of discomfort is a really gross chore, but it's also one of the most important elements to owning your own emotions, and having more agency over them. We might not always be able to control how we feel, but we can always control how we react to those feelings. 

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Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Thanks @Andrea-RO, I really appreciate that you replied ❤

 

Funnily enough I actually love rock climbing! And bush walking, and just being outdoors in general. I've seen a group on FB that I'd really like to join (they go hiking every week) but I don't know how to get myself to go. I have really bad anxiety and freak out at the thought of going alone and don't have anyone here I could try and invite to go with me.. I feel like deep down I know it's not as terrifying as it seems but for some reason I just can't make it past the freak out stage. Do you have any advice on how I could build up the courage to actually go? Because I really do want too, I just get scared and then the negative thoughts take over and that's me done. 

 

I totally get my therapist wasn't trying to hurt me, I know that and feel bad for it even upsetting me but I can't seem to help it for some reason. I think it's just because I've been struggling to only see her once a week at the moment and already felt really awkward and stupid for asking for two sessions so when she said no in a round about way it really upset me and made me feel like I wasn't worth it. I don't know, maybe I didn't communicate to her properly either at how much I feel like I need it. I'm pretty shitty at communicating. But I get it, and I understand I have to do a lot of the work on my own. It's just hard and I think because I'm feeling so alone at the moment I'm struggling even more and just hoped I could count on her. Idk. 

 

Do you have any suggestions or ideas as to why I get so angry and upset when trying to ask for help? 

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Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Hey @MB95 

 

It's really positive to hear about you affiliation with the outdoors! Spending time in nature is such a special way to ground yourself and feel connected to something bigger than yourself.

 

That FB group sounds great! Joining groups can be a confronting thing to do - I know it has taken me a long time to get into my hobbies simply because I was nervous to go on my own and thought I'd be awkward. What helped me was giving myself permission to be awkward and shy and just do it for myself. The fear never went away but I kinda faked being brave until it came natural. I also found that most people do those hobbies on their own and are in the same boat as you! Which is comforting in a weird way. Maybe it's something you can work towards with the help of your psychologist? Heart 

 

Also, I think many people can feel a range of emotions when trying to ask for help. I think it's because asking for support can make you feel really vulnerable. I think it's okay to feel a little hurt that your requests for extra help didn't go the way you hoped - just remind yourself that it wasn't a personal thing and probably had more to do with your psychologists time restraints etc.. 

 

I know there's been many times I've wanted to help someone a lot more than I was able to given the restrictions of my role, workplace, abilities etc.. I don't know if that helps but I'm sure your psychologist in a perfect world would have really wanted to be there for you Heart 

 

In saying all that I'm so happy you are here and that we are able to support you between counselling sessions! What are you up to today? Is there anything nice you can do for yourself Smiley Happy 

 

 

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Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Thanks heaps for your reply @Bre-RO ❤

 

I have been working heaps the past few days so haven't been on here as much and when I have been I've been trying to help others instead as a nice distraction from my own shit. I'm also happy I'm on here because it really is a great support and just so nice to be part of a community that understands and cares!!

 

It did help hearing how you feel when you want to help others more but can't because of job restrictions etc. And I totally get that because I'd be the same. And I feel terrible that it's upsetting me so much because it's like I know she doesn't mean to hurt me but it is? I don't know. I can't work out why it's upset me so much and I really wish it wasn't!!! For some stupid reason I feel really weird about going to see her tomorrow and am thinking of calling to cancel. Normally I look forward to our sessions but the last few days I've been feeling really weird about it and not wanting to go anymore. 

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Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Hi @MB95 

 

We are happy to have you as part of this community! It helps so much to have people to listen and understand what you're going through Heart 

 

It's really hard when you're having a strong emotional response to something but you're not too sure why. How are you feeling today about seeing your psychologist? 

 

We are thinking of you and hoping that is goes well Heart 

 

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Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

It really does @Bre-RO so thankyou ❤

 

I was feeling so nervous I felt sick in the stomach and couldn't stop shaking but I forced myself through it and went and am so glad I did!! 

 

It was meant to be our last session today for the year cause she's finishing up but she has decided she wants to see me next week as well which was just such a relief to hear her say. It made me feel like she does care and that she did take it seriously when I said I wanted to see her twice this week before she finishes and I go home. She told me today that she is actually in next week but just doing admin but is happy to see me which I am so grateful for. I feel even worse now for being upset with her about it all but it's made me realise she really does care and I can trust she knows what she's doing which is nice. 

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Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

@MB95  I am glad it went well. 

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Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Hey @MB95 

 

I hope you feel really proud of yourself for pushing through the nerves and going to see your psych. That would have been hard but you did it!! Heart Also, I'm relieved to hear that she made some time for you - she obviously cares about you and wants to be the best support she can. Great news Heart 

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Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Thanks @Eden1717 - me too! 😊

 

And thanks @Bre-RO ❤

I did feel pretty happy with myself that I went. Even though it was really small it felt like a little achievement that I was strict with myself and didn't give in to how I was feeling at the time. I'm well known for bailing on situations so definitely feel like it was progress and paid off in the end!! 😊