cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 
Highlighted

Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Thanks @Andrea-RO. I really appreciate what you said and I think after sleeping on it I have realised that maybe it's just their way of dealing with it and like you said, they need time to understand. Mum was quite upset last night and I could tell she was hurting because we had another chat and she couldn't understand why I went to a psychologist and not her. She thinks it's too much with me going once a week and that I don't need it. Idk. I know it's probably her just trying to understand so I'm trying so hard not to take what she is saying to heart but it's not easy. It just makes me feel even more guilty for telling her. And then today she asked me if I'm on medication (which I am) but I couldn't bring myself to tell her. She asked me completely out of the blue so I was totally unprepared for it and wasn't planning to have that conversation with them for a while because I know it'll really upset them. So I told her I wasn't. And I feel like the worst daughter ever. I wish I could tell her but I just can't. She was relieved when I said no and told me it doesn't work for my grandad so probably wouldn't work anyway. I just agreed with whatever she was saying and changed the topic because it just made me feel like such a terrible person. Usually I'm so honest but this is something I feel like I can't be honest about because I know if they knew the  full truth it'd really upset them and I don't want that for them. I don't want them to worry about me or blame themselves like I know they will.

 

I really am trying not to read into things too much because I know that's what usually gets me in trouble but it's not always as easy as it sounds which I'm sure you know. 

 

I just feel awkward and sad and guilty and angry. Part of me just wants to tell them everything but the other part refuses because I love them so much and they've been through enough. I don't want to hurt them more by telling them their daughter has severe depression (they think I just have anxiety atm) and has attempted ending things and is on meds and shit. I know it'll destroy them. 

 

Sorry, I don't mean to rant. I'm just trying to get my head around it all.

Highlighted

Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Hi @MB95, well done on finally telling your parents! You must have been so nervous and bursting with anticipation Heart I am sorry that it did not go as you hoped and you are feeling upset about the outcome. Please know that you did your very best and that their response is about what is going on for them.. not something that you have caused. I know you instructed your parents to not 'treat you any differently' in the letters that you wrote. I may be wrong but their current behaviour could be their attempt to keep things feeling 'normal' for you. Everyone has a different perspective and it could be possible that they are unsure of how to go about the situation. Would you feel comfortable talking to them more about what you meant? For e.g "I still want to talk about it with you, I just don't want you to ______" Heart

It seems as though your parents may be making some assumptions about your mental health and your experience with a psychologist. The human mind is amazing and seeks to find explanations and solutions for anything. Perhaps you could discuss how beneficial therapy has been and why you chose to see a psychologist? There can be many reasons such as wanting an objective opinion, wanting professional support or wanting to have another support person. If you are finding it difficult to answer your parent's questions, maybe you could let them know that you would prefer to answer it at another time, once you have had time to think. A lot of people can be like this, not everyone can think so quickly on the spot.

You said that your parents mentioned not knowing what to do or what you want from them.. do you know the answer to these questions? Often people are unsure of how to help us and their suggestions are likely to come from their own personal lens of what works best for them. Perhaps you could speak to your parents about what support you need from them? If you are unsure, you can say that. A lot of people just want to be listened to or be confident that when they need support, that person will be there for them Smiley Happy
Highlighted

Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Thanks @Taylor-RO ❤

I'm trying really hard to understand it and not take it to heart because like you said 'their response is about what is going on for them'. And I guess I get that, I just don't like that I've caused my mum extra pain. I think she feels like I don't trust her because she's pretty cut up about the fact I spoke to a psych and not her. It just upsets me and I feel terrible about it but don't know how to tell her. When anything gets personal about my mental health or feelings I just completely shut off. 

 

I tried so hard the other night on the way to the airport to bring it up with them and ask if they had any questions they wanted to ask me before I left to try and get some of it out but I struggled so bad and couldn't even get the conversation started. I hate it cause it's not like I don't have supportive parents, it's just SO HARD to talk about it!!

 

As for knowing what I want from them, my psych and I spoke about it and she wrote it in her letter and I did in mine but I think they already thought they were doing that so are a bit confused. I tried to explain it but then couldn't get my words out properly and my mum got annoyed because I think she thought I was telling my psych they aren't supportive parents. It's just hard and I hate it. It was definitely alot better just me knowing and dealing with it that's for sure. 

