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Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Hi @MB95 ,

 

The fact that you felt like driving home but didn't, is a big thing!  Being mindful of these anxiety provoking situations and working through them despite the discomfort is really courageous.  Working through these small steps will stand you in good stead.  Well done Smiley Happy

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Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Hi guys,

I'm really low at the moment and just need to get stuff out if that's okay. I want to talk to someone so badly but I don't have anyone to talk too. I just feel like I need to give someone a hug and just cry. I really don't feel great. I'm trying so goddam hard but at the moment it really seems like nothing is working. I know I'm probably more emotional cause I only got 4hrs sleep last night but I did try to sleep more I just couldn't. I can't relax much today cause I'm at uni till 5pm with classes. I have a break atm but am trying to get my documents filled out for placement and am really struggling. I just feel useless and like I can't do anything. I was late to my lecture again today because I couldn't get myself out of bed and my friend made me feel really bad by pointing out that I'm not going to cope on placement. Like I know I will be on time for placement because it's different but she had a point - I don't have my shit together. I keep pretending like I do but I don't and I really don't know how to get it together. I'm so lost. I get overwhealmed at the smallest thing and feel like such a child!!!! My friend didn't mean anything by it cause she doesn't know what's going on for me but it really hurt and was a bit of a slap in the face at how much I'm struggling atm. I called to see if I could change my psych appointment to tomorrow instead of Thurs and my psych answered the phone instead of the receptionist and that completely threw me. My old housemate also messaged me yesterday cause she was having a bad day so I went to comfort her yesterday and take her for a walk to get her out the house but I felt really selfish because I couldn't seem to help her or give her any advice. She likes to joke about suicide a bit and it really upsets me because I take it really seriously from first hand experience so I can never tell if she's being serious or not. I don't think she is but I also don't know. I'm keeping an eye on her but I also feel really bad because I honestly don't have much energy in me to be there for her. I can't even be there for myself at the moment and am just finding everything so hard. I am so numb and sad and angry and I just really want to hurt myself but I'm also really scared too incase someone finds out what I did and thinks I'm stupid and can't cope. I just really want this to end. I feel like I shouldn't be at uni because I can't seem to cope and that I should drop out. But I also don't want to be working in hospitality all my life! I just want to run away from everything and move back overseas on my own. I thought I wanted to try and fix myself and stop running away from things but for some reason avoiding everything seems to be the only way I can cope. I just want to stop feeling like this!!! I want to stop being so useless and start being able to help others again and be the strong one that people think I am!!! Sorry for the rant. I'm just really lost and wanted someone to chat too, i hole that's okay. I promise I'm trying. Nothing just seems to be working atm and I just feel like giving up on it all. Like I dont want too but I also really do want to if thay even makes any goddam sense?!?!? 😔 I just want to punch something and scream and cry and hurt myself so I can feel again!!!!! 

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Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

@MB95  Can you tell your friend you need some space it isn’t your job to look after anyone else and maybe if her jokes are bothering you, you should tell her that. You don’t have to have your shit together all the time no one does, idk I could be remembering wrong but did you say writing it dow helped? Sorry I am not much help. 

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Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Yeah I guess writing things down helps me sometimes but sometimes I feel like it goes too far that it doesn't help much if that makes sense. I'm going to try when I get home tonight. I just feel like I need someone. Like I want a hug but I also know how uncomfortable I'd find it and want to push them away and get angry at them for caring. I'm just all over the place and don't really know what I want or need. I don't know how to tell my housemate because she is very outspoken and gets extremely defensive about things so I usually just listen and don't do a whole lot of talking because I'm scared of how she'll react so I don't want to upset her or cause any conflict cause I don't deal well with conflict. 

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Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Hi @MB95 , 

 

First - I know this is a bit of a poor substitute, but I just wanted to know that there's a lot of people in the community who are wanting to give you a virtual hug at the moment. We are all here for you.

