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Lost and I want to scream and give up

I'm lost and I no longer know what to do.

I'm an experienced professional with a strong history of successes.

However, at my last job, I left my job once a project was successfully delivered because I was bullied at my job by both colleagues and my boss.

Was it so wrong?

My contract was ending and they have stated that they can't renew the contract for more than a few months.

It was the right moment to leave.

And since then, it's been 4 months.

4 months of at least 200 job applications.

Going through 13 fake recruitment agencies who only wanted to use me for my references.

There's still the mortgage.

There's still the bills- all the goddamn bills.

I want to quit, I really do.

And I find out that one of my former bullies have found another better job.

How is it that I can't find a job but somebody else who bullies people, who throws insane fits gets a new job?

And there is no one who understands this.

I can't be too sad, too negative, too angry.

Because it makes it difficult for other people.

My family doesn't need to know I'm sad.

My family doesn't need to know I'm in despair- I can't even get up in the morning.

My friends have their own problems.

They can't deal with my despair.

I give up.

I want to give up.

I want out of Australia.

I never should have bought a house.

Am I trying to destroy my family?

Why am I so stupid?

 

Re: Lost and I want to scream and give up

Hi @lostinoz thanks for reaching out to us.

 

It sounds like you're going through a really tough time at the moment with your previous job and trying to find a new one. Sometimes things can seem so unfair and we ask ourselves questions like "why me". Unfortunately we cannot always control the things that happen to us, or the way that life unfolds. All we can do when the going gets tough is keep trying.

 

I'm a firm believer that "if we are doing our best, that is all we can do" and we have to be kind on ourselves when the going gets tough. Be kind to yourself and do 1 thing for you today: have a cup of tea, go for a short walk, stand in the sun. These things can help you distance yourself from all of the overwhelming thoughts you could be having, and allow you to have a refreshed view of the problem your facing.

 

You sound like a very determined and strong person- having all of those interviews, and continuing to look for work, particularly after your struggle with work-place bullies, and your status a a successful professional. Do you think you could talk to your friends about this as well as us here at ReachOut? You mentioned that they have also have "despairs". Perhaps you could be supports for eachother. 

 

I also do not think you are trying to "destroy your family" otherwise you wouldn't be working so hard to find a job, or to maintain a positive persona around them.

 

This page discusses workplace bullying and could give you some advice on what to do. 

 

Keep in touch, and let us know how you are going with this- we are here to support you.

Re: Lost and I want to scream and give up

Hi @lostinoz

 

Please keep fighting and dont give up. You mentioned a lot of things.

 

I personally would recommend you go see your GP about all this. I went through a tough time thinking I can handle things and spoke to my Dr about my troubles. He suggested doing a mental action plan and referred me to a psychologist. It really helped me a lot cus I had someone to talk to. 

 

In the mean time life is full of ups and downs. You will ride this through. Its always a shock at the start. I like to take walks everyday and figure things out or just try to relax.

 

Take care of yourself. My thoughts are with you... keep fighting.

Re: Lost and I want to scream and give up

Hi @lostinoz -- I just want to say hi and welcome you to RO. You've made a great step in talking about how you're feeling, and I just want to let you know that we're here to listen.

 

I also want to say that you certainly don't sound stupid to me, not at all. You mention your professional experience, your history of work success... that doesn't sound like a stupid person to me, not one bit. Also, you had the guts and bravery to leave a job where you were being bullied, rather than just take it. That sounds to me that in the end it will be a positive step for you. That does not sound like it was a positive workplace for you, and good for you for acting and getting out of that bad situaton. You also had the guts to move to another country, take the jump and buy a house, and try a new life -- you definitely are out there, living life, and not sitting idly by, with a huge love for your family-- and that is something I respect a lot. You sound like a good person with a lot of strengths.

 

As for your bully getting a good job, they are a person who makes bad choices and creates bad work environments, and it is likely that their next employer will eventually realise it. However, once you're back in employment, it sounds to me like you'll be a valued member of a team who will be appreciated for their work. I know who I'd rather be my colleague... and I'm sure others will realise this too. 