Highlighted

Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Hi @MB95 ,

 

I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing today, I'm just catching up on how everyone has been doing. Well done for taking the leap and giving your parents the letter, it sounds like it took a huge amount of courage for you. I can understand that her reaction could be upsetting to you - I imagine it's taking her awhile to process it all, but truly, you have shown so much wisdom and strength in seeing a psychologist and getting the help that you need. People close to us can sometimes find hearing about mental health challenges really confronting, even when it's coming from a place of love - and even if she's a bit hurt at the moment that you opened up to a psych rather than to her, you had to do what is right for YOU. 

 

Hopefully, with time, your parents will be able to overcome their initial surprise, and in the long run I think you have absolutely done the right thing in telling them.  It may take time for you all to get used to having those difficult conversations, but it sounds like you're on the right path. As a parent myself, I would be so proud of you for having the courage to open up about what you're going through. On a side note - we do have a separate forum here for parents, so if they'd find that helpful they could check that out. It's completely confidential and a safe space.  

You show so much strength, insight and intelligence here - we are all here to support you. 

__________

Check out our community activities calendar for June 2020 here
Highlighted

Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Thanks @Janine-RO, I appreciate the message and you checking in. Honestly, I'm just trying to not think about any of it too much atm. I'm pretty good at shoving my feelings aside and just getting on with shit so am trying my best.

If I think about it I just get upset and angry and confused. I feel so guilty for asking for help. I feel like I've done the wrong thing talking to a psych and even talking on here. I just wish I'd never said anything. I'm used to dealing with things on my own and there's a reason for it but I just don't know how to get my psych to understand that. She wanted me to open up to my family for support before she starts tapping into the 'traumas' she thinks I've experienced but honestly, talking to them about things just causes me more stress and anxiety than anything. I'm too worried about how I make them feel or what they think and then if they don't help or react the way I hope then it doesn't end well for me. I just don't know how to communicate it to my psych? I know I really need to sort through some of these past things because it's really affecting me but I want to do it alone. I don't want help. I just want to get through it on my own with my psych. Do you know how I could get her to agree to that? And let her know I promise not to do anything stupid? Like I get she wants to know I'm safe and have people to call when we start working through shit but honestly, I know I wouldn't call them anyway so don't see the point in waiting to form those supports?! It's just frustrating, I want to do right by her and not let her down but right now I feel like it's hurting me more in the process. I just want to work through shit and be normal again and I want to get there on my own. 

Highlighted

Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

@MB95  I may have missed bits of this conversation but I think I read the last 2 pages. When my parents first found out about my depression/self harm issues (they already knew I had very bad anxiety) my mother was very upset and kept making it about herself and saying how she felt guilty and it was her fault, this of course wasn’t true or helpful but I think as a parent especially if they want to be supportive it can feel like it is a personal failure to have a child who isn’t happy. Again this isn’t true but it happens. My mum is the kind of person who like to fix things and gets very frustrated when she can’t especially with her kids and it caused a lot of tension for a long time but although it has taken a number of years my mum is much better at dealing with my mental health issues. For her she has told me that she did feel it was her fault and that she should be able to fix it which made her feel very guilty and sad, she also said the thing that helped her come to terms with it so to speak was that when she spoke to my psychologist they told her that her only job was to love me and that she didn’t have to fix things and that that was the psychologists job not hers. She said it took a big weight off her shoulders because she didn’t feel so responsible after. 

 

Now I can talk to her about some things not everything but we have a much better relationship I guess my point is that it can take time not only for everyone to adjust to the news but there are so many different feelings for everyone to process and everyone process feelings differently and at different rates. Also sometimes people have to come the these realizations on their own I am not sure if I am making much sense. I wish I could just send my thoughts into other people’s heads that would be much easier. Anyway give them some time and give yourself some time, if they are supportive like you say then I am sure it will work out they may just need time to figure out how to support you now and what their role is now in being there for you. 

Highlighted

Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Hi @MB95 ,

 

I have been catching up on how you have been feeling and what has been going on with you, and I just wanted to say how courageous you have been throughout everything that has been happening with you reaching out to your parents about your mental health. One thing in particular you mentioned that I thought was so inspiring was that you wanted to be able to talk to your parents about your mental health in the hope that by you opening up it might help them and your family to start thinking about their own mental health and seek help. I think that shows a great deal of empathy and is a wonderful thing to see!