 

Image result for virtual hug gif

 

Personally, I just have to say I can identify so strongly with what you've written here, in the past I went through some really tough times when I was at uni, and it can be a really tough cycle to break out of when it feels like there's so much pressure to study, do placements and navigate all of the stress and paperwork that goes along with that, be a good friend, and somehow also find the time to look after your own mental health. 

 

You really are doing such a great job - from what I've seen, you've been really brave and proactive in seeing a psychologist, having those hard conversations with your parents, and coping with uni intensives, plus being a caring and compassionate friend. So many of us have felt like we are the only ones who don't "really" have our shit together - but I think that inwardly, we feel a lot like this...

 

Image result for me trying to find balance in life meme

 

I'm sorry that your friend made you feel like you won't be able to cope with placement, that sounds like it would've been really unhelpful. 

 

It sounds like you are feeling a bit burnt out at the moment, and that is so common for uni students - on a really practical note, I'm wondering if dropping down your subject load might be an option you could look into? I know a lot of people (myself included!) who dropped down to a .75 or .5 load when life got a bit crazy, and unis are often much more supportive than you'd think to having a bit of flexibility. After all, it is in their best interest to have their students successfully complete their courses, and it's so common for life to get in the way sometimes. 

 

If that's not something you're wanting to do, I totally understand - just thought I would throw it out there. 

 

Sleep deprivation can also be absolutely awful and makes it so much harder to cope with everything- do you think you can get some good sleep tonight?

 

You say you feel useless - but that's not what I see at all. Your intelligence, compassion and energy really shines through here on the forums, and it's easy to be so hard on ourselves when we're feeling down. 

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Check out our community activities calendar for April 2020 here
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Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Thanks @Janine-RO. i realy do appreciate your message. I'm just a bit lost at the miment and dexides to get some whiskey in the way home cause I just wanted to stop feeling for a while. Not sure it's working and I know it's a stupid ideas but I coudlnt helo it for some reason. I just want to stop feeling lije this all the sime. I'll be fine. J thimk I just need some time to forget and destress.

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Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

@MB95  Are you being safe with the drinking? Your message is full of errors which isn’t usual for you... I can’t really say much about the drinking I have never drunk before and don’t intend too. My dad drinks and it isn’t something I want to be involved in. I am not judging you just saying I can’t really relate on that part. But I hope you are careful using alcohol to cope can become addictive and once it does it is hard to stop even if it is making your life worse. I hope you feel better soon. 

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Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Hey @MB95 , 

 

Just wanting to check in with you this morning, how are you doing?

 

I can hear you saying that you were  wanting to drink and not feel for awhile after you've been having such a rough time - there's absolutely no judgment from me  here at all, but sometimes a lot of alcohol can leave people feeling worse the next day. I do drink socially, but I know for me personally it can leave me feeling really emotional if I'm not in the best head space.

 

So, I just wanted to check in with you and see if you are doing okay. Today is a new day, and I hope you're doing alright.

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Check out our community activities calendar for April 2020 here
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Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

hey @MB95
just checking in to see how your going today?
**NEVER be afraid to ask for help because you're WORTH it!**
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Re: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Thanks for checking in guys. I know I shouldn't be drinking but it's just helping me at the moment. It felt good last night to just relieve some of whats going on, it's a bit harder tonight but it's helping me sleep through which is a positive at the moment because I haven't been able to sleep much at all. I've been down the road where I struggled to not drink every night as a way to cope and I don't want to go back there ever again. I haven't really touched alcohol in almost 2yrs but for some reason I just really felt like I needed it last night, and tonight I've only had a couple so it's all good. I don't want it to become a regular thing so I won't let it. For some reason I just felt like I had to try and ride myself off last night to cope and not do anything stupid. I have a psych appointment tomorrow morning so if I'm not embarrassed or scared I am going to try and bring it up with her because I really don't want to go back to relying on it to cope. It's not who I am and I'm so sorry for my message last night.