 

As for applying for jobs... it sounds like it has been rough for you. It can take a lot of time and effort and applications without responses... but in the end the effort can be all worth it. It sounds like your financial commitments are making it even more stressful. But you have to keep strong and pushing through and applying, and keep hope that your experience will eventually help you find something.

 

Who is there in your life that you would feel most comfortable talking to about this? You may feel like they're all busy with their own lives, but your friends and family are there for you and you might be surprised what support they can offer. Also, if you would like some confidential, professional support, your GP should be able to refer you for some sessions of support that can help you cope with the stress you're experiencing. I am not sure about what your residency status is, but if you are eligible for Medicare, one great thing about Australia is that this kind of support is free

 

 

 

Sorry for my very long post, I just wanted to say that we're here for you and that you sound like you have so much to offer your family and Australia... and that I'm glad you said hello to us today. Please keep us updated on how you're going.

 

Re: Lost and I want to scream and give up

Hey @lostinoz, how are things feeling today?

Re: Lost and I want to scream and give up

Thanks everyone for your kind words.

i am slightly better than yesterday.

i still wake up from panicky thoughts such as "I will be jobless for life". Strange thing is, I know it's irrational.I am just feelin nothing at the moment and I apologise if I am not very quick with responses.

Re: Lost and I want to scream and give up

Hey @lostinoz take your time with the responses. We understand! I'm glad that you're better than yesterday and thanks for letting us know.

 

It sounds like you're having a hard time and I know from experience how hard it can be applying for jobs and not getting anything. What i've learned is that good things take time. It sounds cliche but when the job is right for you, and you are right for them thats when things work out. Unfortunately this can take a lot of time. 

 

Do you have these bouts of panick often? Sometimes even if we know it's irrational we can't quite control the way we feel and how quickly our mind jumps from one idea to the next. Can you think of anyone in your family or circle of friends whom you could talk to about what you're going through?

 

Reply when you get a chance!

 

Re: Lost and I want to scream and give up

Hey @lostinoz, the thing that stood out in your post is how much pressure you are feeling and that you feel you have to manage it alone. It's ok to feel like this but you are not in it alone, there is support out there. You've taken a big step in reaching out to us here and you can feel proud of that. Like others have already mentioned you have achieved success in a number of areas and I can see you are a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for!

 

It's ok to feel sad and it is only natural that you are feeling frustrated with the job hunting process—it is frustrating at the best of times! ReachOut has a bunch of really great articles to help through difficult times like this, I wonder if you've seen any of them? I think this article would be a great starting point for you. I'd also suggest reading this article too.

 

You said your family 'doesn't need to know I'm in despair'. This really worries me. Have you thought about speaking to someone outside your family about how you are feeling? beyondblue have some really great resources that might resonate with you, but they can also help you find a professional in your area to talk to. Here's their site. Often reaching out for help is one of the hardest steps, but it definitely gets easier the more you do it. Smiley Happy Keep going, keep sharing, and remember you are not alone in this.

Re: Lost and I want to scream and give up

Thanks everyone.

 

@Kit, I found the 2nd article very helpful. I am slightly pessimistic and for some reason, feel guilty when I need to ask for help. So my thought cycles have always been less than helpful. While these thoughts are just "thoughts", I always struggle to challenge the legitimacy of these thoughts. It is a skill that needs further development.

 

I feel embarassed at times to be asking for help. I try to avoid sounding melodramatic and sometimes, trying to do so actually suppresses how I feel and makes me feel really frustrated. Hopefully, that makes sense.

 

If its ok, I would like to use this forum as a safe space to express these suppressed emotions. Sometimes my posts may express a significant amount of anger, frustration and despair, and I don't mean to raise any unncessary alarms. I need someone to talk to, and having this forum helps me achieve that.

Re: Lost and I want to scream and give up

There are times when I am alone, and I just think:

1. Has everything I have done been futile? 

2. Am I a terrible person? Did I deserve to be ganged up on at work?

3. Am I travelling on a train to nowhere? Everyone seems to be happily settled.

They have a permanent job where they can develop as a professional. Why am I stuck with contract jobs?

4. Did I make a bad choice moving to Oz?

Nothing is working out.