 

It can be very easy to push your feelings aside and get on with things especially when you are more inclined to do things on your own.  I find this myself sometimes and can be the case if you are an independent person, sometimes it can be the natural or the default way you know how to cope. I know you said you are finding it difficult to get your psych to understand this, and that they want you to have supports in place before addressing other things, have you spoke to her about any additional support people other than your parents?

 

I read that you will be back living interstate to study until the mid year, I know it has been difficult opening up to your family, is there any friends or non-immediate family that you think you may feel you may be able talk to or have in place to contact once you start addressing other things from your past? With you talking to your parents causing you added stress and anxiety which we don’t want, this may be something to explore with your psychologist and then gradually work on being able to talk to your parents more about this. 

 

I don’t feel like you would be letting your psych down, but it might be good to try to explain more to her if you haven’t already, about how its hurting you more in the process. She may be able to suggest alternate options which still allow for you to work on the past things you need to but while ensuring your safety when discussing things that may be harder to talk about. 

 

 

We are all here to support you and help you along in this journey, you are not alone.

 

I also hope you enjoyed your girls trip with your Mum and sister, have you got any other plans to do anything else before going back to uni? 

Highlighted

Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me @Eden1717. It all made sense and was kind of a relief to read as I've been feeling pretty alone and shitty about the whole thing. I don't want to be feeling ungrateful or anything because I really am blessed with the parents I have but it's just a really hard time because I feel so upset about it but don't know how to ask for their help, and I don't even know I want it. I just want to go back to them not knowing. But thanks for sharing, it is comforting to hear your mum reacted in a very similar way. Hopefully as time goes on things will change. Did you ask your psych to talk to your parents? Or did they suggest it? Just curious because I kind of want my parents to talk to someone about how to support me rather than talking to me directly. I don't know. 

 

Thanks for your message too @TaylaMH. I appreciate you jumping in. I've spoken to my psych about my supports and the reason she wanted me to open up to my parents is because I don't really have any friends. I'm pretty lonely where I'm living - I've just started to hang out with one girl from uni though and now a couple from work so am finally getting myself out and trying to make friendships. They just aren't on the level where I'd open up to them about my mental health if that makes sense? I don't want them to think less of me or scare them away. And I know I will because it's what always happens. It's why I keep it all to myself. It's far less painful!! 

 

Unfortunately my two best friends that I do talk to about this stuff live in Canada so it makes things a bit difficult. One flew over a few months ago when things were really bad but it's expensive and not easy connecting all the time with the time zones. So I do have a couple of supports, they're just on the other side of the bloody planet which is why she's trying to get me to connect with people who are a bit closer. 

 

I completely understand why she's doing what she's doing, and I respect and appreciate it but I just want to do this alone. I'm just unsure how to get her to see that and trust me that I'll be fine dealing with things on my own. 

 

As for things before uni, I'll just be working like crazy as I desperately need to get some money behind me before the semester begins! But I've enjoyed our girls trip. Everything aside, it's been pretty good and mums managed to keep things to herself which has been good Smiley Happy

Highlighted

Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

@MB95  Both my psychologist and psychiatrist asked to talk to my parents I would have been around 16 then but I had begged them not to talk to my parents but they kept asking and eventually it just kind of happened. I very much did not want my family knowing anything about what was going on and went to great lengths to hide it. But it got to the point where they were confused as to why I kept ending up in hospital and so much was going on that my psychs did speak to them but it has only been the last few years that I even opened up to the psychs about what was actually going on and at that point I was an adult and they couldn’t talk to my parents if I didn’t want them too, which I regularly reminded them. I guess for me and my family it works better when they don’t know details about what is going on they just want to know if I am safe and if I need them to help with something but the most helpful thing they can do is just treat me normally and be there if I need to sit with someone. 

 

It can take a lot of conversations to get to the point where there is an understanding about what to do but it can happen. If I remember correctly you are having issues with depression/anxiety? Perhaps if you want your parents to understand you could find some fact sheets or information to print or send to them to read.... it really depends what you would like from the relationship. Maybe first you could start by identifying your own goals and desires? 

Highlighted

Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Thanks for sharing @Eden1717 ❤

You remembered correctly. And I thought I knew what I wanted from them but I guess I really don't. 

It's just hard. It's like there are two me's. One wants to be open and share everything and the other refuses to let anyone in and accept help and that I'm 'sick'. 

I just hate it and I'm so over feeling like this. I just want to be normal!!